You Have Nothing To Be Depressed About!

[Abstract]

and hopefully I can control my impulses.

This does make me very concerned TP. I am glad you didn't mean more though! :)

 

[tphillips117]

Abstract, it makes me concerned as well. But it's not exactly something you can come out with to someone. I'm not the type to have a plan. I feel impulsive and I go for it. I ask no questions, I tell no one anything and I go for it. Does that make sense?

 

[Britt.f7]

But for some even via the web something like a hug can feel like an invasion.

Please, everyone know this, I do truly understand why and what for of all of this. The asking and so forth. I do not have a problem with it. I also get that everyone is different. Only have to look at my family to see how true that is.

Letting someone in to my crazy thought processes, which processes all sides of things never just one, was a futile attempt at humor. Obviously I need to work on it.

And, about the nutritionist, no I did not feel bullied in the least. :)

 

[Abstract]

Obviously I need to work on it.

Nope! Me just probably only half on board. :O_o: Concentration almost zero so keep missing things at present!

I get it re the thought processes. My mind goes in circles all the time. All side of an issue around and around. It has its advantages but :sick:

 

[nimkekaa]

tphillips

What you say makes sense but it makes me wonder how safe it is to have a gun in the house.

Many times it is recommended that people with impulse control issues go through their house and make it safer by removing things that can be used when impulse control is not working.

If you don't feel you can guarantee your safety and the safety of those around you because of lack of impulse control then maybe you need to remove the temptation. Just a thought.

 

[Britt.f7]

Very good suggestion Nimkekaa. I know, for myself, tphillips, I try to avoid and stay away from all things that would harm me. I hate guns, but I do not allow them in my house...not because I hate them, but do to the fact that I do not want that type of temptation anywhere near me. Just so you know, I feel that way about having extra medication lying around.

 

[Abstract]

I feel impulsive and I go for it. I ask no questions, I tell no one anything and I go for it.

It does make sense and if your suicidal tendencies are more impulsive then planned then a gun is a very very very bad idea. I think it's important to be proactive because when we are in that frame of mind and especially if we are impulsive then things can happen that you maybe really would not want to happen if you had a cooloff period.

At the very least I think it needs to be left in someones care so that you can't get at it quickly. But even putting aside my personal distrust of guns I don't think you are in a place in your life to own a gun. There are many other safe hobbies you could take up. Your safety is important.

And I think its also important to start working with something like DBT to help with the impulse issues as they are dangerous even without guns being involved.

Also - have your told your therapist all this? If not could you print these posts off and give them to her? I think you should have a contract with her about what you will do if you feel this way so that you are accountable to tell someone first.

 

[Hashi]

tphillips, I'm glad you've clarified about the gun and I agree with Abstract that it would be a good idea to have a contract with your therapist - immediately. At the very least, you need to have a contract with yourself. That's what I used to do at the worst times of suicidal ideation - the only thing I was "allowed" to do was get into bed away from anything I could use, and stay there.

I hope it's OK to say this. I can't help thinking that your discussion suddenly got completely diverted by this theme. One moment it was about trying to open up in therapy and fear of what that might mean, fear of accepting how bad you feel and fear of not being able to get better from it. Suddenly, it seems to have become focussed on something else altogether.

Obviously, it's your thread and you can post about anything you want to. I just want to let you know that I'm really rooting for you to find a way to open up in therapy and work with your therapist. I hope you're staying with that, not necessarily here on the forum if you don't want to, but for yourself. I know how difficult it is, but I believe you can do it and I hope you will.

 

[Britt.f7]

I think the conversation got a little diverted because you stated in one of your earlier posts about feeling suicidal and the possibility of getting a gun and impulse control. Quite a few on here didn't think it was a good idea, at this time, that you bought a gun. Then you went out and bought one despite your own reservations of having one so convenient.

One thing going to a range, another having one in your house. My husband and I had recently had a gun discussion after the last mass shooting here. We agreed that it wasn't a good idea for someone with mental health issues, suicidal or homicidal, to have a gun. Even if I wasn't afraid of guns we wouldn't have one here. During my darkest moments, the temptation would be too great.

I agree, have someone lock it up for you. At least until you work through your impulse controls. Go to the range.

As hard as it is for me to open up to my therapist, and I'm starting a new therapist in a couple weeks, I am actually looking forward to getting back into it. I need to work through my issues, not just for my sake, but for my kids and husband. They, at least, deserve me trying. Good luck to you.

 

[intothelight]

Hi TPhillips,

I have read this thread and the following is my own personal experience and my opinion.

For almost a decade, I was stalked by my ex, my house broken into, phone calls threatening my life; and yes, during this period, I carried concealed daily. I have a permit and wore my gun daily, just like you would underwear. Even having him jailed repeatedly was not a deterrent, so I had my own "just in case".

The problem was, one day it all got to be too much. So I executed a suicide plan and fortunately my oldest daughter "knew" and called the police. So I ended up have my gun taken, handcuffed and driven to the psych ward in a police car. Thank God, my daughter figured it out before I got out the door and drove away. That is the only reason I am alive today, as I would have driven to a remote location and finished my own execution.

So no, I do not think that guns, depression, and impulsiveness mix, other than a recipe for disaster. I am much better than I was, and even went skeet shooting this past summer for recreation. But no longer do I carry a gun or have access to them in this house. We still own some and will target shoot, but that is different than having one easily available. I can enjoy things for sport, but I will not take the risk that I can pose to myself ever again.

 

[tphillips117]

I appreciate all the opinions, replies and concern. I think I know myself pretty well. I can be impulsive but it's mostly for good. I really sort of enjoy the thrill of adrenaline. Just last month I bought a chainsaw to cut down dead trees in my back yard. I'd never used one before, but I read the directions, watched a couple of youtube videos and away I went. Had a great time and got a good workout. I take risks in that regard. I don't have a lot of fear when it comes to doing new things.

I'm at the range a lot. I love it there. When I shoot my blood pressure comes down, I can breath, I feel focused and in control of my mind and body and I've not been able to find anything else that matches that feeling. When I wear ear protection, I can hear nothing else but my own breathing. It's comforting.

I do have depression issues. I think a big part of me denies that fact. PTSD, MDD and all the symptoms that go along with that probably spell disaster on their own without throwing a weapon in the mix. Still, I think I'm ok. I'm on anti depressant meds, and I feel pretty good. I'm going to take my chances.

 

[Britt.f7]

my own personal experience and my opinion

Into the light, thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad your daughter was there for you. It was a powerful share.

My cousin's husband drove off and did commit suicide that way. They weren't expecting it, it wasn't something anyone thought he would ever do. He left her with three young children. Your story really made me think of that.

I guess my husband is right, no matter how sure we think we are, we can never be a 100% certain. Not even me.