Work Party

[timid_flower]

Well, I have to attend a company party today. It's during work hours and there is no escaping it. I don't really feel well to be there, I want to be alone. I feel a bit anxious and jumpy today. But at least I feel a bit better than yesterday.

Wish me luck :)

By the way, is anyone else having a hard time with holiday parties?

 

[Nighthawk]

I understand and feel for you. I have to go to a party on Thursday. I am so happy my co workers won't be there. Although I don't do well in confined spaces full with people. I try and focus on one person or even decoration to keep me grounded.

Hope it went okay.

 

[Smushroom]

Timid_flower, i am currently sitting at my desk freaking out, while the christmas party is happening in the room next door. I made it in there for a little while, but I now can't breathe and had to escape.

We did the secret santa, and I got a beautiful gift. Someone has obviously come to have a look at my desk and has bought me a pen and a birthday/address book from my favorite stationary shop, Kikki K. I do love the gift. But I feel guilty that they spent money on me. I know there were 20 other people all involved in the secret santa, but for some reason I don't think they should have spent the money on me.

So I am currently sitting here in an empty office listening to everyone laugh and joke next door. Merry f&*%ing christmas!

 

[AS1975]

By the way, is anyone else having a hard time with holiday parties?

YES, I used to hate them, I'd be wandering around lost, no-one bothering to talk to me, because of my attitude/body language in a large part.

I'm fortunate where I am at the moment, though people are awfully judgmental, they know enough about my past and even more about my ability, that they make the effort, which makes things easier for me. Honesty has worked for once.

for some reason I don't think they should have spent the money on me.

Why? Aren't you a worthwhile, wonderful human being that deserves someone to make the effort? Someone in the office obviously believes that you are, are they so wrong? I cannot get over how lucky you are, someone actually took the time and made the effort, that is amazing. If it were me, I'd think that maybe someone was trying to make me feel more at ease and welcome, I'd probably freak out too, but that is what I'd hope to take from such an experience.

 

[71nothing]

I always manage to find some "crisis" at work to take care of during holiday or other gatherings or I take the day off. I hate dealing with the social situation, being around all the food, and the change in my safe routine. When I do have to go I find a safe spot to park myself and detach enough to get through it.

 

[Smushroom]

Why? Aren't you a worthwhile, wonderful human being that deserves someone to make the effort? Someone in the office obviously believes that you are, are they so wrong? I cannot get over how lucky you are, someone actually took the time and made the effort, that is amazing.

Quite honestly, I haven't reached that stage in my recovery where I think I am worthwhile or a wonderful human being. Maybe one day I will believe that. But not yet.

I am touched that they went to the trouble to buy me something they knew I would like, I really am. But I'm uncomfortable with people buying things for me. I'm not used to it. I asked if I could be in the 'Secret Santa' but only to give something, not for a gift in return. I had to be in it for numbers sake.

I didn't want to sound ungrateful, thats not at all what I was trying to say, I'm just uncomfortable that someone has spent money on me.

As a kid, for my birthday, I just had a bit of money thrown at me. It meant nothing. If anything, it made me feel guilty, like my family were only doing it as an obligation. And maybe that's why I don't feel comfortable with people giving me gifts now.

 

[timid_flower]

So I am currently sitting here in an empty office listening to everyone laugh and joke next door.

I feel for you Smushroom. What you are describing is exactly what I was doing about 8 hours ago. 30 minutes into the party I had been startled 3 times which made me very anxious. I had to escape to my office just to try to calm myself down. I took some anxiety medication and just sat there with the lights off until I felt I could handle going back to the party. I continued taking small breaks all afternoon. It wasn't easy, but thankfully I got through it.

I know how hard it is, I hope you feel better :hug:

 

[Smushroom]

Thanks timid_flower. I'm glad you were able to take breaks and that you made it back to the party. It's hard to miss out on all the fun, but it's hard when you can't cope and nobody knows why you are the way you are! :hug:

 

[timid_flower]

If anything, it made me feel guilty, like my family were only doing it as an obligation. And maybe that's why I don't feel comfortable with people giving me gifts now.

Guilt is a strong feeling and in situations like this, it makes it extremely difficult for us to enjoy good things. I understand what you mean. I am constantly fighting strong feelings of guilt myself. I don't ever feel worthy or deserving and it makes me feel guilty to enjoy things. It's not an easy feeling to let go.

I want to share something that happened today. At our company party, our clients are always invited to join us. When I smiled at a client I was greeting, she gave me a hug and said "You have such a pretty smile, it always warms my heart when I see it". It took me completely by surprise. How in the world was that possible? I felt so bad inside. I was barely keeping it together. I had to be medicated just to be able to stay at the party for goodness sake!

But you know what, sometimes people see us in a way that we unable to see or accept for ourselves. Seems the people at your office think you deserve that beautiful gift. I hope you'll be able to enjoy it :)

 

[timid_flower]

it's hard when you can't cope and nobody knows why you are the way you are!

Oh absolutely! After I was startled I got "You are very paranoid today" comments. I wanted to tell them how I'm actually paranoid every single day. It is something I really struggle with because of my PTSD. I am always on guard. It is terrifying and exhausting for me, but I can't help it. Instead I just smiled and walked away. Even if they would understand, I don't want to share that much with them.

 

[timid_flower]

When I smiled at a client I was greeting, she gave me a hug and said "You have such a pretty smile, it always warms my heart when I see it"

Btw, I should add that I felt completely guilty by this sweet elderly lady's words as all day I felt my smiles were fake.

 

[timid_flower]

I understand and feel for you. I have to go to a party on Thursday

Hope all goes well for you at the party. Best wishes :)