You Have Nothing To Be Depressed About!

[tphillips117]

I have been married for 10 years to a man that really is my best friend. We almost never argue, he tries his best to make me happy and give me what I want and need. We have three kids together and they really are awesome! I feel honored and privileged every day for the opportunity to raise them. We own our home, we have two cars bought and paid for. We have no financial worries. It's really a dream life....

And I hate it! You heard me right, I hate my life. Sounds crazy, I know, but it's true. I have nothing to feel happy about because every emotion is clouded by this unexplainable darkness that literally sucks away any happiness and joy in my life. Every smile, laugh, wonder and amazement come at a price of this almost unbearable pit in my stomach.

I've been diagnosed with PTSD, I'm in denial about it, really. I've also been diagnosed with moderate major depression, and I'm in denial about that too. It's not that I don't think anything is wrong, quite the opposite, it's that I don't want to use these diagnoses as an excuse for feeling so terrible sometimes.

I see a therapist once a week. He's really a great guy, very sweet, very kind, smiles a lot. I'm sure some people look forward to therapy--I dread it like a funeral. My heart sinks whenever I walk into that office. "Tell me your thoughts and feelings" he says. "I don't have any", I reply, proceeded by us sitting there for 5 agonizing minutes (I'm sure it's not that long, but it feels like it) staring at each other until he caves and finally speaks, putting me out of my misery.

I'm stressed out to say the least! I try to hide it. I think I do a pretty good job. I'm on edge every minute. I'm not sure what I'm so afraid of, but I think it's safe to say, that its everything. I have a lot to lose now, and I know at any second it's all going to come crashing down. I'm not afraid of the "worst" happening, I'm afraid that I won't be prepared enough for it. I'm like a doomsday prepper of sorts.

On the 30th, I'm taking my conceal carry pistol permit class. I have a love of guns. I have this insatiable need to protect myself and my children. I NEED a gun...my brain tells me that. But I have a confession, what if in my severely depressed moment of weakness, I look at this pistol as an "option"? That scares the crap out of me. Or worse, what if I'm so hyped up on adrenaline and mistake one of my children for an intruder? Just the mere mention of it, makes me gasp. But the fear I have tells me I must have a gun to be safe. I'm scared to own one and terrified to not have it if I need it.

I'm screwed up. I feel fundamentally flawed. I know I see this world very differently than everyone else. I don't belong here. I feel as certain about that as I am the fact that I have brown eyes. I'm confused, I'm sick inside. No one knows that because I hide everything about me. I want to live and I want to die. I hate my life. I hate me.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I've been wondering where you went! I'm so sorry you feel this way. It is horrible to feel like you are walking on eggs, waiting for it all to end.

I won't get a gun. I know it only takes a split second for me to have the urge and act on it. That's me though.

I know that you feel bad, its a terrible feeling and one many of us know. (((Hugs))) I don't know what to say to make it any better but I am here to listen.

 

[tphillips117]

Hi! I went on a hiatus for a while. I just needed to get away from it all and try to clear my head, but all these months later, I still can't do it. I now see a new therapist whose and expert at PTSD treatment. He's out of my insurance network so I pay $60 out of pocket to see him each week. So far, I've barely spoke about my life. Part of me is like "what's the point, I can't do anything about it now". I also feel terribly guilty for going to therapy when my life is so good. What is wrong with me?

 

[p-no]

It can be difficult to open up to a person, because by opening up we become vulnerable. It took me a long time to open up to my therapist. Do you think you could maybe find another way of communicating with him, maybe write a letter? Even just a short note telling him for example:

Part of me is like "what's the point, I can't do anything about it now". I also feel terribly guilty for going to therapy when my life is so good. What is wrong with me?

Or just a part of it?

Facing the cause of 'all the trouble' can be very scary. It may be a good thing to take tiny mini weeeeee baby steps. They're still steps taken.

 

[tphillips117]

I have written a letter before. It helped, but he seemed ambivalent about using it as a way to communicate, so I've just resorted to being closed up.

We are going very, very slow. He has said that over and over, but considering that I really don't like being even the slightest bit vulnerable, saying anything has become damn near impossible!

 

[Hashi]

It's really a dream life.... And I hate it! You heard me right, I hate my life... I've been diagnosed with PTSD, I'm in denial about it, really. I've also been diagnosed with moderate major depression, and I'm in denial about that too. It's not that I don't think anything is wrong, quite the opposite, it's that I don't want to use these diagnoses as an excuse for feeling so terrible sometimes.

I'm sorry you feel so bad. I'm not sure why you don't want to connect your diagnoses with how you're feeling, but it seems like you're being incredibly hard on yourself.

Regarding feeling so bad despite having such a good family and financial situation, obviously you have PTSD and depression for a reason. Having a good life situation now doesn't make what happened before magically go away. In fact, when our lives get more secure and stable, often that's exactly when a lot of issues come up, because our subconscious minds know we're in a better position to deal with them. I'm not saying that it's easy, often it still feels impossibly difficult, but part of us decides that we have enough to keep us going through the difficulty of working on things.

Part of me is like "what's the point, I can't do anything about it now". I also feel terribly guilty for going to therapy when my life is so good. What is wrong with me?

There's nothing wrong with you for going to therapy when your life is good. There have been things in your history that still need healing. That's what you can do now - make peace with what's happened in the past, so that you can be fully present and enjoying life your family now. Isn't that the point?

I have written a letter before. It helped, but he seemed ambivalent about using it as a way to communicate, so I've just resorted to being closed up

I strongly encourage you to go back and talk to him about this. Unless you've had a very clear discussion, you can't know for sure how he feels about it. You could be misreading him, or there could be an aspect that might easily be cleared up.

For example, he might have a preference for reading a letter during session time or out of it. Or he might prefer just one or two sentences rather than something longer. Or perhaps you could try reading a letter out to him when you meet, if that wasn't how you did it before.

Whatever the issues might be, I'm sure he'd want to explore possibilities that would help you to open up and communicate with him, that would work for both of you.

I'd also suggest that what you focus on talking about first is why you don't want to talk. I think all the things you've written in this thread would be good to tell him in some way. It takes time to build trust with a therapist, and I've found that one of the best ways to do that is to talk with my therapist about the fact that I don't want to open up, and to discuss ideas about how to make that feel safer.

 

[tphillips117]

Aw Hashi,

Thank you for your sweet and thoughtful reply. You are right. I'm terrified that the wall I've built between myself and the world over the last 15 years makes it impossible for anyone to help me.

What if I'm already a lost cause? What if my therapist gives up on me? I think he's already annoyed with me as it is. Now that I'm in therapy, I feel guilty for the both us, and it's turned into an added stress instead of relief.

He knows this, I believe. But he can't help me unless I start talking, so I think I'm going to have to garner the courage from somewhere. I don't want to keep living like this.

 

[Britt.f7]

Your life isn't perfect or good right now. The outside, yes, maybe. The inside? Not so much. Some of the biggest trouble with depression is knowing you have no "good" reason for it. I think that makes it harder to understand when it is happening. I've suffered from MDD, on and off, most of my life. Even when I had it "good". I think depression and PTSD can be very hard to understand at times. There is always the logical point of you that says you should be over things and everything is great around you...but that often leads to guilt and the cycle starts all over. I've been digging myself out of a major depression for the last year.

Sometimes life seems so perfect you wonder if you truly deserve it. I know when things were going well for me I'd often sabotage it.

I would probably stay away from guns right now, though you are feeling the incredible need to protect your family. I won't have a gun in my house simply because I can't take that chance that I might use it on myself.

I doubt your therapist is angry with you. They are use to patients who don't talk. The problem is, without talking you will (probably) not get better. I have a habit of talking about general stuff instead of what I know we should really talk about. Often waiting until right before times up to say anything. Or I down play things. I finally had them read my blog just so they could understand what I was really feeling. I think it helped give them better understanding. Perhaps you could tell your therapist that, right now, that is the only way you feel comfortable communicating. He should understand that.

My heart goes out to you. I wish you didn't feel the way you do. I wish none of us felt the way we do on a bad day, or week, or month or year for that matter. I hope you can find your way through.

 

[tphillips117]

Britt, thank you. I'm really confused. I feel like I have so much emotion and none at all, all at the same time. I'm sorry that you are going through the same thing--depression is really hard to shake off, even with meds.

I can't seem to help but feel that no one really cares. Sure you have a therapist, but at 50 minutes a week, it's at a snail pace rate. How long will I be in therapy? Years? I'm trying desperately hard to understand myself. I have this insatiable need to figure out how my life took this terrible turn in order to figure out how to heal. I'm sure that irrational. If I could just cry, I bet I'd feel a lot better, but I don't have it in me.

Is that how you feel?

 

[Britt.f7]

Pretty much. Recently I decided that I am going to just focus on the now. Yes, things happened to me but I can't do anything to change that. I can't change how I once reacted to it. I can only deal with the here and now and how to get through with what is happening currently. Does this make any sense? Yes the trauma happened. Yes it continues to sneak up on me when I least expect it. I want to know how to deal with it in the present. I don't want to dwell on the past. I want to heal the present me, not the old me. There is nothing I can do for the old me. I'm not even focusing on the future me, though I hope that one is a lot healthier. I just want to focus on the here and now since that is where I am and I am struggling.

When I first got into therapy(again) last year it was after intense inpatient and then day patient hospitalization. When they told me it would be one day a week I grew into a panic. How in the world can you make it through that? Somehow I did, but we also worked a long time on the meds and yes, everything seems like a snails pace right now. Can we fix it um yesterday please, because I am so tired of thinking/feeling this way. Now, since the end of November, I have not seen my therapist as she is on medical leave. I'm suppose to see a new one at the end of this month. I can feel myself sinking back into the despair. I am trying really hard to hold on, but it is just not easy.

My heart goes out to you tphillips. Sorry if my words sound even more confusing. I think my mind feels a little out of sorts right now. I mean well.

 

[tphillips117]

Your words seem perfectly logical to me and I really am grateful for you and all the people on here who try to understand us.

It's not that we choose to live in the past. I mean, technically, one second ago was the past. You want to move forward, it's just that you are not the same. It's like you suddenly live in a world that's a new dimension. You look around and the sky isn't the same blue you recall, the trees look dull and uninteresting, feelings and emotions just don't have the same passion they used to, and Im scared!

What if I don't make it?

 

[Hashi]

What if my T gives up on me. I think he's already annoyed with me as it is.

I doubt it. I think therapists are used to clients who find it hard to talk. If they were going to get annoyed about it, they haven't got much of a future as a therapist ahead of them.

You don't know how he's feeling unless he's told you. You're likely to be thinking the worst, and also likely to be projecting your own feelings onto him. We all do it, it's textbook.

What if I don't make it?

I hope it's OK to share an image that I got when I read this. It feels like you want to learn to swim and believe that to do that successfully you'd have to start by diving straight in from the highest diving board. Having that expectation is going to make it all the more difficult, scary and risky - and therefore more likely that you won't want to try at all. Could you use the steps at the side of the pool instead, and take it bit by bit?

You don't have to go from 100% protecting yourself to being 100% vulnerable. You don't have to be completely better within a certain time, or otherwise that means there's no hope or no point. In therapy I tend to take three steps forward then one or two back. I'm still moving forward overall. Things are better than when they started. I hope and believe they'll get better still, but even if they didn't I'm glad they've got this much better.

A therapy session might be only 50 minutes a week but processing continues outside that, especially if you do work on your own. Maybe it will take a few years, maybe not. For some people it's a year or so. If it does take a few years, then all the more reason to start now. Otherwise those years will pass anyway and nothing will have changed at the end of them.