Denial Of Flashbacks, Intrusions And Dissociation.

[Abstract]

I went to a charity as I was so distrustful of T's and thought they were going to damage me. Charities are closely monitored and a trauma T I met online as a fellow supporter advised me to go to them. What I did not realise is that it was time limited. So she told me to carry on but that was all they could offer me. And then the liar stuff took over totally for a while before I managed to get in elsewhere. I hope that makes sense.

I am just starting to feel more rational about the liar stuff to be able to be more successful looking for a way to get into T again.

That T was a proper trauma T working in a trauma centre. I think the reason past T's damaged me was because they did not understand trauma.

 

[faraway]

I went to two other therapists when I was younger that really put me off therapy until now. A bad therapist can really set you back, although having said that, I don't think I was ready to confront things then anyway.

I only gave in this time and found mine because I actually have come to the end of a path and I'm totally screwed. I've forced myself into a place where I have discovered that I can't help myself, that I'm incapable of doing it, so I had to find someone.

My therapist is one of the two main therapists in a trauma centre and he's just so unlike the other two I saw. They might as well be in a different profession! He's just brilliant and even though this is so hard - I can't ignore the emotions any more - I know I'm on the right path again. I know I can get better with him.

Can you try re-approaching the charity therapist and seeing if you can pay privately on a sliding scale? Surely the charity would welcome the income? If not, are there other trauma centres near you? I had to tell a little bit of my life history through email before he would agree to help me on a reduced rate (he's very busy), and then I had to wait about a month before he knew he would have time to regularly fit me in. But even though I am a total charity case, he's committed because I am what he specialises in. Knowing that actually helps me trust him some and want to work as hard as I can to let him help me help myself.

Oh, I really hope you find someone good that you can risk being open, honest and trusting with. I am pleased that I have been able to help you some. Don't let the shame and the guilt stop you from getting better.

 

[Abstract]

Thank you. :)

I had a lot of T as have had a long term eating disorder and that forced me into getting help. I have also had breakdowns and depression that forced me into treatment. It has helped me a lot in so many ways but I now realise how much damage it did to me in other respects as they did not know about trauma and I did not know I needed someone who knew about trauma so I think they just did not get it.

This last T was the first time I felt a T knew how to "deal" with me and understood me. I do need a sliding scale as the type of fees they charge is beyond me if I am going to have regular treatment. Sadly the charity is not an option at all and they would not help me find someone either.

But there are other things blocking me that I need to discuss. Mechanical and probably or possibly dissociative.

But you have given me the courage to maybe take that next step so thanks again.

 

[faraway]

Here's hoping you start processing and get yourself on your way. Good luck. :)

 

[Abstract]

Thank you! :)

 

[Dissociated1]

Abstract wrote:
"My whole life one moment followed the next and I think every scrap of my being was invested in not knowing and not acknowledging it."


Faraway wrote:
"I realise now that I don't know myself at all. I really thought I had a handle on things, that I knew myself, but all I know about myself is a con, is a part of this giant charade of denial that I have been playing with myself all my life."


Shell wrote:
"the denial, and the shock about how wrong my perception was of my life"

These thoughts make me shiver with how close they come to home for me. I am just getting to the point of seeing that every scrap of my own being was already invested in keeping my memories and feelings at bay when I came apart at the seams in 2009. I do not believe there was any nightmarish childhood sexual molestation or physical abuse that caused me and my female alter to develop into separate personalities. The psychological abuse of my bipolar mother and enabling father, the mixed gender signals during the early years when I was developing my sense of self, their inconsistent love and punishment, the extraordinary loneliness, sorrow and fear in a child's world, took their toll on me like the crashing waves. Each one powerful, sometimes beautiful and always endurable, one day the boulders on the shore simply were no more.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Dissociated,

Thank you. The part you quoted is one of the most difficult things for me to understand about my past way of being.

I have read up a lot about dissociation and definitely am not DID but I do have some weird dissociative stuff going on. It seems like genetics and personality play a big part. I too have no terrible trauma. I am sorry that you have been thrown into new realisations in recent years. I think inconsistent parenting can be extremely damaging to a child. I recently described the psychological abuse as wearing me down like waves wearing down the rocks on a beach. i can see why parents giving mixed gender signals would affect one v much too. I wish you healing.

 

[faraway]

I am just getting to the point of seeing that every scrap of my own being was already invested in keeping my memories and feelings at bay when I came apart at the seams in 2009.

Yep. A couple of weeks ago, my therapist used the word 'full' to describe me. I gasped! That was just the most perfect thing that anyone could ever say to describe me. I am totally and utterly full and I cannot contain another experience hence me whittling away every non-essential aspect of my life.

 

[Abstract]

I too am full Faraway. My life has all but stopped. Its like I got to a point and no more. It all started spilling over.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Abstract, I have alot of amnesia too. But I also remember the abuse. I do not remember what I felt or did after the abuse. All I remember is the abuse. I was too busy trying to just survive. It happened so much it was normal for me. It was not until after I moved out of my parents home that I realized it was abuse.

I think my brain protected my by blocking the memories. I used to want to get all of my memories back. I do not want all of my memories back anymore. I remember the important ones and I have grieved and mourned them. I have recieived alot of healing of my symptoms. I spent along time in therapy.

I was raised to be the perfect victim. I did not know how to think for myself and I had no common sense. I had no social skills but I am now learning. I think it would be good for you to be in therapy to talk about what you are experiencing with the therapist.

I think it would help you to move from being stuck. I paid on a sliding scale. My first therapist charged me only ten dollars an hour. I ended up paying twenty five dollars a session to the therapist I had the longest.

Now I pay thirty dollars for a session. I will be starting a group after my last emdr session and I will have to wait two months to start therapy again.

It is really important that you do not go through this alone. You survived alone as a child. You need help with the inner childs false beliefs and critical voices she believes are real.

I know it is scary to start over. It is up to you. Hugs.

 

[Abstract]

These thoughts make me shiver with how close they come to home for me. I am just getting to the point of seeing that every scrap of my own being was already invested in keeping my memories and feelings at bay

Thank you for sharing that Dissociated. It is quite disorientating and frightening isn't it? I go from wishing I could go back to feeling proud that I must be moving forward. Then I think I am not going forwards and am instead going backwards. :confused:

 

[Abstract]

I was raised to be the perfect victim. I did not know how to think for myself
I think it would help you to move from being stuck.
It is really important that you do not go through this alone.

Thank you Gizmo,
Hugs back to you. I can no longer do this alone. I am not able to help myself any more than I have on the bigger things. But you are right I am stuck and have been very stuck. Talking about this is really important as I become convinced a T or psychiatrist is going to think I really am insane or do have factitious disorder. I think I have factitious disorder so in some ways want them to diagnose that. :confused:

i too was the perfect victim. Part of it was learned helplessness I think but part is that I literally seem to switch off and go into zombie mode. Thanks for sharing. It helps.