The "if" Factor

[MagiLisu]

I believe that what happened and the choices I made were because I was naive. I had no guidance to go from. I did not know they were wrong at the time. The mistakes is because I did not know better or how to do things differently.

I can relate to this a lot, hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Although, I do truly believe the events of my past have made me who I am today, even though I may not like myself very much a lot of the time (even hate myself sometimes) I have other people who like who I am and I may not have them if I was a different person.

Would I be happier, more popular, rich if these things didn't happen, I don't know. I could also be even more miserable, have no one around me, and even poorer.

 

[saffy]

Although, I do truly believe the events of my past have made me who I am today

Made you? What you mean like someone building a robot that cannot be changed?

I think the events in our past do not make us, they breaks us, we need to mend what was done.

Who knows, our minds are full of what ifs. From this moment in time you can be who ever you want to be. If you want to be negative about yourself that is how you will always feel, if that makes sense.

We have all done things we regret or wish we did differently but fate has brought us the wrong way round to this point, let try to go the right way from this point. ;)

I like that you said you have people around you who like who you are? Are they a good judge in character? If so let them like you, they are not seeing you through negative eyes. If they are not good judges then do not set yourself by their perspective of you. :)

It is hard to believe what others say if we have such negative thoughts about ourselves, it is like saying well I do not believe what you say is true so it mustn't be true. But because of your currents thoughts about yourself, why would you believe what they say it true, you do not even like yourself, so why should they.

I think it is so important to like yourself first, then any negative comments from other can be dismissed as being untrue because you know that what they say is not really true about you.

I hope that all makes sense. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[MagiLisu]

I have had this discussion with my therapist and we did one of these 'putting your thoughts to court' charts that my therapist likes doing with me.

I honestly don't know why people like me, just like I honestly don't know why my bullies at school didn't like me. I am torn between what both groups say about me. There was more evidence to suggest I am not a bad person so I guess I am not :confused:. Part of me thinks they didn't bully me for no good reason but then again they were kids.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

There is never a good reason to bully someone. I am sorry this happened to you. I hope for your healing from this bad experience. Hugs.

 

[saffy]

Hi Magilisu

I felt exactley the same way as you up till last year. I did not know me at all. If people liked me I wondered why, If people did not I wondered why.

Bullies are bullies and pick on vulnerable people to make themselves feel powerful and better about themselves.

I had such a low opinion of myself I let them and then blamed myself. If people liked me I question myself why. Why would anyone like me, who am I to like.

I have had to really find myself. My past abuse led me to believe that everything I said or thought was wrong, I was scared to be me, to stand up for me, to look after my own needs and know I had every right to do that. I felt I deserved to be treated badly, and I always focused on the bad, which made me paranoid and untrusting of the good.

I sat down and wrote down everything I liked and did not like. I wrote down my honest opinions about things without someone telling me that it was wrong to think like that. I wrote down my feelings, my attitude and my emotions honestly. If in my head I thought oh you shouldn't do that or think of that or feel that, I asked my self if It was me saying that or the conditioning. I learnt about me.

It is really hard to explain now because I have changed the way I see myself. if that makes sense.

Every thing I wrote down I told myself, that is the real me.

For instance, I had to right down what music I liked, what films I liked, If I felt sad, angry, upset, happy, disgusted, disappointed I had the right to own these feelings. That is what makes me me. My inner conflict was because I denied myself who I was.

I learnt about assertiveness and interpersonal skills. I learnt I had rights as a human being and that I was unique and special in my own way and no worse no better or no different to anyone else.

This link helped me too: [DLMURL]http://www.skillsyouneed.co.uk/interpersonal_skills.html[/DLMURL]

I wrote down my morals, my virtues and my beliefs. I wrote down in big letters it is ok to say NO without feeling guilty.

All these things were about finding myself and liking what I found. Because I am not a bad person inside I just did not know it.

I learnt that I could set boundaries to protect myself. I could disagree with others because I stood by my own personal opinion about things.

Wow, after 45 years of thinking like you I am glad I found myself. I actually like who I am now. If anyone else does not that is there problem not mine. It gave me a sense of identity and personal power.

You will find this. I promise, but it will be hard and at times you just want to beat yourself up. But in the end you start to cuddle yourself instead. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[MagiLisu]

Thank you Saffy for your post.

I will give that link a look, and I will try and work out who I am. I like the idea of writing out a list of what I like and what I don't like about myself. Must try not to venture onto what others have said about me.

 

[safenow]

Would I be happier, more popular, rich if these things didn't happen,

You are doing that IF thing. Trust me when I say, it is not a good thing to do. When you can live in the present, it is a gift (present) to you. If can drive you totally crazy. In my opinion.

 

[safenow]

Wow, after 45 years of thinking like you I am glad I found myself. I actually like who I am now.

I really like that, saffy. Some times it does take us that long to find ourselves, doesn't it? I learned that lesson in 1986 and it stuck. When I've had more trauma since that time, it takes a while to bring myself back to that point again. But I manage to get back to it.

I love the way you worded your entire post. You have a good command of communication skills.

 

[Tinyflame]

My "what if's" correspond more so to the present, not "what is's" about the past that cannot be changed. But I guess they're colored by the past.

 

[saffy]

I like the idea of writing out a list of what I like and what I don't like about myself.

That is great Magilisu. We are behind you all they way and always here for support :)

I new deep down that I was kind, caring, considerate, empathic, fun, sexy, unselfish and a good person who deserved to be loved and respected for who I am. I just had that knocked out of me, it is back now.

If anyone tells me different I ask myself 'who are you to judge me' I am my own judge and I will know if I do something bad and out of my truth. :)

You have a good command of communication skills.

Thank you safenow, that is very kind :hug: .

I have to admit I am better at communicating on paper than face to face, I tend to ramble and talk very fast. when I do this I go on a roll and it is only after I realise the other person must be blown out by it. I am learning to talk the way I write, with pauses and time to think rather than just blurting it out.

I think this is because I was never listened to or shown any interest or concern, so now I try to get it out as fast as I can. It fries the listener. I am getting much better though and the link I put up above has really helped. So I hope it helps others too. :)

Yes, it did take a long time for me, I had no perception of the importance of it, I was really that naive. I did not even know the words boundary or assertiveness let alone what they meant as personal skills.

I have found that I have much more control now and not afraid to disagree and be proud that I like something different not scared that it might make them hate me or attack me or give me that 'you must be stupid' look, for liking something different. I am not afraid to stick up by them.

I do not think that people must think I am a bad person any more because if they do I know now they are wrong and saying it because they are either a bully or insecure themselves. :)

I was definitely a chameleon and if anyone disagreed or said they did not like what I liked or thought, I thought I should not like it either, even though it went against what I was actually thinking.

I suppose I was not coming from my truth but rather agreed with every thing they said to fit in. Which gave me no identity, no rights and no boundaries. I hope that makes sense.

I find it has really helped me coming on this site because I can write down what I am thinking as I think it, read it back, go over it, take my time and get some fantastic feedback. :D Thank you all :singing:

I do tend to misjudge facial expressions and behaviour and take them personally, which then makes me very anxious and then I start to do irrational things. I have learned that it is this that pushes them away not the true me.

aw, I am a sensitive soul really even though I come across as someone you do not mess with or get close too ;)

wow, rambling again. :)

I am glad you found yourself in 86, (a year to remember eh:)), It must have felt like a huge relief, at least it did for me because things started to make sense, at last. :)

I hope you are all feeling positive today :)

best wishes
Saffy :)