Is There Healing For People Like Me?

[raven123]

With me, abuse started from the beginning. I never developed an emotional life just a fantasy life because that's all that was allowed. I tried journaling on here and that was a monumental failure. The effect was delayed I'm guessing and I wasn't prepared for all the anger, rage really and still no idea where it came from. I just can't have that. I almost beat someone's ass today over it for a trivial reason. I ended the journaling over it. It also illuminates my main problems--I just have no real experience with emotions and there is no guide and/or support available. Online just doesn't replace human contact. I've numbed since I was three and a half and always been a fake emotionally. My sperm donor didn't allow me to have emotions so I faked them.

Unlike someone who had trauma at 15 or 20 or 25 or 30, there is no state prior to trauma to try and return to for me. I've never felt love. I've just had pain and numbness and Bipolar highs. I'm broke so there is no money for professional help. I know there are some therapists, well one that is retired, who specialized in training people on emotions. I met one of his clients. He trained him. Where to find any others like that is anyone's guess. Of course, I've numbed in a bubble since my rape at 3 and a half. The therapists in my past didn't help, were abusive (some downright criminal) and just took advantage of me for money. Nobody else gave a shit.

And, maybe I'm not capable of much more than fakery because it is all I've ever known. Hey, I've asked for help and it didn't happen. I'm glad I know why I am the way I am, but I have no clue how to fix it and gain the human development most take for granted I've missed. I've looked and looked and read and read and don't know how to fix. But, without any guidance and any support offline (online is just no substitute..sorry it ain't), I have no idea how to proceed. Unfortunately, society considers men expendable. Yeah, they do. The main reason I've asked and searched for help and found little.

I'd love to have just one friend, a partner in the life. That's all I want and need. The rest of humanity can go to hell. Least they can do for treating me like shit and a piece of meat.

Has anyone had any help AND success with a situation like mine? Be specific. Being vague is frustrating to me. Thank you in advance.

 

[ARPortia]

I was living in Florida with my bf from March to July, and he is cursed/blessed with bipolar type 1, and I suffer from PTSD. Fabulous couple right? heh.

anyways, we found a great support system in Gainesville. I don't know where you live in Florida, but we were happily surprised and completely blessed to find that there is a free clinic that is operated by the university students there.

I have always found a great source of love from fantasy and imagination, but if negativity enters into my imaginary domain, it's definitely hard to see, feel love in your head and this translates into real life as well.

If you are bipolar, schizophrenic, I would highly suggest using your computer to look for NAMI meetings, or even getting a list of all the mental hospitals, giving them a call, and seeing what kind of free or relatively cheap options are available to you. Do you have a support system at the moment?

 

[raven123]

Portia,

Thanks for replying. I have no support whatsoever. I live in N. Florida where they wish you death before helping you. A totally true statement, believe it or not. I wrote the local mental health bunch (NAMI), it's just an email addy for them and that's it, and never heard anything. That was a year ago. The don't serve anyone. Unless you're a woman and can go to Salvation Army's domestic and rape crisis or have $200+ an hour (none have sliding scale), you're screwed. This area is a joke for support groups.

I don't have problems with my Bipolar. It's kept me alive and been the only times I've ever felt good. I know it like the back of my hand. My last psych said I was cured of Bipolar. So, it's not an issue. I'm not schizophrenic. Not sure where you got that from.

My problems are understanding emotions, loneliness and numbness and dealing with an extremely abusive childhood, including sexual, emotional and physical abuse (PTSD).

My question is: has anyone been healed from very early sexual abuse (less than 5 years old) and then child abuse the rest of your childhood, causing PTSD, and leading to something resembling not being just a robot?
Be somewhat specific please.

 

[Innordinate]

Yes. But not alone. And it's still difficult at times to recognize positive emotions, whether I'm just understanding them or actually feeling them, but it is doable, with therapy.

I was also fortunate enough to have some very caring people around me when I was older - not that I recognized it at the time, but in hindsight I've come to recognize that they did care and were trying. Once I got myself out of self-destruct mode it was easier to see this.

Your best hope, IMHO, is to keep plugging away at the mental health system. I don't know about there, but here, if you walk into an ER and say you're going to kill yourself they have to treat you. That's the easiest way here to get a free psychiatrist without going through a thousand hoops and referrals.

Sorry if that's not the answer you're looking for.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I think Innordinate is spot on about not doing it alone. Having a therapist is still not alone. I don't have a family to turn to, I don't have a spouse, all I have is my T. I was abused from the start, even passed from home to home in my infancy while my family was homeless until my mom found someone(who was horribly abusive) to care for us. I didn't have any normal to return to either. But over time with the right T things have begun to turn around, I've made a lot of progress and I am beginning to find MY normal.

The hard truth is people like us never find the 'normal' other people have. We'll always have the past, but we can exist without suffering. I have to believe there's a time far in the future when I'll be alright. That someday I'll be healed enough I won't hurt this much. That I'll be loved.

So if you don't give up, yes, there is healing to be found. Just don't try to measure your progress against any standard but your own.

 

[raven123]

I don't know about there, but here, if you walk into an ER and say you're going to kill yourself they have to treat you. That's the easiest way here to get a free psychiatrist without going through a thousand hoops and referrals.

Hey, not sure where you live, but if you do that in Florida and have no money, you will be referred to the state hospital and you will not like that. It is a dumping ground for extremely violent and screwed up people. I've been told it is also a place to get literally raped everyday, too. No offense, but in Florida, that is horrible advice.

Thankfully, I'm not suicidal. I'm unfortunate in that no adults gives a shit local to me. And, yeah, I'm all alone.

I repeated my original question.

My question is: has anyone been healed from very early sexual abuse (less than 5 years old) and then child abuse the rest of your childhood, causing PTSD, and leading to something resembling not being just a robot? Be somewhat specific please.

 

[Hashi]

Firstly, yes there is healing. I've been traumatised from birth, withdrew into a fantasy world and disconnected from my emotions. I don't have any "before" to return to, and there's no safe or even OK time in my past to fall back on. I have to create safety and stability for myself now. It's taken a lot of work, but through different ways I'm learning to be present and to recognise and cope with my feelings now.

I think ARPortia has some good ideas for free or low cost therapy options. [edit - just read your reply above, which I hadn't seen when I posted.]

My first eighteen months of helpful therapy (after various unhelpful and even damaging past experiences) was free through a support centre for survivors of rape and sexual abuse. I'm in a different country from you, but you could call the RAINN helpline to see if anything's available where you are ([DLMURL]http://www.rainn.org[/DLMURL], 1.800.656.HOPE (4673).) Numbing is a common response to sexual assault. My rape counsellor did a lot of work with me on emotions.

I've also done some work on Focussing (developed by Eugene Gendlin) to help reconnect with my feelings and my body, and DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) which includes quite basic developmental skills that I didn't learn as a child such as identifying and regulating my emotions.

I have to pay for therapy now, which is difficult, but I do a lot on my own outside therapy so I can make the most of each session and - hopefully - keep the time I'm in therapy as short as possible. I've used books and podcasts before and alongside seeing a therapist.

I had to commit to it and put aside my tendency to judge and dismiss things. I had to really give things a try, and be open to the idea that it was possible - including finding the right therapist in the first place. When I didn't see overnight success I had to keep on trying. There's no quick fix, and there can be lots of tripping up along the way - I had to accept that and stay with it. Otherwise, I would have been deciding not to succeed before I even started.

Most importantly, we need a way to deal with what comes up. When we've always blocked our feelings, they can be awful and overwhelming to experience. You said:

I tried journaling on here and that was a monumental failure. The effect was delayed I'm guessing and I wasn't prepared for all the anger, rage really and still no idea where it came from. I just can't have that.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say you just can't have that. We do need to learn and practise ways of coping with it - there are skills and resources to help us with that. I'm not sure, though, if you're saying you're not willing to? Sorry if I've misunderstood. We have to process the difficult feelings - as safely as we can. It can be awful, but there is an "other side" and the only way to get to it is through.

In therapy or outside it with things like journalling, I think we need to work first on grounding, self-care and safety because otherwise we have no tools to cope with and process the feelings when we finally start to connect with them.

 

[Innordinate]

I did answer that question.

Yes, but not alone. With therapy and time.

I don't know how to be more specific. You have to be willing to help yourself first, not just 'pretend' that you're helping yourself and finding every excuse in the book to actually do nothing. It's not magical. It takes a lot of work. You have to be brutally honest with yourself. You have to be willing to open yourself up completely to all the pain you've gone through, suffer through it again, and be rejected by people. Be hurt by people, emotionally - because it happens even unintentionally. Take down the walls and open the flood gates of emotions that are hiding behind the numbness.

Find a therapist. Find a therapist. Find a therapist. Do what you have to do to find a therapist.

I was abused, sexually from a very young age, possibly at 3, definitely when i was 4 and from 6yrs - 9yrs, then sought out people who would sexually abuse me and continued to allow people to sexually abuse me until I was 17.

I'm not a robot any more. I'm still slowly finding what my 'normal' is. I have still have moments and periods in which I shut down when I'm overwhelmed.

Good luck in your journey.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I was molested by my father at 3, raped by a family friend at 4 and forced into sexualized situations with my guardian while also being physically and emotionally abused, at 15 she introduced me to her boss who touched me inappropriately. When she was told what he did, instead of reporting it, she pimped me out to him.

I understand it feels hopeless. But it's not. I was alone, no family to turn to, no friends because I didn't trust enough to make any, law enforcement failed to protect me when I came forward. But I found the help I needed. It isn't impossible to heal. It just takes a lot of work and a very long time(and it hurts a lot too). But it's worth it.

 

[raven123]

Thanks for all the replies. Hashi, Loveneverfails & Innordinate, I'm sorry you went through stuff like me. :( We are like discarded human beings it seems.

RAINN referred me to the local DV & Rape Crisis center which has no support for men. I actually didn't talk to RAINN but was transferred (in that phone system of theirs) to the local DV & Rape crisis center. N. Florida is very underserved on such things including even therapists (the generic shrink). It really is a cruel joke in N.Florida because it is full of domestic violence and rape. I've met cops (one lived in my apt. building a few years ago) and they've told me they spend most of their night on answering domestic crisis calls. It is very sad.

Innordinate -- I've looked (and looked and looked for nearly a decade) for therapists that deal with male survivors of child sex abuse/rape and only found them in middle and south Florida. It's easy to find one if you are female, but not if male. I found those on Male Survivor's website. They have a forum, but it's very basic/generic and not many members. They focus mostly on retreats that are very expensive. I'm broke so couldn't pay them anyway.

Best book I found was Mike Lew's Victims No Longer. It's the gold standard and the rest on the subject more than likely just ripped off him. It's only shortcoming is it has no workbook. It tells you everything but the how to.

Hashi, yeah, I can't have rage and anger coming from places I have no clue about. I nearly beat some guy's ass yesterday over it. This site needs bigger warnings for that when you start such a journal. I was totally unprepared for it. I'm willing to do the work (and been willing for 18 years if I could've found a decent shrink that wasn't just scamming me for money--I blew $30k on shrinks already), but I ain't doing it alone without guidance and a support system (I have neither). Just ask the jerk yesterday who almost got his SUV shoved up his ass. So, journaling just isn't a safe thing for me to do right now. You said, "I think we need to work first on grounding, self-care and safety because otherwise we have no tools to cope with and process the feelings when we finally start to connect with them." Yep, I agree.

Thanks, everyone, but until I can find a job with benefits (health insurance), I guess there is no help for me really. Like I said, society thinks men are expendable. Yeah, I know. I've lived it.

 

[Hashi]

I hope you find a job with benefits soon.

I still think there are some things you can do now, particularly working on grounding and safety which is something we have to do mostly on our own anyway. A therapist can point us to them, but we can find them elsewhere and don't have to be in therapy to learn them.

I was on a waiting list for some time for the free therapy and that's what I did while waiting. At the time, I thought having to wait was terrible, but with hindsight it was the best thing that could have happened, because when I finally started therapy I had good skills to support me through it, and didn't have to spend a lot of therapy time on them.

Specifically, I practised grounding techniques that I found through an online forum/in books/on the internet, and I learnt about psychic protection, starting with a book by William Bloom. It involved doing exercises and using imagery, then I developed my own visualisations and practised them every day. (Still do.) I can explain more if you want me to.

It was also helpful for me during that time to be on an online forum for survivors of sexual assault (it was a different site from this one, and had a men's forum) but you might feel that's not a good thing for you to be doing now, I don't know. I heard a lot of positive things about Mike Lew's book on that site, it's a pity there's no workbook.

I have to disagree with your comment that society thinks men are expendable. I can see that there's a terrible lack of services for male survivors, and I'm sorry you're suffering for that. Also, that provision in your state sounds like it has nothing to offer you but more trouble. Same here with me and the NHS. But poorly run, poorly funded, inadequate services don't equal the whole of society. I do think it's important to stay open to the idea that you can find a way through this, that you can do something even if you can't have therapy right now, and that there are people and things to help you - which might or might not be in the form you expect. That's my experience.

 

[ARPortia]

Thanks for replying. I have no support whatsoever. I live in N. Florida where they wish you death before helping you. A totally true statement, believe it or not. I wrote the local mental health bunch (NAMI), it's just an email addy for them and that's it, and never heard anything. That was a year ago. The don't serve anyone. Unless you're a woman and can go to Salvation Army's domestic and rape crisis or have $200+ an hour (none have sliding scale), you're screwed. This area is a joke for support groups. I don't have problems with my Bipolar. It's kept me alive and been the only times I've ever felt good. I know it like the back of my hand. My last psych said I was cured of Bipolar. So, it's not an issue. I'm not schizophrenic. Not sure where you got that from.

May I ask if you have the basics, shelter, food, and water? This is the first support system for yourself. I think it's important to count your blessings every single day, as this seems to have a relaxing benefit in and of itself. I also think the power of attraction applies here as well. If you are in a crappy mood, you are going to find crappy support. If you are honest and patient with yourself, you will attract honest and patient answers.
You keep mentioning N. Florida as having crappy services, and I really wonder how far you are from Gainesville, because Gainesville IS North Central Florida, and I know for a fact they have services to help you.

Also I was not implying you were schizophrenic I was just putting it out there in general. I personally find a lot of similarities in the ways in which people with these types of mental anguishes reflect and communicate with one another and I think connecting with them shows that you are not alone in your pain and numbness.

I honestly feel like you do need a lot of attention, you deserve the attention to your emotional health, and I agree with the others that you should find a therapist. In the meantime, breathing through your belly will help you to calm down and less likely to show off your aggressive side like with the SUV driver.
I still think it would be a good idea to call mental health institutions around you, and gather up information. You do not have to make any commitments. I would advise you to keep in mind that these are real people on the other side of the phone and they do want to help people but no one wants to help someone who is impatient, judgemental, rude, or obnoxiously blaming them for the lack of services or information provided. Everyone has their faults and I think you would agree that meeting somewhere in the middle is the best chance that all of us have to stabilize and later to thrive; and not merely just surviving.