Denial Of Flashbacks, Intrusions And Dissociation.

[Abstract]

Just posting here to try to break my avoidance as am running away from my own stuff. :rolleyes: Something I am good at. I have a lot I wanted to say to both of you. Thank you!

 

[shell]

Going in and out of disbelief has let me inch my way towards facing what happened and processing it. The doubt, denial and minimisation are horrible and frustrating but they've protected me, and I couldn't have coped if everything had become completely real overnight.

Thankyou, you have help me realize I don't need to keep beating myself up for doing exactly this.

My T said he thought I was trying too hard, because I keep dissociating and numbing. I thought he was being sarcastic, because I felt so useless that I kept accepting and going in and out of denial. Like you said if I had accepted it with out the denial, I wouldn't have coped. Having time to adjust to the concept my life was one huge delusion, has made it easier to accept the memories, and maybe one day I will get to the point I will stop using the denial to help me cope.

 

[faraway]

Just posting here to try to break my avoidance as am running away from my own stuff.

When you're ready, we're here. :)

 

[Dissociated1]

I am glad you have found a kernel of truth in the things I have shared, Abstract.

the truth is that I have not had much trauma

Seconding Hashi’s thoughts on this. The story I posted above about how traumatic my tumble in the waves was for me as a child is a good example of how after years of denial and normalization we are simply not in a position to judge how traumatic an experience was for us, let alone to compare our experiences to someone else’s.

I've also considered myself tough and able to cope with everything. One of the things I am finding refreshing about this new journey is accepting that I've failed at that -

Beginning to accept our past is a huge step, but please do not be so hard on yourself. No internet forums, no therapist or meds, our coping mechanisms were a wonderful gift. We didn’t become suicide statistics; they gave us a way to survive.

My T said he thought I was trying too hard, because I keep dissociating and numbing.

Our therapists help us walk the extremely fine line between facing and avoiding our repressed memories. Pain is an unavoidable part of acceptance and healing. But dissociation is the way we cope when the pain becomes too much to bear. Like my experience with journaling, I suspect your therapist is trying to make sure your dissociations are not so frequent or severe that they are preventing healing or further repressing memories by bringing them on faster than you are ready to accept them.

 

[Debbet]

Had a major meltdown, dissociated and landed in a manic phase, which has never happened before. Now everything that I thought I remembered seems to be in question in my head. Did I dream all that stuff from my childhood or was it some living nightmare? Am I too close to letting it all out so my brain has me questioning my reality and my memories and perceptions. I remembered everything so clearly and now I wonder if I remember anything at all or did I just make it up.

It is more than a little freaky inside my head right now. Still seem to be in freefall, realized the pharmacy filled the wrong meds and I didn't notice it for three weeks, so my system is messed up chemically too.

Major meltdown caused the kids to call a cousin who is a nurse (she caught the medication error) she has spent the last day or so babysitting me and finally felt I was doing well enough to go home and get some rest herself. Not a fun weekend:confused::bawling:

 

[Hashi]

Debbet, I'm sorry for what you're going through.

I'm shocked that a pharmacy could give you the wrong meds.

It makes sense to me that you'd now be doubting what you previously remembered. It sounds like your mind has shut down the reality of it for a while because you're overwhelmed.

I'm glad you've managed to get a bit more stable. I hope you continue to get better. Do you do grounding exercises? I think it helps to do them a lot, not just in response to things happening but to get mentally and emotionally stronger in general. For me, it's only when I'm stronger, more grounded and using my coping resources (like expressing myself through art) that reality is able to return.

Take good care of yourself.

 

[Debbet]

The meds mistake probably came from the Dr.'s office he has changed my meds four or five times in the last two years and when he increased the dosage last month probably got new med (paroxetine) mixed up with old med (fluoxetine) and since I had RX for both never noticed (neither did I) Glad my cousin caught the error. Pharmacy filled the correct order yesterday.

Stable being a relative term, I am doing better. Grounding exercises, deep breathing and meditation usually work to keep things on a more even keel but this was so fast, like a flash fire....

Arts and crafts often help and for some reason coloring helps when I am really stressed but this was like a panic attack combined with hysteria and nothing was helping. My very wonderful cousin, the nurse gave me the anti-anxiety meds and let me rant, reminding me of the need to breathe periodically. She just let everything run it's course until the meds kicked in and calmed me down and then just let me dissociate since I wouldn't go to the hospital. Hospitals freak me out.

Anyways it is mostly over now, just tired and feel like I had a bad case of the flu (weak and unsteady) resting through the holiday til I see my T on Thursday. Thank you for your concern.

 

[71nothing]

This entire thread really hits home. Dissociation was a scary word for me to hear from my therapist. I kept describing myself as separated or detached. I too do not share all information with my therapist out of fear of what she would think if she knew the extent of my detachment. I was misdiagnosed as schizophrenic 20 years ago. I was on all sorts of antipsychotic medications and in and out of inpatient treatment programs. Each agreed with the diagnosis. Of course, at the time I was not able to share my trauma.

Because of this I am afraid to tell therapists or medical professionals the extent of my mind's thoughts or dissociation. I have days that when I get to the end of the day I have no recollection of what happened during the day. I have therapy sessions that by the time I leave I don't know what we even discussed. Processing information in the present takes so much effort and I've thought for so long it was just me. Joining this forum has helped me see that my symptoms are not so different than others diagnosed with PTSD. I do feel safe with my current therapist. She has assured me over and over that in no way does she suspect that I am schizophrenic. I feel like in order to move forward I need to share with her the extent of my dissociation. It's a scary step to take. I fear that she will tell me that she can no longer treat me. That I need more than she can offer.

One time I was driving home from work. I passed an ambulance going the opposite direction of me (heading toward my workplace). In that moment in time, I had a belief that the ambulance was going to my workplace for me. I even knew it wasn't reasonable for me to think I could be in two places at one time but it was a very strong belief that I was still at work even though I was driving home. I continued to drive home but waited for confirmation that it was or was not me the ambulance was treating. Anyway, I shared this experience with my therapist early in my sessions with her. I don't think she totally understood the extent of my belief that there were two of me in that instant. I didn't bother to explain further because I was afraid of what she would think of me.

 

[Abstract]

I am struggling so very much to face any of my stuff and am avoiding this thread (and all of my "stuff") and really need to discuss these things. :( So thank you for the people that have come on here later as it gives me a kick too. I go around the forum and blah blah blah but believe nothing. :bag:

 

[71nothing]

I am struggling so very much to face any of my stuff and am avoiding this thread (and all of my "stuff") and really need to discuss these things.

Interesting. My last session with my therapist before the "dreaded three week break" she said that same thing to me. She also added that it's true with all people (not just those with PTSD) that if you're working so hard to avoid something it's probably the thing to need to do the most.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks 71. I appreciate the reminder. I don't really know what to do with myself. :(

I have to say that now that I am aware of and acknowledging these things I am afraid of being diagnosed as schizophrenic. I often think I am. It;s another thing I use I think.

 

[faraway]

I don't really know what to do with myself.

Abstract, what is it that you are afraid will happen if you face it? You don't have to answer on here, but you need to dialogue with the part of you that fears whatever it is. I don't want to go on too much in this fashion, but my therapist is now using the internal family systems model with me and I am finding it extraordinarily helpful in understanding how I can be so utterly conflicted over things. How I can be polarised within myself over issues depending upon what "mood" (etc) I am in. How I can feel/think/believe two (or more) utterly contradictory things about myself or the world. It helps me see how and why I avoid things and, I hope, will show me how to stop doing this.

I really think you might get some benefit from the book on IFS that I am reading alongside the work I do with him: Internal Family Systems Therapy (The Guilford Family Therapy): Richard C. Schwartz Ph.D.: 9781572302723: Amazon.com: Books