Denial Of Flashbacks, Intrusions And Dissociation.

[Abstract]

. how traumatic my tumble in the waves was for me as a child is a good example of how after years of denial and normalization we are simply not in a position to judge how traumatic an experience was for us, let alone to compare our experiences to someone else’s

our coping mechanisms were a wonderful gift. We didn’t become suicide statistics; they gave us a way to survive.
Our therapists help us walk the extremely fine line between facing and avoiding our repressed memories. Pain is an unavoidable part of acceptance and healing. But dissociation is the way we cope when the pain becomes too much to bear. .

Hi Dissociated,
Thanks! And thanks for sharing about your tumble in the waves and how it affected you. I know I shouldn't compare and try not to but it is hard. And the self abusing and belittling part of me uses it as another means of damaging me. There is the rational side of me that can see it is relatively not that bad and that circumstances probably aggravated it a lot. But then there is also this full scale battle going on inside me and it uses it as fuel.

You are right that we are living, have not become suicide statistics and are able to converse here in the way we are doing and that is important. :tup: So yay annoying coping mechanisms.

I have heard it said that dissociation can be used very effectively to monitor safety and speed in therapy. I hope things are still progressing for you.

 

[Abstract]

now everything that I thought I remembered seems to be in question in my head. Did I dream all that stuff from my childhood or was it some living nightmare? Am I too close to letting it all out so my brain has me questioning my reality and my memories and perceptions. I remembered everything so clearly and now I wonder if I remember anything at all or did I just make it up.

Debbet, I am very sorry about your med mess up and the fallout afterwards. That is extremely dangerous and worrying. Your Dr could be sued for something like that. The chemist gave me the wrong dose of my meds once in the past and it really affected me. (they gave me my SSRI's at half the dosage).

What you describe in your thinking is what I go through regularly. It is like a roller-coaster ride and most of the time I am truly unable to tell what is real and what isn't. I hope you are stabilised now.

 

[Abstract]

I kept describing myself as separated or detached. I too do not share all information with my therapist out of fear of what she would think if she knew the extent of my detachment. I was misdiagnosed as schizophrenic 20 years ago.

. I have days that when I get to the end of the day I have no recollection of what happened during the day. I have therapy sessions that by the time I leave I don't know what we even discussed. Joining this forum has helped me see that my symptoms are not so different than others diagnosed with PTSD.

I had a belief that the ambulance was going to my workplace for me. I even knew it wasn't reasonable for me to think I could be in two places at one time but it was a very strong belief that I was still at work even though I was driving home.

71, I definitely think you are not alone in not remembering days or sessions. I am glad you feel better about it. There are apparently many who don't have PTSD who suffer with chronic dissociation too. Depression and anxiety alone can do the job. For general dissociation that is.

I really hope you tell your therapist (T). It sounds like she is more than able to support you. You realised and still realise that being in two places isn't reasonable and that I believe means it can't be thought of as schizophrenia. ?

Thanks for sharing about the schizophrenia as it and the Factitious disorder stuff are what get me. I start thinking that maybe there isn't any trauma at all and if that is the case one or other of these two has to be what is happening. :confused:

 

[Abstract]

"Moms".

Junebug:inlove: I wish I was a better mother to myself. I guess I have improved enormously. :tup::unsure:

 

[Abstract]

Typical me. All or nothing. :rolleyes: I tend to take advantage when things move though.

 

[Debbet]

Thank you Abstract, it has been a rough few days but it is better little by little, day by day, for now. Dr. Is out of office for the holiday, visit my therapist tomorrow and I hope she doesn't want me admitted to hospital after the freak out on Friday. Your good wishes mean the world and I thank you for them. Very scary for me and my daughters.

 

[faraway]

Abstract, we are so similar in so many ways. So much of what you wrote last night (whilst I was attempting, and mainly failing, to sleep) resonates with me.

I have never been good at being patient with myself and tend to barrel ahead and ignore any fear or consequences when I decide to do something.

This is a perfect description of myself! :D

I think my need to always look strong and "fine" has greatly stopped my progress in so many ways and ways in which I had no idea they were doing. I also thought I did not need others and that is far from true.

I am absolutely the same way as this. This morning, as I was having a shower, realised that what I was calling a 'dead end' or 'the end of the road' was actually the same as that moment that addicts need - rock bottom. Aside from one thing, everything I have tried to do since 2008 has imploded in my face. I have had an intensely awful time and because I tried to deal with that by moving to a new country and have managed to utterly isolate myself, I had no choice but to face that failure.

Also, because I now live in a small community, I had no choice but to face my utter failure at human relationships, because unlike in cities, you can't just keep trying to make friends with someone new. Then a man came very close to raping me and the few acquaintances I had made just shrugged it off, despite the fact that I had two witnesses. They just didn't think it was a big deal.

Well, that act really escalated the PTSD and I just went totally neurotic and my hypervigilance went through the roof. I ended up walled in. Enclosed. And no matter how hard I kicked, pushed, and pick-axed the walls, they kept standing, and the space inside kept shrinking and I was running out of oxygen to breathe. I had no resources left and I knew that I was very close to losing my job because I couldn't keep my temper with my boss and if I had no job, I'd have no home and then I'd be homeless (again) as I had no friends and this is one cold ass country. So, I had two choices: seek professional help or suicide.

So I smiled when I saw you said this:

I hit rock bottom and could do nothing else

I wondered: maybe you need to hit rock bottom again before you seek out another therapist? Just a thought.

My reasonable mind is there! It just seems that the rest of me doesn't agree. And is blocking me.

Because maybe your reasonable mind needs to see you in a complete and utter mess and then it can take over total control and find someone to help you..? I know I certainly needed to lose all other options than the two I listed above before I could take the reins away to find a therapist. I am sorry if I am just projecting my experiences onto you.

She never believed me. It seems my “I am fine” veneer was so good that she could not consider I was telling the truth.

now can sometimes see that her job was to realise those patterns and listen and point these things out to me rather than just disbelieve me and fall for the veneer I put on.

My first two therapists were like this and they are why I thought therapy was shite until I was forced to try again nearly 20 years later. I'm glad I did because this one is NOTHING like them. It's just a completely different experience.

I am having the same response to attempting to do this that I have when I try to take steps to get a therapist.

You know what sets me off? The word safety. It's actually really difficult to even type that now. The very word - its sound, its spelling, its meaning - sends me into a giant panic. I get really angry if anyone tries to make me think about it in any way.

When my therapist asked me to try to make a safe space, I couldn't do it in the session. I went away, had a total melt-down and couldn't sleep that night over it and wrote him a giant essay of an email the next morning about how the concept of a safe space was logically flawed. It was totally pompous! I just get cross, panicky and very afraid by the word/concept. Even when Hashi wrote it above, I had to just ignore her because I don't agree about safe spaces and it just makes me so angry to have someone tell me that I should try to have one for myself. Totally batty and it is clearly touching on something else for me, but I've no clue what. Anyway, point is, do you think that the word therapy/therapist is a bit like that for you?

My therapist says that it won't necessarily happen. She says that people can resolve their trauma by remembering enough of it to resolve without having to remember it all. I'm choosing to believe this, because I don't know what will happen so I might as well choose to believe something less scary. But anyway, by this point I trust that if I remember something, then that's because I'm ready to deal with it, and it wants to be healed.

My therapist says that too. Both that your mind only gives you enough of the repressed stuff that it thinks you can handle, and it can be through dreams as well as when waking, and also that you don't have to remember everything to heal. Both give me comfort.

Hugs to you all.

 

[Sailorgal]

Abstract,

When therapy was suggested to me, I laughed. I was open to counseling -- just a sounding board and someone to scream and vent at. But therapy? I was too proud. My image (being a strong, tough cookie and fighter) would be jeopardized and I would have to face things I was ashamed of. I also didn't want to really "know" what was inside as like you and all the others, there was something more behind the curtain.

I would look for counselors, call around....as much as I wanted to and knew I needed to seek help, there was a part of me that did it to "look like I was OK." Go to counseling and everything is fine.

It got to the point where I really had no other choice - literally. I would've killed myself not intentionally but my dissociation and PTSD were becoming a course collision! Add my dominant personality and it was a death sentence. I had to take a good hard look at myself and tell myself it was necessary, that I really needed help. I really didn't want to still but the "freeze" wasn't as strong. I had to tell myself I was not OK. I had to convince myself it was a good thing and that it would help me become whole again. There are so many parts involved, maybe you need to spend some "face the music" time to tell all of you that outside therapy will be a good thing because you are more aware of what you need. Tell all your parts you will protect each other and even talk about the session when you are back home and see what feelings come up.

Denial is a huge roadblock and unfortunately the reason many patients don't achieve much success with therapists at first. But a lot of it is the patient too whether they want to push forward or not. It certainly doesn't help with previous unsuccessful attempts!

Humility is a choice and it's a good thing. I hope all of you will be cooperative and that seeing a Therapist will be beneficial. :ninja:

 

[Abstract]

Thank you Faraway and Sailorgal! :) I much appreciate you both and your input. Shall answer you properly a little later.

hinking about having to do things like finding a therapist, is there a word for what comes up? ... If there's a word, can you represent it with a metaphor or an image? For me, this might be something like: My feeling of overwhelm is like a tsunami, my feeling of anxiety is like facing a crevasse, my feeling of vulnerability is like an animal caught in a trap, my feeling of risk is like being on a tiny liferaft in a violent storm.

I have been persevering with this and I think what happens is that the emotion disappears as soon as I start trying to identify it. And then when I think of an analogy it makes it more difficult as I can't feel anything or imagine a situation such as going to therapist or finding a therapist as my mind empties. So although it isn't nearly as total as what happens when I attempt to find a therapist there is an element of it involved. I have a concept of what it is for me but I can't feel it.

The analogies that come up are more related to this than the actual emotions I must be feeling. "Terror" is probably wrong as I think that's what I feel but can't feel it (I feel a bit dramatic saying it as well). There is a moment of panic then nothing.

So the two metaphor are me as a white pillar of salt. And my terror is like a white hole of annihilation. (Rather than a black hole).

How is that for a non nonsensical confusing hodgepodge! ;)

Anyway, point is, do you think that the word therapy/therapist is a bit like that for you?

Faraway,
I am sorry about the word s*fety and what it does to you. it sounds like it might be linked to something in the past. I don't really think this is like that for me. I do think it is the actual concept and reality of therapy itself.

Its possibly representative of my distrust and fear of the therapeutic relationship and having to have one as well as what therapy will entail. Plus the fear of being misunderstood. As my symptoms become worse my need to isolate has increased more and more so I think this as concept is just difficult.

I am desperate for help and totally do not believe I can do this by myself. But can't seem to get past the fear.

 

[Dissociated1]

My heart goes out to you reading about the struggle you are facing, Abstract. So different from my own experiences of separate selfs but so very similar.

The Internal Family Systems Model intrigues me. I see a lot of similarity between it and the way my child’s mind developed separate personalities…

She says that people can resolve their trauma by remembering enough of it to resolve without having to remember it all.

My wife and I have wondered if this was might be the case. The last week has brought back memories of a series of 3 unrelated Christmas events that took place the years I was 6, 9 and 11- I can sense they are all at the core of my dissociation into my male and female selfs. It has been a very very painful week. It tears me apart when my wife tells me about the nightmares that wake my female self screaming and crying that I have no awareness of in the morning; that there are memories so horrible that part of me will not even let me know she is in agony over them. I am numb & exhausted and begin the process of healing. Knowing that I will not see my therapist for another week is a huge relief.

As I “remember” more and more suppressed memories, I am constantly amazed at how I had never really forgotten them. I remember the pain, every detail just as if it happened yesterday. They just got pushed to some dark corner of my mind til I forgot they were there.

 

[faraway]

I do think it is the actual concept and reality of therapy itself.

It's the actual concept of safety that sends me for a wild panic ride too, not just the word. I was trying to say everything about it makes my brain go haywire. I thought it was a good analogy because most people have a positive reaction to safety. In context, I know that my negative reaction is stemming from something else and that this means that I shouldn't shun 'safe' people/places just because the very idea of them, let alone the reality, sends me into a friggin tailspin. It was just an analogy, is all.

I'll not go on as I have a tendency to not shut up. I know I get annoying after a while.

Whatever you do, I hope it works out for the best for you.

 

[faraway]

I remember the pain, every detail just as if it happened yesterday.

I'm afraid this will happen to me once I remember things. :(