This is really the question I have: instead of feeling, I always intellectualize everything. I've been doing this since the rape 40 years ago and didn't bond with anyone back then. That's what people say I do--intellectualize vs. feeling. Did you have that? ... I fixed the anxiety issues a ton, but sex and highs, nope. That and creativity gives me a rush, too. I really wonder if I can even be fixed so I feel beyond the simplest things. I don't understand emotions anyway.
Raven, my sweet girl. it was nice to speak with you the other night. I know it's difficult to share with others. I've only been doing it to people outside my medical team a few years. And I have a dear friend to thank for that. He is CPTSD as well. We each have alternate personalities that match. A protector or two. A driver. A small child that's afraid of everything. A religious. I won't list them all, but lets just say, his were i worse shape than mine. He had only been diagnosed for two years back then (eight years now). He spends his days helping others.
I didn't stop working because of my mental issues, I had to stop because of my physical issues. For a while they said I had MS due to the symptoms. Told me (back then) it was the best I'd ever be. But they didn't know I am a fighter. If some part of my body doesn't work, I just use another part of my body. It is the same with my brain. When I couldn't walk, I crawled. When I couldn't' crawl, I rolled. When I could roll, I did the inch-worm. LOL. Just be sure to rest in between. Yell if you have to. Scream if you have to. Just don't do it in public. LOL. It tends to scare people.
I was bed ridden for four years. After three rounds with physical therapists I was able to sit up by myself. I was able to move my legs most of the time. I finally got to a point where I could even get out of bed without ending up on the floor. ALL BY MYSELF. Cool huh? But to get to what I'm trying to share with you. This year, in the first part of October, I was able to walk all around my apartment, and even out to the mailbox and the trash cans. I was able to get into a car and go for a ride to the grocery story. Woo Ho. I was able to be completely off oxygen. I still am. So excited, I went outside and waked on the grass to a tree. I hugged the tree and just stood there for a few minutes with tears running down my face.My neighbors saw me and it scared them. They began to talk among themselves about how I must be going to die since I was acting so strange. Then on my birthday, Oct 6th, I had a bad fall while I was downtown. The first time I'd been downtown in over 4 years. I was hurt physically (again) and ended up in the hospital. Sigh. One day your up, one day your down. It is just "Life".
Before I fell, everything had gone wrong outside of my physical body. My bills were high, and I had no money to pay them. I had no food in the house other than one last box of oatmeal. I was afraid I was going to be evicted since I didn't use my wheelchair so much any longer. I was being stalked by a weird man who thought my telling him no I won't take care of him was wrong. I had a cyber stalker, who when she found out I had been a feral child, wanted to know everything. When I commented that feral children don't wear clothing, she called me a liar. I made the mistake of laughing at her. Anyway, just being able to breath without a tube in my nose and being able to clean my house and open the windows myself made me so high and happy I scared my neighbors. I was smiling all the time, I put this picture on my front door. It is going to be the cover of my autobiography.
I originally drew it for Pandora's Project, which is another site for survivors. They put it on sweatshirts to earn money to pay for their site. In fact, I think i'll ask Anthony if he'd like me to do something like that for his site. Anyway, Raven, most people aren't happy when are different than they are. It is just a fact of life.
Using your intellect is good, but remember this, it is just a case of prospective. If you live with someone who has exceptional intellectual ability and originality and you are "normal", then you are consider inferior to them. But the reality is a genius is only high in certain areas. In all other areas they have very low IQ. My dad was a genius in two fields. But he was also an idiot pedophile. He went to church with his wife and everyone considered him a good, kind man. It was said he would do anything for anyone. The reality was behind closed doors he was molesting his step-child, ignoring his birth child. Allowing his friends to molest his birth child, and his wife to torture both children. Such a "good" man, right?
Anyway, enough about me. I hope you keep your spunk and fight to get your peace. That is a great blessing for you. As for what happened 40 years ago, SCREW THEM by living well. Be happy in spite of them. The assholes that broke into my duplex got 15 years. But that's another rant on my part. The point is: leave them in the dust and live well. When you get down, pick yourself up and keep going. If you need a break from reality, rest for a while. Go to the mountains or shores or deserts. Cut loose and do something different. It will help you get unpeople polluted.
In answer to your original question: I recommend you do both. Use your brain and your heart. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve, but your brain alone will make you a very lonely person.
Stay safe: safenow.
