Is There Healing For People Like Me?

[raven123]

Sailorgirl, Thanks for the reply. I ain't determined to get "help" anymore. I've asked and asked and asked and been patient and patient... I asked God for help. God sends it or God doesn't. I don't know how to fix the problems and am sick of reading shit and not finding the answers. I also ain't listening to people's problems offline anymore. Nope. That led to nothing but disaster, me worse off than before I started. This is about me not everyone else. I either count enough to get the help others get or I don't. Not fair? Life isn't fair. My cup is empty and it ain't my f*cking problem anymore. I ain't giving money either.

Rightkindofme, Too physically ill to respond right now. Bronchitis.

 

[rightkindofme]

Oh that sucks. I'm sorry.

 

[Sailorgal]

I agree, life isn't fair. But what to do? Yeah it sucks. But guess what, every day is a new day. You are still here and have an opportunity to make progress one more time. Big step? No...but sounds like time for your voice to be heard, taking care of you.

Yes a job with benefits help - tell me about that! Did you know that you can't even get FREE help as a woman without ID from that state??!! I moved due to my situation and got turned down cos I wasn't a resident!!!!

 

[Rumors]

Raven,
Make you a deal. Find a therapist in your area that you can talk to, I will send the therapist a check for 4 sessions. Perhaps in that time you can discuss some grounding techniques, groups that meet in your area you can become involved with, and if needed, more intense therapy. Doctors can help you with names and resources that are free and available along with different options for ways you can find aid.

You aren't alone in this world. We are all here together. I haven't responded to your posts bc I can't be specific enough about my issues to help but I can tell you mine started around 4 or 5. It isn't fun and I have realized it is a process that I won't heal from quickly. I deal with triggers daily. I am in therapy and I find it difficult to deal with but I am an extremely private person so I have a hard time discussing "things".

I wish you all good things Raven. Please let me know if you want to take me up on my offer.

 

[safenow]

My problems are understanding emotions, loneliness and numbness and dealing with an extremely abusive childhood, including sexual, emotional and physical abuse (PTSD).

My question is: has anyone been healed from very early sexual abuse (less than 5 years old) and then child abuse the rest of your childhood, causing PTSD, and leading to something resembling not being just a robot?
Be somewhat specific please.

Raven,
You sound just like me. My abuse started when I was 2 and my mother died. For four years this woman tortured my sister and I. I was what is called a feral child for almost 2 years. Most people didn't even know I exsisted until that day my sister was murdered and a neighbor called the police. I was almost dead from protein malnutrition. I was like an animal. I was screwed up for many many years. I still have issues all because I have no foundation to fall back on. I have no clue what clean, pure love is, other than what I gave to children. But I couldn't even raise children, as I had a major fear that i might abuse them since I had no clue how to raise a child the right way.

Bless your heart. I've attended groups and been in so many mental hospitals since I was about 6 or 7 years old. I don't know the age for sure, since I'd never had a birthday or any type of way to track days, weeks, months, or years until I turned 11 years old. And then it was sketchy.

Several of my therapist filmed our sessions. My case was written up in medical journals since it was so rare. But none of that helped me. Only time, and life and self study really helped turn the table for me. I can go several years now with no problem. But when I get major triggered (fear of life or death or torture) I relapse. I scare other people and they put me in mental hospital. Since they don't know my history, even they don't know what to do to help. It takes a minimum of two/three weeks for me to get my mental strength back, then I remember the legalities of mental healthy system, and they have to let me go since I'm not a danger to self or others.

If you want to talk one on one, i'm here for you any time. I'd be more than happy to share anything I know. NOTE: Admins: I don't know if this is allowed or not. Please let me know. Thank you.

safenow

 

[Sailorgal]

Safenow,

How powerful your story is. I hope you find safety here. :)

 

[raven123]

Safenow,

Thank you so much. I think they have a chatroom on here. I'd be happy to chat there. Let me know when you are available and I can try to be there. Depends on schedules. I'm in Florida USA. Not sure about yourself. Thank you again. :)

 

[rightkindofme]

Safe now, I am so happy that you are in a better place. My story isn't as severe as yours. That isn't something I can say very often so it freaks me out that it is true for you. I am so sorry. I read a lot of books and try to invent the right person to be. I'm wrong a lot.

I feel so much sadness for you. Do you have real support in your life?

 

[raven123]

Safe, Your story is one of the most horrible I've ever read. I had no clue what to say last night to you I was so tired. Saying I'm sorry seems a feeble thing to say. I am sorry you went through that then had to live with the near useless therapy 'profession' for years. I still say there are more evil people among the ranks of 'therapists' than any other. I'm grateful I'm exceptionally intelligent and never had the experience with those losers as kid. That's the only reason I've survived and thrived to a degree (intellect & imagination). What the hell is wrong with people? It certainly makes me question if people are basically good, or only not bad cause they are afraid they'll get caught. I lean the latter. Been my experience.

 

[raven123]

Safenow,

This is really the question I have: instead of feeling, I always intellectualize everything. I've been doing this since the rape 40 years ago and didn't bond with anyone back then. That's what people say I do--intellectualize vs. feeling. Did you have that? I'm beginning to think, due to strong evidence rape caused my brain not to want to produce oxytocin (bonding chemical) and has always used highs, cortisol (living on the edge) and my sex addiction instead. An orgasm is the same effect as oxytocin I discovered. Cortisol makes it impossible to produce oxytocin since they are opposing forces. I fixed the anxiety issues a ton, but sex and highs, nope. That and creativity gives me a rush, too. I really wonder if I can even be fixed so I feel beyond the simplest things. I don't understand emotions anyway.

 

[raven123]

I wrote this to a sorta friend about healing. Has language, but has a point.

Healing? What a crock of shit. I lost the first 23 years because of two sicko rapists. The next 18 years was also a waste of time and energy trying to get help from therapy. They did nothing but make it worse. God sent no one to fix it either. I don't feel anything and I'm sick of hurting and sick of loneliness. So, f*ck it and fake it. There are so many fakes and users in the world as it is. How do I know what I am now isn't real? I don't go around screwing people over. So, what's the big deal? I'll f*cking be damned if I'm gonna spend the rest of my life looking for this elusive bullshit idea called healing, which has to come before adulthood I think, certainly will be damned I'm gonna spend even more money on f*cking shrinks who can't find their asses with two hands if you gave them a map.

I don't wanna be mad, bitter and jealous anymore. Why? I ain't getting what I'm looking for. There's no point in it. Cut my losses and spend what's left of life on me and me alone. Want a partner and love? Get a great career and have money and stability and you'll get more than you can handle. Plenty of weirdos out there like you who don't want kids and just want to see how many times you can make each other come and have fun. Hell, you've slept with some of them. You love sex. SO? Did any of your partners ever complain? Nope.

F*ck perfectionism. You don't have to be perfect and neither does anyone else. So, what's the point of going through all that shit--journaling, writing, tell how I was raped at 3? Not one bloody thing. I got screwed out of feeling much, having many emotions. Life's a bitch. Forgive those losers that stole from me and hurt me, cause none of them were obviously human, forgive myself, forget the past and discover what I like and just have fun.

I look at people who say they are better off after 5, 10, 15, 20 years of ther-rapy. Really? (Unless you were locked in the asylum, really?) Hate to say it, but I don't sit around thinking about my rape (or other shit) 40 years ago daily. All I thought about was, shit happened, how do I fix it? I got mad at the other stuff I found people stole from me. But, I didn't know till recently. Being mad was normal. But, anger gets you no where. I cried over the losses years ago and wasn't comforted at all. I don't see the point of writing what happened over and over and crying and crying about it.

It's done. It happened. You can't change it. I think life is telling me, it doesn't really get fixed. Healing really is nothing but an illusion. Some buy the illusion, and some, like you, smarty genius, realize it's utter bullshit that is just a feel better illusion that keeps lots of shrinks in jobs. There is no goal line. There is no finish line. There is no healing to some concept of normalcy but making the best of it, which destroys its power, and that's it. It is really that simple.

Yeah, I still hope those useless shrinks I had choke on the cash they ripped me off for. But, I ain't pissed about it and want to shove my foot up their asses anymore. Lesson learned. Therapy is mostly a joke except a few really good ones that are hard to find. If I feel one day, I feel. If I don't, well, life's a bitch. I'm not stuck on disability and I can function fine and have in jobs. I want a life not a job beating my head against the wall looking for this illusion called healing, which, I don't see in too many people anyway. I'm gonna go discover myself (likes and dislikes) and find a future. F*ck the past. It has no place in my future. Good luck, everyone.

Thanks, Safenow, for the grounding technique.

 

[Shellbell]

There is healing for everyone in this journey, it may not be complete healing and we may never be 'normal', but I do believe there is healing, if that remains our focus.

My T is wonderful and I am very distrusting of people. But I have studied her hard and I know she has my best interests at heart and she does help me. There are many out there like that. They do charge us, as they have chosen a way to earn money that helps people. Yes some are dogdy, but many aren't.

There are many people on this forum who have found healing enough to have a life with joy, lasting relationships and ability to have a relatively normal life after considerable pain and suffering in their pasts. I started a thread a while back asking the question 'are some people just too damaged to heal'. I gained a lot of insight into what is required to gain healing and it is not an easy journey at all, but worth it.

Life is harder for people with complex trauma and PTSD, but it's worth the struggle to find as much healing as possible and I know I can only achieve this with a positive mind. Otherwise I will be bound up and tied to my trauma's for the rest of my life - which is not something I am prepared to do to myself, I've suffered enough.