Poll Have You Ever Had Survival Sex?

[therapybankrupt]

Philippa I agree!

There could be so many situations people could find them self in. Those fairly safe and those really dangerous and abusive. Still having sex to survive.

Tb

Tb

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I see my therapist on Wednesday and I plan on having a long conversation about the prostitution part of my life.

So I am asking him; I don't feel remorse or guilt for what I did. But should I? I do not see it as a traumatic event. It does not give me nightmares, does not scare me, does not make me edgy. But should it?

Sometimes I will find myself alone with a man though. Sometimes I will have two feeling: Scared he will hurt me. But there is another one..the training bit comes into play. The offer of sex. I have even sometimes had thoughts of: "Should I be offering sex right now?" and I am married...and these are just random people. The trade of sex is hard to shake, the thought of this is what I am trained for is still in my head. I can even put on a mask, just like before, bury all feeling and just play a part. Like it's nothing. I am trained for sex, for making men happy and knowing what they want sexually.

But I don't do this with my Husband. I have never looked at him and traded sex for ANYTHING. I guess me and him are on a totally different level.

This is the first time I have talked so openly about all this. Nice feeling.

Maybe not only ask therapist but post a question in the Ask Anthony forum. Two more opinions couldn't hurt.

 

[therapybankrupt]

I do genuinely want to know what would make you feel that way, Therapybankrupt. Sounds like something you should talk about?

Being you identified my post a emotion rather than a fact did not make any sense to me cause I lived it. Did not want to offend anyone. I probably would have elaborated but it was not the purpose of your thread! It was a horrible time in my life and thanks for your concern.

tb

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am glad you are feeling calmer. It was not my intention to upset you. I am sorry about that.

I probably would have elaborated but it was not the purpose of your thread!

I think you should start your own thread about this if you feel comfortable. Maybe it is a good idea to talk about it TB. It's good to talk about anything that bothers you. You have that right.

 

[Philippa]

Even after I participated in this thread the other day, I found myself feeling shame inside for the things I've done recently, when I was feeling quite vulnerable and fragile the other day, even though I don't actually have sex or even give blow jobs to clients.

The social conditioning that we are bombarded with is so strong, and when you are feeling a bit low it is much harder to feel ok about the choices you make, even though at other times it doesn't seem like anything to feel ashamed of.

I know intellectually that there is nothing shameful about it, but when I am feeling this way, it is much harder to ward off the shame society wants me to feel. I thought I'd share that here. I guess we all have those days, with any job really.

I just feel like is this really the best I can do? In terms of conditions, money and freedom, it's about the best job I've ever had...but it is also giving me firm resolution that no man can be trusted, and I will NEVER get married...although I have met one or two who would never go to a place like that for that kind of service...which is faith restoring.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am feeling like that too the last few days.

I keep thinking of it and it makes me want to talk about it more. I think it's okay to talk about. I think it's good to talk about. But it brings up memories, and even though I don't find those memories to be traumatic they were life changing.

I did what I had to in order to survive. I would do it again. I would do it now if I had too.

 

[Philippa]

I think it is this whole stigma surrounding sex that is the problem. That it's dirty, that it's something to be ashamed of...showing your body, touching, even genital touch. I know a woman who is currently offering workshops teaching women how to give quality lingham (tantric word for penis) massage, as part of erotic massage at the moment...I was invited to the workshop, but I feel like i'm already getting enough insight and practise into this.:D

It makes me wonder what really is the difference?

It is that she is offering insight for people in relationships where they can deepen their intimacy, by overcoming the fear so many woman have of genital touch and reaching for it comfortably.

If there wasn't such a stigma, men might not feel like they had to come to these places. I'm not saying that to blame women as such, and it might not even stop them from doing this, since men seem to need variety, and get bored easily...in my experience there.

I've even had clients tell me never to trust men.:D The whole Madonna/Whore complex is a stumper.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I wouldn't mind being a part of that workshop. Sounds like fun to learn something like that. And you are right it would open up a new stage of comfort between people.

It's only in the last few days I have been thinking of it. Before it was just something that happened. There were times when I would feel deep deep shame in the last few years but it was always replaced with knowing what I did was right and I did it to survive. Now I am still sure what I did as being right but a wondering if having those feeling is okay ( stigma).

Also I am acknowledging the fact that if Husband had not stepped into my life when he did it would have continued. And I think I would have liked it (not really talking sex here) ...having those feeling of 'liking it' and doing it for money. No shame attached. It confuses me and again I am faced with the stigma and feeling of shame I feel like I should be having but am not.

I would do it now if I had too. I know that and does that make me a bad person? Need to talk to therapist tomorrow about all this. :confused:

 

[Philippa]

Some days I DO like it, and when I am not feeling low or vulnerable, I feel no shame whatsoever for what I do.

With certain clients, who are polite and nice to me, and don't grab at me or pressure me or lie to me to try and manipulate me to do other things I don't want to do. As a single woman, I find it a fun job to have at times...but only with certain clients.

There are also less savoury types and that is when the hour drags on. But I enjoy the fact that I have total control over who I choose to offer this to, and it also gives me ample opportunity to practise saying no to the ones I don't like. It is teaching me to be cunning though, as I tend to give a more relaxing massage to the ones I don't like, so they will fall asleep for the whole massage.

It seems like a strange thing to say, but I actually think working here is a positive step in my own healing. It is helping me get back in touch with my own sexuality, I have control over these mens bodies, and can practise saying no regularly...which I needed. AND I get paid extremely well for it.

I've been warned by my last counselor and a man I had a strong connection with who was also in the massage industry, that I was setting myself up to be raped again...but actually, it is one of the safest workplaces I can think of. These men can't do much, even if they wanted to. I'm the one in control.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I just feel like is this really the best I can do?

Sorry Philippa. Though I think it is fair to say people of all different career choices say the same thing.

it's about the best job I've ever had

I feel like that too. It was just so simple to do (feeling a bit of shame again now). And it paid me better then my retail job did.

I remember right before going to see one of these men I took a shower. I knew what was going to happen because we talked about it. So I was getting ready. Now I understand it was not fear I was feeling. It was shame for what I thought should be very shameful indeed. Looking back it was my best job... You just go in, put on the mask and play a part.

 

[Philippa]

I think that's true too. Everyone at some point feels like they can do better than what they are doing for money.

I hear you about how simple it is. I almost feel bad that it is too easy. Yesterday I made $70 for 20 minutes of massage, with just my top off. I didn't even touch him down there. He got bored and sent me away after 20 minutes. I still got to keep the cash though. It's too easy.

It makes me wonder why I waited till my late thirties to do this now?

I slaved at so many crappy shitty, BORING jobs that paid poor wages, with asshole bosses for so long. Here, the boss buys us lunch every second day, we can shower there (which is great for me, as I don't have my shower installed yet at my home.) and we get a room of our own to lounge around in between jobs, wear what I want, go barefoot, dimlighting which is perfect for me, and just awesome money.

I don't leave the place without a minimum of $200 a day. Sometimes I will only do 3-4 jobs...that's about 3 hours in total, and I walk away with that much. Why WOULDN'T I do this?

The feeling of not having to worry about money, and buy food and luxury items without thinking about whether I can afford it or not...it's just ...I could get very used to it.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

What started it for you?

I slaved at so many crappy shitty, BORING jobs that paid poor wages, with asshole bosses for so long.

My bosses were not so great either. One of them sexual harassed me. My sexual partners treated me better then that guy.