What Is Therapy For?

[Pencil]

Let me be more open and honest about why I am in therapy:

I only discovered the word, and the concept, 'attachment' a few months ago. Until then, I was always under the impression that one had to be as unattached, independent, self-reliant, etc as possible. On the surface I get on with people and in ordinary social contexts I can play the game as well as anyone. However, when I am supposed to 'attach' (what a weird concept!) in a romantic or therapeutic relationship, I go into paranoid, frantic tailspins. It simply brings up old stuff - and most of it I can't even begin to decipher. And so, the answer to the question to what I'm doing in therapy is simply: trying to learn what attachment is in theory, and trying to attach in practice :D. And it is unbelievably, stupefyingly difficult!

 

[Pencil]

The short answer to what I'm doing in therapy is simply this: Trying to stay in therapy :roflmao:

 

[Abstract]

But there are times I'm going through a difficult time and then I find it annoying when someone goes on and on

Ah, I understand now I think. I totally understand that you should feel that way. And friendships where both parties are not equally listened to and taken care of are pretty unhelpful. I am sorry that you find yourself in situations like that.

I have a similar pattern but am working hard on changing it. For me some of it is that I really am not comfortable speaking about me to others. The only person I would want to have that type of conversation with would be my sister and she is not a safe person to have this type of discussion with as she tends to become aggressive and attack and in the way that she thinks will cause the most damage.

The only places I have any inclination to have these discussions is on places like this and in T and that probably says a lot about my patholgically private tendencies (sarcasm aimed at self :p)!

 

[Pencil]

often the emotions are so intense and contradictory that words never feel like they are representing what I feel or mean

Exactly. And issues are often so complex that another person - a listener - could easily get lost and/or terribly bored. At least a therapist has to pretend to be interested. But, on a more positive note, I always find with the current therapist, that she knows exactly what I'm trying to say, which is such a relief.

But to get back to what therapy is for: I will now be more honest and reveal what it is about for me -

In social relationships I seem to make the right noises and can get on with people (when I hide my irritation with many). But it is becoming clear that I have serious attachment issues. In fact, I only discovered the word and the concept a few months ago, and I was flabbergasted. I was always under the impression that one has to be as independent and remain as unattached as possible. And this of course made therapy virtually impossible in the past as I was so unattached that I intellectualised everything and my chaotic emotions never entered the room. Now, however, my attempts at attaching to the T send me into paranoid, frantic tailspins, as there is nothing in the world I fear more than being attached to another person.

 

[Pencil]

My apologies - the 'lost' post suddenly appeared!

to become aggressive and attack and in the way that she thinks will cause the most damage.

Oy! I relate to that and I am sorry for both of us.

that others experience this too at times

MOst of my friends honestly don't - they don't get that I am utterly incapable of having an affair / a fling / a relationship / whatever - and I can't begin to explain.

 

[Abstract]

Trying to stay in therapy

I'll send you those handcuffs as you seemed to find the idea appealing. ;)

At least a therapist has to pretend to be interested... could easily get lost and/or terribly bored.

I think you need to be really careful as there is no way of knowing if a therapist would feel that way. For example I am never bored if I see someone doing this. I don't loose patience and I don't get bored even if I am confused and don't understand. T's generally try to be as authentic as possible fpr a lot of approaches. Within what is appropriate of course.

she knows exactly what I'm trying to say

That is an amazing and helpful thing. Especially when you struggle with not feeling seen.

I was always under the impression that one has to be as independent and remain as unattached as possible.

I think that is understandable and you certainly are not alone.

Now, however, my attempts at attaching to the T send me into paranoid, frantic tailspins, as there is nothing in the world I fear more than being attached to another person.

Sometimes the way we interact with others is a coping mechanism and it can hide enormous amounts of vulnerabilities. I think one of mine was just to say that I was fine. Saying that I was not in T had me dissociating so much I could not speak the entire session and session after session.

This messy place you now find yourself in may not be comfortable but it means you are doing the work you need to do.

I relate to that

I am sorry you do. I think it can be a very effective means of driving others away from one when they get too close. My sister has a lot of trouble with relationships. She loves me very much and I have come to terms with what she is not able to give me.

MOst of my friends honestly don't

Oh I can totally believe that. What I meant is that it is something that others do/experience who have had disfunctional families and are in therapy to do with that. And I think many people who fit these criteria would not have these problems either. But I realised that I was not alone and that other people do have these struggles.

When I first discussed this someone said to me that most people are not very self aware but I actually disagree with this. I think many people are not very self aware as they are OK, it isn't in their personality type to think in this way and they therefore have no need for it. That is very different from not being able to express and know what one is feeling or thinking when life has not gone smoothly and when one has been in therapy.

So what I mean is that I don't think it is usual but that I realised that I was not alone.

Oh, and I hear you that your friends seem healthy when it comes to being able to have relationships with others and that they would not be able to understand your inability to do so.

I think what "attachment" is in rough simple terms is to be able to trust someone and behave in a way that enables that person to trust us; to be able to deal with conflict in a way that is healthy and does not push others away from us; to be comfortable showing we care for someone and being comfortable accepting and believing that someone cares for us; to be able to do this over long periods of time without knowingly or unknowingly sabotaging these things. And I think in order to do this we have to directly address the hidden assumptions and misconceptions we have about others and ourselves as well as actually acting out these things in a safe and contained environment - like T.

 

[Pencil]

had me dissociating so much

I seem to be the only person on this forum who does not dissociate; in fact I have often wondered what is means. Would you care to enlighten me?

 

[Pencil]

I think what "attachment" is in rough simple terms is to be able to trust someone and behave in a way that enables that person to trust us; to be able to deal with conflict in a way that is healthy and does not push others away from us; to be comfortable showing we care for someone and being comfortable accepting and believing that someone cares for us; to be able to do this over long periods of time without knowingly or unknowingly sabotaging these things. And I think in order to do this we have to directly address the hidden assumptions and misconceptions we have about others and ourselves as well as actually acting out these things in a safe and contained environment - like T.

Abstract, this sounds like the type of relationship one would have with a colleague, or friendly neighbour- while still not being actually attached to them. When there is a real emotional window between me and another person, and especially with a therapist, I become terrified.

 

[MissMacD]

Why do I go to therapy?

Because I have triggers (they are lurking around every corner) and I need a therapist to help me learn to cope with the triggers and the things I feel when it happens. By facing the unpleasant things in Cognitive Behavior Therapy I learn to become at peace with them.

 

[Hashi]

When there is a real emotional window between me and another person, and especially with a therapist, I become terrified.

For me attachment includes an element of dependence and letting ourselves be vulnerable. I start to need the person in a certain way, so I would miss them and feel something lacking if I stopped seeing them.

Is it the idea of dependence and vulnerability that's so terrifying?

My therapist of three years ago was the first person I'd let myself get attached to, then I was forced to stop seeing her (it was through a charity - there was a time limit on the therapy, and the rules said I couldn't continue to see her in any setting after that). It was terrible, but I did get over it in time and with hindsight I'd still do the same all over again. I'm starting to understand the saying "It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all". What I got from the trust and the attachment has stayed with me, while the pain and loss of the separation has now gone... thankfully. And the experience of having that before has helped me to work on building trust with my new therapist.

There's also the feeling of vulnerability at the time. I've always had to be very independent and protective of myself, so it went against all that to open up to someone.

I really think the only way through this is to do it, a tiny bit at a time. I don't see any way to think yourself through it, because ultimately you would be trying to reason with a part of you that isn't really acting from reason but from long held fears and habits. I think you need to experience that it's OK, by approaching it in a careful, controlled way.

I think it's a mistake to try to do it overnight, or in a few sessions. Not least because you need to check that this really is a person you can trust, before you give them all the trust you have. But also because you need to pace yourself, monitor the effect, and practise using your coping skills if there's emotional fallout afterwards.

I see the best approach for anyone is first to make sure they've got a toolkit of coping skills and ways to look after themselves when upset. I think we have to be realistic about this - we have to expect reactions that we will have to cope with. Therapists can't do it all for us. And we can't just expect things to magically change because we're in therapy. If we had poor or overly-defensive coping skills before, we will still have those unless we learn and practise new ones.

Then I think you need to try going a tiny bit beyond your comfort zone and wait to see how it feels. For me that has been saying one thing that feels very personal that I wouldn't normally say to anyone - for example, saying how much I was drinking, or that I don't feel any love for a family member, or how depressed I am. Not going into details, telling the whole history, speculating about why or explaining when and where - just a tiny bit. Then going away, taking care of myself and watching to see whether the sky falls down on my head as a result of what I said. Then going back to talk about how much it did and how I coped with that.

If you managed that, and your therapist's reaction felt understanding and supportive, then it's safe to try a little more. And then just keep doing it. Do a tiny bit, wait, listen to your therapist's response, monitor the effect on you, use coping skills, go back and talk to your therapist about how it felt.

If you start doing it, in tiny steps, you'll get somewhere over time. Or - worst case scenario - you'll realise that the therapist's approach isn't for you and you need to find someone else, before you invest too much of your money, effort, emotions and trust.

If you feel you have to go from zero to trust in one go, then I think it would inevitably be too overwhelming. If you try to think your way through it, my opinion is that won't take you forward very easily. I understand that there are theories about attachment, but in the end you're not living theoretically. I think basically you need to push yourself to do something, but to do that wisely.

 

[Pencil]

Hashi, I like your post a lot.

Is it the idea of dependence and vulnerability that's so terrifying?

Exactly. Plus, I start acting stupid - getting paranoid and angry and feeling out of control, and when she says something I imagine she said and meant something else and get myself into a total tizzy, and when she explains I feel like an idiot, but then I go right ahead and do it all over again:eek:

 

[Abstract]

the type of relationship one would have with a colleague, or friendly neighbour- while still not being actually attached to them. When there is a real emotional window between me and another person, and especially with a therapist, I become terrified.

:roflmao: I can see why it would read that way in retrospect! I guess what was in my mind is aiming for healthy attachment patterns when it comes to relationships and starting with your T.

Before I say more though I think Hashi has brought up something important. That it's best to pace yourself, monitor your coping; monitor the trustworthiness of your T. See it as a process rather than something that you can magically solve and force in a few sessions and that you are failing at if it is difficult and takes time.

I think it is best to realise it is going to be painful and a process and that if you are working towards trust and this type of relationship then you are doing it right and are not failing at all. You are going back and discussing misunderstandings with your T - that means you are being successful and not failing. You should give yourself lots of credit for that!

Relationships are a dance and not a linear line that you decide you will travel along and then do. It takes two people to influence where one ends up.

When I first realised that I trusted noone and my T at the time said to me, "trust is a choice" I did some very unsafe things. I trusted people I shouldn't have and I did not have the self awareness to be able to monitor how things were affecting me so I just went along and totally disintegrated and again got exploited. So I do think part of trusting is a choice but most of it takes time and is way more than that and it needs to be done with thought and awareness. That isn't attachment of course and rather trust but it is part of the process in my opinion. No safe dependence without trust.

I guess what I was eluding to with my blurb on attachment was a healthy attachment pattern rather than just being attached to a T or anyone. And I was describing how it looked from the outside rather than from the inside. Very obviously there needs to be a level of need, loss, dependence if we are attached to someone. That is what makes it what it is.

I don't want to hooked up in theory or facts as I don't think that is helpful for you but I guess what I was touching on is that often there are behaviours we act out that subconsciously or consciously stop that need from developing.

For example if we assume that the other person is disinterested, means us harm etc without checking what is in their mind then it is sure way to stop us from feeling need and dependence on that person. Why would we feel able to feel dependent on someone who means us harm?! Well that can happen too but that is a different topic.

So what I was touching on is what it looks like from the outside as certain behaviours or actions can sabotage the process so much and we may not be aware of it. Building awareness can help enormously in my opinion.

All this takes time too and we are being successful if we are willing to discuss, go back, change in small steps whilst watching our coping and wellbeing. I hope that makes more sense. Feel free to ask me if not.