Knowing If You Are On The Right Path

[Sailorgal]

As long as you feel/are moving forward that's ehat matters. Deep down we know what we need. Good to hear you're making progress. :)

 

[timid_flower]

It is difficult to lose friendships, especially when one is not expecting it. Some people do not know how to handle change, when we change because of depression they don't know how to handle it. Then again, some people are just selfish and it is easier for them to ignore someone than try to be there when needed.

Not sure how long these friendships have been, but could it also be possible you met them during your depression and now that your outlook is changing, it doesn't match theirs?

Sometimes feeling better is just as confusing as the what we are recovering from. We doubt our symptoms, but then we doubt any recovery. If the depression continued for a long time, it is sometimes difficult to accept that one is feeling better. It's not because we don't want to feel better, I think a lot of it may be fear of the unknown. We don't know how we'll be as we continue to make progress and we don't know if it will last. It can be scary.

There is definitely a stigma about depression. Most people simply do not understand it unless they they have experienced it. They have no real knowledge of it, and it is just as bad with PTSD. Side note - it actually angers me when I'm watching a show and they show a character with PTSD. By the end of the episode they got help and are now cured leaving a normal life. Ugh, it's infuriating! No wonder people are so misinformed- ok, rant over.

 

[timid_flower]

So, at the end, I feel VERY uncertain on how I know I am doing what's right or that I am on the right path...It's enough to make you exhausted. At this current stage in my life, I've/am seeing those who do care and those who don't. Sad but true.

I'm sorry you're going through this Katb. Such a tough situation :(

 

[Thinkingman85]

Honestly, sometimes I think people know that there is something wrong with me. I'm trying to get back into the same level of normalcy as others. I only say this because it is hard for me to be involved in life. It used to not be much of a challenge. I honestly think that I'm too hesitant on taking the step back out into the world. I have to make sure that I'm ok, life will be meaningful, and I won't break. I'm never going to go through the depression I went through again. Looking back, I can't believe how horrible it was. Because of how powerful it was, I am hesitant on reentering the world. I can't live a normal life if I have to battle the depression when I'm trying to enjoy it.

You are right timid_flower. It is scary dealing with recovery. It seems like there are behaviors and ways of thinking that I have to let go of. I think with PTSD, our perceptions become skewed and we view the unknown as something that is going to hurt us badly because it did before. Opening oneself back up to life is very hard.

 

[timid_flower]

You took the words right out of my mouth, thinkingman.

Rough night, so today I feel like I'm desperately trying to just keep it together. It's disheartening to think how much everyday normal life takes out of me sometimes.

For me, my lowest point came last year. I relate to what you said because I too didn't know how bad it had gotten until I started to feel better. Couple months ago, I had a set back. I remember a close friend telling me "this is just part of normal life, everyone goes through this. It happens and you have to learn how to deal with it". Well what happens when I can't, when I really do not know how?

Since then, I've been slowly feeling worse. This last week was particularly bad. I realize I have made progress, but I'm terrified to think I could go back to how I was last year. What's scares me the most is I don't know how to prevent it from happening.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I'm sorry that you are feeling worse. I'm concerned about my state. I have isolated for about a year now and I don't know how to get out of this. I remember when I had this will and feeling that I belonged. I was fighting toward something. Now, what I constantly think about are how horrible both of my parents deaths were and what I went through. I wish my life wasn't seen as suffering. I wish my life was seen as living. There's a difference. There's a part of me that tells me that I need to cry and then another part tells me it's useless to and it won't solve anything. I always feel like my problems will always be here... like they are burnt into my soul. I wish I had just as much will to survive as the average person, but I don't know how to after everything that happened. It now seems like my will to survive is focused on overcoming my parents deaths and traumas. This isn't me. I had a 4.0 in high school and a 4.0 in college... Now it's hard to keep a relationship or optimism in life. I need my life back. All that I want is that desire again. The desire can get you anywhere and heal all wounds, IMO. Life is beautiful, but I have to experience it's beauty to be well again.

You said "What scares me the most is that I don't know how to prevent that from happening." My approach is having Prozac as a safety net and hopefully it will rebalance me. Another thought is believing that there is nothing wrong with me. I had a breakdown six years ago, so believing that there is nothing wrong with me is very hard. However, there has to be a day where I feel normal again. Continuing to learn... All the best.

 

[Sailorgal]

Timid_flower & Thinkingman,

For me there was a point where I wanted to get better and trying to having that desire to truly live and really having that determination coming from within my being. That's when I was able to focus on healing, not just to get better but truly heal.

Life IS worth living. You CAN get past this. Sometimes there is a setback but that's all it is. For me, I keep my mind on where I want to be, not where I'm not. It's challenging for sure.

Actually had a very open discussion with someone about this. He said the PTSD will always be there but you CAN be normal and it won't overtake you. I'm choosing to believe someone who overcame his PTSD. :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

Sailorgal, my goal right now is to regain mental stability. I think for six years, I haven't been able to live mentally stable because the depression was so strong. Just having the awareness that you are mentally stable is a blessing. It is probably one of the most important factors in life. I'm glad to be on this forum.

 

[Sailorgal]

Since I found this forum, it's opened up so many "a-ha" moments for me. I've learned so much and the support is priceless. :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

Yeah, the support is helping me open up. :)

 

[timid_flower]

Yeah, the support is helping me open up.

Maybe that's something you really need to focus on. I hope you don't mind me asking, but have you really opened up about your parents deaths and what you went through? or have you always kept it inside convinced talking about it won't do much good? I know you are going to therapy, but sometimes even in therapy we resist opening up. And you said you have isolated for the past year, so I'm curious if you talk to anyone and completely open up to let them know how you feel. You don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable, btw.

The reason I ask if because that was a huge part of the problem for me. I resisted talking about my trauma, and I would resist crying even more. I felt those things would only make me weak. I had such a breakthrough when I was finally able to open up.

Food for thought perhaps :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

I open up to my therapist. Honestly, it seems like a futile attempt to try to talk to people about the severity of both of my parents deaths. I told one of my older friends about my past, and he no longer is my friend. I think we grew apart. My story is just too horrific for people to lend any words of encouragement.

The good things is that I am starting actually believe that my father passed away. It's crazy because he passed away ten years ago and it's still hard to grasp. When I lost my mother when I was 15, I was able to handle it, but when my father passed away two years later unexpectedly, I didn't know what to think anymore. I may be coming out of a state of shock by talking to my therapist and taking it easy. After my father died, my focus was succeeding. I didn't even think about grieving. I thought it was a waste of time because I already lost my mother.

I'm starting to realize that my living situation exists without my father. I sort of feel like I am becoming more of my own man every day even though I have lived on my own for six years. Getting back to a normal life after the events is something I have to process. It wasn't just this. After my father's death, my older brother became a drug addict. The way he behaved was horrible. I rarely speak to him now. Also, a gay man tried to get me to do gay things with him. I didn't want to be violated like that.

Because all those things happened, I had a breakdown six years ago. I wasn't able to keep a relationship with some of my best friends because they were moving on. They have entered into the life that I want to be in. However, it seems like it won't be right because of my past. There's always a feeling that I've gone through too much that I won't be able to live a normal life. However, I'm healing every day. People grieve and they can recover. I trust in my human aspect. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to recover, but people are resilient. Hopefully, one day, I'll be completely open again. This time around, I'll be completely open in a smarter way.