ireallyamfree
New Here
I need some rational thinking on this.
This is a long post. I grew up with all kinds of abuse from my mother. I had to leave home due to concerns for my safety at age 18 and also because I was free to leave then. She had mental health issues and had also been a victim of violence. She had delusions which made mine and my siblings lives hell. I would only visit her with other people present or take her out. I couldn’t stand her being at my home or me being at her home alone.
It all became too much for me at about age 30. I was having memoriies of abuse, ended up in mental health faciltity again and I cut her off. I stopped talking to her and wouldn’t answer phone calls. She was aware that I was staying away from her. I sent her a note. I even spent time with police to look into getting her charged for historical abuse. I didn’t go through with anything. I felt guilty for years but somehow came to terms with my decision. I didn’t have a father because he tried to kill her when I was a baby and went to jail for a year. I never saw him again. I also didn’t know that he was my father until I was about 12. I was told my father was someone else and given his last name.
Now I have been made aware by others that she is not well, was in hospital again yesterday and I know she is still alive but the last month I have been feeling as though she is going to die soon. I sent her flowers a few weeks ago. Then I find out that she's not doing well. I was thinking of going to see her. She is in care. I feel bad because I am not sure if I’m doing it for her or me. If I am doing it to cure my guilt for abandoning her or because I genuinely don’t want her to die alone. I’m not sure what to do.
I’m honestly terrified of what it will be like to see her again. I feel sorry for her that life was so terrible but at the same time I just dread seeing her and what she might say. She had a way of really saying things to hurt me. It was just hard. I don’t have time to write about what our life was like at home. It was a real mind cracker. I have had years of therapy and now I am happy. I have a husband and I have a job. But I just can’t work out what to do.
I feel selfish for not being able to answer this. I feel like people go to see their family when they are dying but this is different. All of my siblings never see her anymore and the final straw for them was when I told them about an incident of abuse that occurred. They just had enough by the time they heard it and cut her off too. Others had already cut her off. We were all put through hell with her growing up. I feel responsible for her being even more isolated because of the incident I revealed. Some of my siblings say they wish she would die and sound pretty hateful about her but I never felt hate. I felt nothing. I felt like I let it all go.
Anyway now I just don’t know what to do. I am not a heartless person and I don’t want her to be alone but I also just can’t handle it all. I feel like a little child again when I imagine seeing her. What should I do?
This is a long post. I grew up with all kinds of abuse from my mother. I had to leave home due to concerns for my safety at age 18 and also because I was free to leave then. She had mental health issues and had also been a victim of violence. She had delusions which made mine and my siblings lives hell. I would only visit her with other people present or take her out. I couldn’t stand her being at my home or me being at her home alone.
It all became too much for me at about age 30. I was having memoriies of abuse, ended up in mental health faciltity again and I cut her off. I stopped talking to her and wouldn’t answer phone calls. She was aware that I was staying away from her. I sent her a note. I even spent time with police to look into getting her charged for historical abuse. I didn’t go through with anything. I felt guilty for years but somehow came to terms with my decision. I didn’t have a father because he tried to kill her when I was a baby and went to jail for a year. I never saw him again. I also didn’t know that he was my father until I was about 12. I was told my father was someone else and given his last name.
Now I have been made aware by others that she is not well, was in hospital again yesterday and I know she is still alive but the last month I have been feeling as though she is going to die soon. I sent her flowers a few weeks ago. Then I find out that she's not doing well. I was thinking of going to see her. She is in care. I feel bad because I am not sure if I’m doing it for her or me. If I am doing it to cure my guilt for abandoning her or because I genuinely don’t want her to die alone. I’m not sure what to do.
I’m honestly terrified of what it will be like to see her again. I feel sorry for her that life was so terrible but at the same time I just dread seeing her and what she might say. She had a way of really saying things to hurt me. It was just hard. I don’t have time to write about what our life was like at home. It was a real mind cracker. I have had years of therapy and now I am happy. I have a husband and I have a job. But I just can’t work out what to do.
I feel selfish for not being able to answer this. I feel like people go to see their family when they are dying but this is different. All of my siblings never see her anymore and the final straw for them was when I told them about an incident of abuse that occurred. They just had enough by the time they heard it and cut her off too. Others had already cut her off. We were all put through hell with her growing up. I feel responsible for her being even more isolated because of the incident I revealed. Some of my siblings say they wish she would die and sound pretty hateful about her but I never felt hate. I felt nothing. I felt like I let it all go.
Anyway now I just don’t know what to do. I am not a heartless person and I don’t want her to be alone but I also just can’t handle it all. I feel like a little child again when I imagine seeing her. What should I do?
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