Anger

[Thinkingman85]

Today, I had a therapy session and it feel like I opened up. My therapist told me that I am opening up more. However, the more I open up, the more anger gets released. What I said today was pretty hardcore.

During the conversation, I let my emotions go and spoke what I felt. What I said was, "I want to murder the gay man that tried to sexually assault me." I continued repeating how badly I wanted to hurt him and I was connecting with my anger. Rest assured, I'm not going to do anything crazy like that, but expressing how I felt seemed like it was something that I had to do.

With PTSD, I'm starting to come to the idea that I will have to unleash an amazing amount of rage in order to free myself from the pain. However, what I did today was an example of what happens when I let my emotions out. I don't want PTSD anymore, but I'm concerned if I let the rage out... how much rage will be released? I want to feel like I have regained my sanity completely, but I'm concerned of casting some demons out.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have heard it said that when we are afraid we will do something it means that we are aware of the problem and that it will not happen. It is when we are not aware that the bad thing happens. I hope this makes sense. I am glad you are expressing your anger. It is coming out of you freeing you up. Hugs.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I can understand where you are coming from. It seems like I don't want to be attached to the belief of what happened. However, if I'm not attached to the belief, the problem might happen again. I think the more I understand the problem, I'll be confident in that area.

 

[TLight]

Just remember, anger is a natural response. You are not defective. However, it does need to be directed at the abuser or situation and not innocent others. When our symptoms are out of control or we are untreated or in denial, it comes out on others. I know, I've done it. Then there's guilt to deal with, so try not to go there.

Let it out with your therapist, break things, I used to smash pumpkins.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Yes, I understand. I have not directed my anger at the abuser because it would be revenge. However, I'm working on finding a way of "walking it off" and cooling my head. I don't want to go the revenge route, but I've had internal anger and frustration for six years.

 

[TLight]

I know. I went through the revenge bit for at least a decade. Still have thoughts when I'm deeply in my symptoms or depressed. My parents are both dead though, but I've had thoughts of revenge on a lot of others who have wronged me.

Again, very normal. Don't beat yourself up.

When they come up for me, I try to view the thoughts as leaves passing by on water and drifting away, cause it only ends up hurting me again and not them. Although sometimes it is a nice and comforting 'mind indulgence' and I go with it internally fantasizing how great it would be...........can't get outta hand though. Even if I could do it, it wouldn't change a damn thing really.

 

[Rumors]

I find your courage to unleash that emotion incredibly brave as well as coming on here and talking about it. I haven't mastered the emotion thing at this point but I am hopeful that one day I might be able to express the anger I know I have to my T or someone.

I hope by reading your words, I might find the courage to do so myself! Thank you for posting. I wish you well in your journey in finding peace. (())

 

[Thinkingman85]

Yes... A challenge for me will be continuing to let my emotions out to my therapist. My concern is that I don't want to psychologically damage him. Please continue... You can feel better.

 

[Thinkingman85]

These emotions have to be released or I'm doomed. Finding a way to release them are so hard.

 

[safenow]

My concern is that I don't want to psychologically damage him

They are trained to handle it, plus every mental health worker I know (and I have known a lot of them) all have therapists themselves. You're doing great. keep up the good work.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I do not want to go the revenge route either. I had to disconnect from my family. I survived the best out of my whole family. I had alot of rage and anger at my parents for years. I used to take it out on innocent others but I could not deal with the guilt and shame of doing that. So I try to channel it. I journal about it and write letters that I do not send. I used to throw big rocks. It is an intense emotion. It comes from other feelings. It would be good to try to find the feelings that are underneath the anger. I wish you the best.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Consistent with all that has been related so far, the very safest place on earth to reveal such legitimate feelings of rage is in within the private audience of a trained therapist seasoned to revelations of such power. Resentment, outrage, personally appalling thoughts that equate to a desire for the most awful revenge aren't things that any therapist wishes to be kept apart and away from. Anticipate you'll shout and emote in a fashion towards your therapist as though they embodied your aggressor. This dynamic will scare you badly, but know that such is anticipated by your T. What seems an unscalable barrier now is actually a bridge - be brave.

Anger issues that are unaddressed leave those of us who've suffered like-abuse, who've suffered like-experiences of total outrage without recourse to justice are perpetually at risk of displacing our deep-seated anger onto those close, those we love, absolute strangers, etc. for reasons that are far from apparent to them. We're tapping legacies, moments, circumstances, etc. where no resistance was likely possible, while a free floating desire for revenge can be simultaneously intoxicating and incredibly scary to live. We need to understand the cause and accept validation for the enormity of the hurt we feel if such tendencies are to be lessened, if such tendencies are to be grounded.

Vocalizing the outrage in the company of a therapist who is there to reflect back his or her human capacity to absorb your experience, to reflect back their own empathic capacity now (even when you so needed it THEN!) is the key towards lessening the terrible pressure you feel barely contained within. You are human, you are not a monster, and you didn't remotely deserve any of this. You are loved, you are deserving of love, and you can in turn love. Be thankful you have this opportunity to reveal in private and professional company that which cannot be kept down. Kind regards...

M.