Denial Of Flashbacks, Intrusions And Dissociation.

[faraway]

I am so comforted by the fact that so many of us fear that we are making this up. Thanks for starting this thread, Abstract.

 

[Abstract]

Legitimacy is extremely difficult for me as well. .

Dissociated,
I have such problems trusting my experiences at the best of time when it comes to my internal world, feelings and experiences. My parents did a good job on me with that. I now seem to have the this raging introjected invalidator in me that belittles and undermines and questions. Saying anything sets it off. It's so loud that I often can't think straight when I try to discuss something. Seeing that something is possible theoretically (main stream psychology) or hearing someone else experience something similar seems to reinforce my ability to fight it. Months back this was so bad I could not do anything.

I am very sorry that you have to struggle like this. It sounds very hard. I hope you find a way to balance your life out and have it go more smoothly. I cannot contemplate how tricky DID must be to live with. I feel out of control quite enough with my stuff.

 

[Abstract]

Hashi,
Thank you for sharing here. I relate very strongly with so much that you say. It's like you took the words out of my head.


If I may ask you though, you say that initially it was conscious. So were you aware that you were dissociating even if you did not know the words for it?

The past three years of therapy and my own work has been like finally waking up, I feel like I've been sleepwalking through it all.

It's about the same amount of time for me even though precipitated by different things. Waking up is how I describe it too. It is very descriptive and I can't think of any better way to describe it. I have been asleep my whole life. I was walking and talking and working and having relationships but I wasn't there at all. It astounds me.

I would read the case histories and it didn't compute.

I relate to this too. I actually studied a year or so of psychology and always read professional material after. My sister is qualified and I have always gone to lectures and more. Regardless I had absolutely no sense of any of it being something that related to my life. I would feel great compassion and think of "them" but it never occurred to me that it related to me and even through masses of and masses of therapy it never did either. :confused::wideeyed: It just boggles the mind.

Trying to accept that the things that happened are real, that I haven't fabricated it, I've been desperate for evidence.

I am also desperate for evidence. I don't know how to anything without it. And yet there is usually evidence and I know it is true with part of me but I know it is false and that I am a lying drama queen attention seeker. I am convinced I have Factitious Disorder and have looked up all the details about it. Have been obsessed with being diagnosed with it.

Letting it be true is a relief, even letting it be terrible is a relief, and it gives me a way forward. Finally, after years of living in fog.

I find it very hard to believe this is protective. It is so awfully painful and crazy making. It is torturous. I actually do feel a bit more peaceful through the pain when I can just think its true. The self hatred and confusion is hard to deal with. I am usually someone who prises logic. I have awareness that I am not making sense and am being totally irrational and that is hard to accept.

I am glad you are finding your way.

 

[Abstract]

Shell,
There was one period where the reality hit more solidly (a few weeks). I freaked out. So maybe I am deluding myself that I would prefer it to be true. IDK.

Its very strange as I saw myself as so far along in recovery. Through all my hard work over the years I have healed myself in so many ways. The way I relate to myself and the world is so different. I am confident and socially adept, can understand my emotions, am much better at keeping myself safe and am assertive. I can feel anger sometimes and feed myself appropriately. Then this stuff comes along.... I thought I was at the end only to discover I am at a new beginning.

I am like a walking font of knowledge about recovery with anything that does not relate directly to abuse. And when it comes to that I am like a new born baby. I have read up obsessively in the last year or so and am shocked by what I did not and do not know.

Faraway,

I am so grateful for all the responses here it is hard to put into words. I didn't think I would get any. This stuff is part of what is blocking me from getting help. I think a professional will think I am truly crazy. I am glad it is helping you too. :hug:

 

[Hashi]

If I may ask you though, you say that initially it was conscious. So were you aware that you were dissociating even if you did not know the words for it?

Yes, I used to call it "switching off". It was so easy for me to make my mind go foggy or blank. I thought everyone did it. I remember asking my sister, when she was upset, "Why don't you just switch off?"

I find it very hard to believe this is protective. It is so awfully painful and crazy making.

When first recovering memories and at my most desperate to know the whole truth, I had a lucid dream (where you have some awareness of being in the dream state and some control over what happens). I realised, while dreaming, that I was in touch with my subconscious and could access my deep memory.

I had many questions about what had happened, and I asked my first question of a character in the dream. After some struggle (lucid dreams don't mean complete control, and there was a lot of resistance but I forced through it) I got the answer. I can't describe how devastating it was. This was something that hadn't been clarified for me yet because I wasn't ready, and I'd forced it to the front of my mind. It was far beyond what I could cope with at that point. I didn't ask any of my other questions.

Although this was a terrible experience - I retraumatised myself badly - it was a good experience in that I trusted my subconscious from then on to know what I could handle and when. However crazy-making and painful it had been to not know the answer that question, that was nothing compared to knowing the answer too soon. I see believing the memories as the same thing.

I'm actually in awe of our subconscious minds. I think they operate in an infinitely attuned and complex way we can't ever fully grasp. I try to be guided by my subconscious because I think it knows what it's doing, and has much more wisdom than my conscious mind.

 

[Dissociated1]

However crazy-making and painful it had been to not know the answer that question, that was nothing compared to knowing the answer too soon. I see believing the memories as the same thing.

My alter and my dreams often speak of my repressed memories and for a brief instant it is all so clear. But when I try to recall it, everything is gone. I am getting much better with letting the process happen in it's own time but I struggle with wanting to get through what my psychologist calls "the dirty middle." As ideas move from the unconscious to consciousness, to written word, to spoken thought, they become more concrete. Each level of expression requiring a greater level of understanding and the process cannot be rushed.

The combination of my desire for thoroughness and well meaning attempt to speed up the process, the level of detail I kept my journal became counterproductive. Constantly rediscovering things I wrote about months before, I was not ready to accept the ideas when I forced them to that level of consciousness the first time, let alone now.

My psychologist told me it was clear I was pushing too hard when my female alter began throwing up a mental wall so high I couldn’t remember things that were clear as day moments before, reconcealing the glimmer of the suppressed memory she had revealed but the self was not ready to accept. I gradually learned to circumvent the efforts of my alter and subconscious, but my sisterself is as clever as I am. She began deleting all traces of the entries in my journal, dumping my backup files without me being aware of what she had done until I tried to find them! Occasionally leaving a vague, in progress file if she leave anything at all, the only tangible remains is the hollow feeling that she shared something important with me.

We hear it so often it seems cliché but it really is all about the journey. Whether we want it to be that way or not, our minds only have so much ability to cope.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Everyone (if you are still around that is;)),

Thank you very much as you have made me think a lot. I feel very confused but feel it is important regardless. Often times pain equals growth and I am OK with that. One thing I have never lacked is determination if I can detect what direction to go in.

I forced through it) I got the answer. I can't describe how devastating it was. T -I retraumatised myself badly - it was a good experience in that I trusted my subconscious from then on to know what I could handle and when.

I am getting much better with letting the process happen in it's own time
The combination of my desire for thoroughness and well meaning attempt to speed up the process, the level of detail I kept my journal became counterproductive. ...I was not ready to accept the ideas when I forced them to that level of consciousness the first time, let alone now.
We hear it so often it seems cliché but it really is all about the journey. Whether we want it to be that way or not, our minds only have so much ability to cope.

Hashi,
Thank you for sharing that. I am sorry you unintentionally harmed yourself. I have never had a lucid dream but can imagine it. I have a habit of disregarding my limits and barrelling through but in recent years am much more in touch with myself and that has helped me in many ways. Unfortunately I think the down side of being more self aware and better at self care is that I get very confused about what the right thing is to do. I feel like I am using those as excuses to avoid treatment or acceptance. The other problem is that I do truly think I am making this all up most of the time. Urg!

What is pushing myself too far anyway? I am trying as hard as I can to run away I think but there is a part of me that is determined that I am not going to do that completely. And the way that looks is that I go into self destructive behaviours I thought were long past for me. I take one more step away from help than I presently am and I turn on myself despite myself. I feel like I am one of those political hotspots in full war mode but played out inside "me". I am 45 years old. I have been doing this same thing, in cycles, for two years now. I want to either get on with my life if I am making this up or get treatment if I am not.

Dissociated,
Thank you. Maybe heaping self hatred on myself for being so stuck is not helpful. I just wish I could truly accept that this is a part of the process. I must say this thread has moved me along by a huge percent to thinking it may be that rather me just being stark raving straight jacket nuts. You are all obviously very sane people and yet discuss similar feelings and experiences. Therefore maybe they won't lock me up if I go to get help.

I am glad you both have clarity about your journey and what the balance is of traveling along it. :)

You have both helped me accept a bit more that this may be self protective and have some logic behind the insanity so thanks.

 

[Abstract]

Yes, I used to call it "switching off". It was so easy for me to make my mind go foggy or blank. I thought everyone did it. I remember asking my sister, when she was upset, "Why don't you just switch off?"

Hashi,
I have to say this made me smile. I hope that is OK. Even though this is all painful stuff there is something endearing about your young selfs innocence. I am very sorry though that your life required you to develop those skills.

I would not have been able to have a conversation like that even as a 38 year old. I would never have "noticed" it even to myself. When it came to myself one moment followed the next and in such a disconnected way that there was never even one moment where I noticed how I functioned. Its why I sat in therapy for literal years without "thinking" of discussing experiences or feelings or more.

I could accept that better if I was not generally an insightful and deep thinking person. Please know I don't think that is necessarily a good thing. There are lots of disadvantages. Its just hard to reconcile or understand the disconnect between my general personality and this aspect of self unawareness.

 

[Abstract]

I am considering trying out discussing my weird stuff that is blocking me getting treatment on this thread before braving a new thread about it. Who knows. Maybe I won't be alone. :wideeyed:

 

[Abstract]

Still struggling with thinking of myself as this high functioning, tough and resilient person when the truth is that I have not had much trauma really and have been a mess almost my whole life if one takes the "inside" into consideration. I hate that and I hate this. I want to be tough and have coped with everything thrown at me. I have always appeared so together. I feel sure that I must have lied and been believed and that this is not a diagnoses that matches me.

 

[Hashi]

...I would never have "noticed" it even to myself. When it came to myself one moment followed the next and in such a disconnected way that there was never even one moment where I noticed how I functioned.

I was only aware of a small part of it. When I grew up, deliberate switching off became drinking, for example. But I also did a lot of switching off (or perhaps turning things down very low) without knowing it. I lived in a haze all the time, barely connected, and wasn't even aware of that until recently.

... I could accept that better if I was not generally an insightful and deep thinking person... Its just hard to reconcile or understand the disconnect between my general personality and this aspect of self unawareness.

You do seem to be a very insightful and deep-thinking person. Do you think it's possible that that's why you felt the need the disconnect and be unaware? Because the insights would have been too much, at least at that time for the resources you had then?

I've looked back on the last few years and seen how clearly the truth was trying to come through to me. I wish I hadn't continued to suppress the memories and realisations, consciously and unconsciously. I could have started healing years ago, instead of letting my life go by. I've given myself a very hard time over this, but I'm trying to stop doing that. Firstly, because it doesn't help me. What's done is done. This is where I am now, this is what I have so I need to use this as my starting point. Secondly, because this is so hard to work on and it goes very deep. At first, I kept wishing I could go back and make everything completely unreal again. I was only trying to protect myself from something so painful and almost overwhelming.

The insights have always been there, it's just that I couldn't face them before. I worked very hard not to.

...the truth is that I have not had much trauma really...

Meaning this in the nicest way, you're not the best person to assess that. It isn't a truth. It's your judgement, and we all tend to minimise or deny what's happened to us... as this thread illustrates. It's very difficult (or even impossible) for us to be objective about our own experiences of trauma.

Trauma isn't something that happens on a scale - eg X happened so that was a small trauma, Y happened so that was a bigger one. It's also not about quantity. It's about us, our history, our life situations, our life skills, our inner resources and the meaning that what happened had for us. Peter Levine gives the example of a child left alone in a cold room. An older, more confident child can put on a jumper or go somewhere else. A small, more vulnerable child might feel scared and abandoned. To a baby it could be terrifying. That's just an illustration - it's not all about age either, although that can play a part in terms of our resources and reactions. The point is that the level of fear and distress depends on the context.

I want to be tough and have coped with everything thrown at me.

You sound so much like me when I started trauma therapy! Except I couldn't even see it in myself and had to have my T reflect it back to me for months before I understood it. Finally letting myself be vulnerable was a relief, but it was very hard to get to that point. Being tough has always been one of my top coping strategies. It's been hard, and scary, to loosen my grip on that. I'm not sure I could have done it without the safety of seeing my T.

I think these sorts of doubts, conflicts and confusion are the reason for going to therapy. That safe, non-judgemental space is for us to bring out and explore all this. I don't think therapists expect us to turn up with neatly identified and packaged issues. If mine did, she's been very disappointed!

Take care, Abstract. Sounds like you're doing a lot of deep thinking right now.

 

[faraway]

I am considering trying out discussing my weird stuff that is blocking me getting treatment

I've been on holiday for a few days, did you brave it?

Like you and Hashi, I've also considered myself tough and able to cope with everything. One of the things I am finding refreshing about this new journey is accepting that I've failed at that - I haven't coped well at all. For some reason I'm seeing my identification of that failure as another chance to achieve it. Now I see where I've gone wrong, I can correct that. It's empowering to me. :)