I Hate New Year's

[Ayasha]

I hate New Year's. I know I've been feeling more anxious and dissociated as the day has gone by and now that it is nearly the 31st I can not help but wonder if it is just from all the things that happened over my time at my parent's house or if it's the usual problem I get at this time of year.

New Year's is a reminder of most of the bad memories in my life, it's when the adults weren't watching and honestly most of them were drunk or drinking and ignored the kids. They never paid attention.

I don't know how to not flash back or dissociate. I'm trying to remind myself right now that I am in my room at school, I'm safe, and nothing bad will happen.

My counselor reminded me that New Year's doesn't have to be bad, I can do something fun with a friend. I hate hate hate New Year's.

 

[maddog]

I'm sorry Ayasha, I hate hate hate new year's too, and can relate to your dread and anxiety. I too have specific trauma memories associated with this night, and it's a very triggering time for me.

It also feels like a time when I can't help but reflect on everything that's gone and lost, and all of what I don't have to celebrate.

Just as you are doing, I'm concentrating hard on grounding, on small distractions, on internalising the knowledge that I am safe tonight and nothing bad will happen.

If you have a safe, calm, reliable friend and you feel like human connection tonight, that sounds like a potential positive. Otherwise, maybe there is a positive and absorbing activity you could indulge in, maybe something really special, like a rare treat you could shout yourself tonight?

I think i'll be here a lot tonight, so let's all reach out and be together in spirit if this is a tough time.

Maddog

 

[Ayasha]

Thank you, Maddog.

I am trying to keep in mind something one of the counselors told me before I left for break. She said that it doesn't have to be about the holiday, to just think about it as a time for new beginnings.

I am so happy that I am at least in a safe place this year.

 

[WesternSky]

I am glad you're in a safe place this year. I always have a reaction to a holiday (for me, it's Halloween). Your counselor is right that it doesn't have to be about the holiday. Perhaps you could try treating it as a normal night and stay in doing something you enjoy? If you don't mind, I'll keep you in my thoughts this year and send something positive your way. I don't have much advice, just empathy.

Be good to yourself.

 

[Ayasha]

If you don't mind, I'll keep you in my thoughts this year and send something positive your way. I don't have much advice, just empathy.

I don't mind at all, and you are in my thoughts too. I do plan to treat it as a normal day as best I can. I am planning to read some of my books and watch movies.

 

[maddog]

You are absolutely right to focus on the fact that you are in a safe place this year Ayasha. I've been reflecting on the same thing and making a point to note it in my journal. The past 2 years in particular, and to some extent every year before that, I was actually in genuinely dangerous situations at the time of the new year. This is the first year of my life when I am actually, to all intents and purposes, safe. I know there has to be meaning in that for me, which will only be there if I let it be.

So... focusing on being safe, and doing something safe, and soothing, that's just for me. Hope you do likewise!!

MD

 

[Sailorgal]

Ayasha, all New Year's is to me is changing the dates when I sign anything. God knows how many times I wrote 2010 in 2011 and 2012! LOL!

 

[anni]

I have a feeling your thread is going to get a LOT of responses! I dislike New Year's also, not altogether sure why however- I think possibly because there's an awful lot of fake celebration to it, yes, just a reason to drink WAYYY too much- tough to put my finger on. Nice to have a big party, I suppose. Also not huge on the whole ' Aulde Ange Syne ' thing, too dreary, despite being a good Celt.

Sorry, didn't mean to do that thing where your thread gets turned into 'Me'. :) I have dreadful knee-jerk reactions to people who are drunk- too long to get into on your thread, just genuine panic, more if there's a group I can't get away from. Part of maintaining some of the healing for me has been 'balance', gets shot to heck too easily to expose myself to situations where control will be an issue. If possible. The T says also, like yours, invent your own holiday, make it yours- which I realize is a paraphrase of sorts. Ours will be 'safe' also, hee- probably asleep for the big moment, how boring of us.

Just thought I'd say well done, hope you have a cozy, happy evening and a great read.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh wow, if I could say I 'like' or relate to anni's post 1000 times, I would. Like WesternSky, Halloween is more triggering for me. But exactly as anni described- the fear of others' behaviour drinking, and especially in groups, for sure. And times I've found it to be 'forced'- others are not so happy, and definitely not safe. Quite literally. I've been nearly raped before, though usually it's happened not on New Year's, specifically, but december, the summer, etc. Auld Lang Syne (sp?) usually makes me sad, sort of taps into fears everyone will be 'croaking' in the future! So a tad frightening, on some levels.

This year isn't 'safe', exactly, but I have to work quite late. Not sure what to do.. don't have a 'honey' to cuddle up with, have the option of home (possibly not safe, perhaps out of control drinking), or house party (likely not safe), time with one individual (would be a bad choice, gut says so, because of past experience with him). But being I haven't committed myself anywhere, maybe it is ok.

Yikes, not sure if this makes sense, hugs to all. We (all) have the right to some peace, to some joy at making it this far, celebrating in whatever ways that make us feel better, being grateful for all we have and all whom we love, for having 'hope' that things will be ok in the future, whether a day or a year.

 

[Venusian]

I don't like it either. It always seems to be an event where people are supposed to be in couples and if you aren't there is a pressure to be in one at least for the big moment, something I just can not do. I haven't been in a couple for a long time. Going anywhere also implies that I have to remain there until after midnight, there is no escape. I know that I can leave any time I want but I always feel trapped.

 

[Ayasha]

Sorry, didn't mean to do that thing where your thread gets turned into 'Me'.

I don't think you were making the thread about you; you were sharing your own experiences. My counselor said the same thing as your therapist: to celebrate my own holiday. I didn't understand what she meant until you mentioned it but now I think I get what she was telling me to do.

Going anywhere also implies that I have to remain there until after midnight, there is no escape. I know that I can leave any time I want but I always feel trapped.

This is exactly how I've felt every year during New Year's. Especially when mother either took me to her brother's house and for a long time I was too young to drive. In fact, after I got my license I refused to go over there again. Sadly, that is when they started coming to our house and again I had no escape. But that is not the case this year, I made plans to be back at school in my apartment. I can make it through this, and so can we all.

 

[rightkindofme]

I just hide at home. I go to bed at 7 or 8. Yay sleeping pills. No drunks bother me. Woo! My life is really boring though. Happy, mellow... boring. S'ok. I don't freak out as often.