Tension And Unexpected Visit Stress

[timid_flower]

I'm not sure if this is the right section to post this, but here it goes..

Last night i didn't get much sleep and I woke up feeling very tense. Not feeling very well and just wanted to be left alone today. I am single and have no kids, so on weekends being alone is pretty easy to accomplish. I tried to keep myself occupied and calmed all morning, then it happened.. unexpected company. Which completely messed me up. It wasn't a bad visit, I just wasn't prepared.

I know I should be thankful that people care and appreciate that they take time to visit, but there are days, like today, when I really don't feel well and simply do not want to see anyone. I know it sounds bad and I feel guilty about it. I probably sound completely selfish and self centered, but honestly, on days like this I need to mentally prepare for company. I need to get myself in the right frame of mind to deal, when I don't get that prep time, I fall apart.

I am feeling stress and guilt about all these emotions about the visit which only added to the tension I was already feeling. Now i have this horrible tension pain in my neck and shoulders. I hate feeling like this.

 

[maddog]

Oh Timid_Flower, there is absolutely nothing mean, unreasonable, ungrateful or unkind about you or the way you are feeling about this. For what it's worth, I can absolutely relate and almost never welcome or accept uninvited/unanticipated visitors. I absolutely need time to mentally prepare and quite frankly, this isn't selfish, it's just part of good self care and self management.

It's completely reasonable that there are days when you need time to yourself to control your stress levels in the ways that work best for you. The fact that you recognize what you need on such days is a huge positive for which you should be commended.

That said, I know it's difficult, and socially awkward, and sometimes very upsetting to explain this to others, particularly given that many people genuinely believe that the key to "cheering up" is to have company. There are no easy answers, but it's really important that you honour and respect your own personal boundaries, explain calmly to others that you would appreciate a phone call or a check beforehand as to whether or not you're up to having visitors, and that sometimes you just need time on your own. It's not personal, it's not about them, it's just part of self care that will help you to feel better soon and perhaps be in a better place to catch up with them at another time... etc.

People who don't understand this aren't respecting your rights and boundaries.

Remember that good stress, such as the company of friends for example, is still stress, and sometimes any stress is too much.

I'm sorry this happened and hope you are able to have some quiet down time soon to help you feel better. Above all, please don't beat yourself up about this, you are having a normal response to your circumstances and again, I applaud your attention to your own self care.

Maddog

 

[Kim500]

Hi timid-flower! I don't think you should guilty, self-centered or selfish at all! After all...you sound like me! :D There's nothing wrong with setting your boundaries and limits according to what you can handle. :hug:

 

[Kim500]

A little more info: I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I have a big germ phobia so I won't even allow anyone in my apartment unless it's an emergency or a dreaded apartment inspection! And if for some reason they have to come in, I have them stand on my big entrance mat while we talk! The way I've dealt with it is I tell people about my phobia and my limits because of it. This way they understand and don't think I'm being rude. In fact, I've never met someone who wasn't understanding and supportive once I told them about my illness! :) There are times when I bite the bullet though if it's someone I don't know that has to come in like the cable guy! I'm armed with Windex and paper towels as soon as he leaves! ;) God bless you on your healing journey!

 

[timid_flower]

it's really important that you honour and respect your own personal boundaries,

Big issue for me. It is difficult for me to set the necessary boundaries and when I do, I often feel guilty. My therapist would always tell me how important they are. She actually asked me to read a book about setting boundaries. Something to keep working on :)

Thank you Maddog and Kim500 for the encouragement, I really appreciate it. I am actually feeling a bit better.

 

[Kim500]

I'm so glad you're feeling better! :hug: I wish there was a flower smiley so I could give you one! :)

 

[maddog]

Also glad you're feeling better. Personal boundaries are really really difficult, both to set in the first place and even more so to stick to when people try to break them, sometimes even unintentionally. But it's worth the fight, because you deserve the self respect and self care that come along with maintaining those boundaries.

Maddog

 

[Ricanoland]

I hate when people come over uninvited or even when I know they are coming, I use to not say a word about it because I thought it was nice they wanted to see me, but now I am just like, you didn't call or text I am sorry you have to go, I am busy...being myself lol. lately company bugs me so much, instead of knocking which for some reason is a new trigger for me, I have them call me when they are standing in front of my door so I don't have to get stressed, scared, and what not.

 

[timid_flower]

lately company bugs me so much, instead of knocking which for some reason is a new trigger for me, I have them call me when they are standing in front of my door

I completely understand. For some reason doorbell sounds send me into a panic. I can't explain why, it just happens.

 

[Kim500]

Knocking on my door stresses me out and LOUD knocking makes my "Danger!" signal go off, so I totally understand Ricanoland!!