Thought If I Took Off I Might Find Some Peace...

[xena21]

I've been at the end of my rope for a while. I run into my bedroom and hide when someone knocks on my front door...window blinds are always closed so nobody can see inside. Nighttime is a juggling act in my head of trying to distract myself from self-harm thoughts and suicidal ideation.

A few days ago I decided to be on the offensive against my own thoughts and fears, and leave my surroundings. I packed things to camp outside or just stay in my car, didn't matter, I just wanted to leave. I knew I had options away from my house or thought I did, so I left. I just wanted some peace. As you can probably guess, peace doesn't come that way.

I've been traveling for a few days now and have not found peace. I don't feel like I can go home to that life, but I don't want to live in this one either. I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried therapy at the VA and other DBT group things but this endless search for peace is haunting me.

 

[NarcSis]

Has anyone ever used the saying, "wherever you go, there you are" with you?

I understand the need to run, I get it often, I've done it a few times....it doesn't change anything because, everywhere you go, there you are. Running is useless because the issue is in your mind.

I discovered meditation to help me in those wound up restless moments. Work at clearing your thoughts/head while progressively relaxing. If that doesn't work try to return your thoughts to the present, use the 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding method to help you bring your mind back to where you are.

It's frustration, it's feeling trapped and usually it's because we're spending too much time lost in mental chatter.

It takes time, practice and more practice. Give it a try. Hugs.

 

[TLight]

I hear ya. Done it many times. Safest place is actually at home and with support. Venture out in steps. Distract, find hobbies that give you some outlet. Talk to people when you feel safe. Baby baby steps.

Running is ok, but it's true, won't make it go away. But venturing into nature is good good good.

 

[xena21]

Has anyone ever used the saying, "wherever you go, there you are" with you?

I guess I have heard that before. Thanks for listening to me rambling on. I appreciate your feedback. As you pointed out, it really doesn't change anything since the problem is in my head and not in my environment.

Probably the last straw cowering in my bedroom last week again did it. I NEEDED to get out of my house. Along with severe PTSD I also have severe OCD, and I don't leave my house often. I got fed up, and I thought that leaving might give me the push to kill myself while I was away or find some other answer. The OCD affects me in regards to public places and harm thoughts, so I avoid people with that as well.

Finding treatment has been a joke to combat both of those together, and I figured I would settle things my own way...or I would try anyway. Thanks for your ideas. I've tried meditation in the past. With the OCD harm obsessions, I've had a difficult time feeling relief with that. I appreciate the thought though.

 

[Britt.f7]

Xena21, I've often felt like running, if only for a night. Especially after my mother died and especially at night. Then came the time after that where I refused to move anywhere. First I stayed in my room. Later I ventured to the living area. It was hard for my family to see. I'm finally able to go out, but in spurts. I don't feel the need to run anymore.

Can you go outside the VA for help? With all the talk about PTSD and such I would have hoped the VA would be better at handling it. I'm sorry it hasn't been. You definitely need and deserve good help. Please check in to a hospital if the suicidal thoughts become too tempting. I hope you know what I mean. There is a point they get close to the no turning back and you know it. That is what got me hospitalized, briefly, last year. Getting too close to that point. That was before I finally started therapy.

I wish you help with this.

 

[squireparty]

I too often just want to run away - but I wonder to what, to where, how will things be any different somewhere else? What exactly will be solved by running? But the thought is tempting. Given that I live in Phoenix, I sometimes think of Tucson - there are mountains outside of town called the Santa Catalinas that are over 9,000 feet high. I wonder if I could find a way to live off the land in these mountains and be done with society? Not especially practical as this would require skills I don't have, but I sometimes wonder if I could do it.

 

[christinemargaret]

I have trouble leaving the house then when I do I find I don't want to go back in. Some days are better than others. My good days are when I'm able to recognize what kind of day it is and do what I can. Sometimes that means be consumed by my perceived inabilities, or fake it if say I have to go to work or put on that happy face, or some days I'm able to do things I know are beneficial to my well being. The best days are when I am just enjoying without reasoning. Recognize the kind of day and draw upon skills to handle it. Ptsders certainly have coping skills, I guess see them as a positive.

 

[safenow]

I wonder if I could find a way to live off the land in these mountains and be done with society?

When I used to get "people" polluted, I'd head for the Colorado rocky mountains. There used to be a spot outside of Rifle where I could backpack up into an old ghost town. I'd go just outside that and live off the land for a couple of weeks, then I was ready to handle the outside world again. Unfortunately, there is a high fence over all that area now, so I can't get there any longer, even if I was able to.

You need a good sleeping bag, a rifle, some shells, a shovel, matches, and a hatchet, and a good knife. For me, the other thing I take is my scriptures, toilet paper, and a trash bag.

I found for me, who lived outdoors as a wee child, it helped me to ground and remember what the important things are in life. I was able to leave the "people" problems all behind and refresh my body, mind, and spirit.

Some times it helps to leave where you are, but that saying is so true, you do take you with you no matter where you go.

 

[xena21]

Can you go outside the VA for help? With all the talk about PTSD and such I would have hoped the VA would be better at handling it.

Britt - Thanks, It's been a tough road trying to find therapy that would work, because I have severe OCD along with the severe PTSD. Therapists don't seem to be experienced in these together and the VA only works with PTSD. The problem is my OCD makes the PTSD so much worse. That's why I always want to just run away (metaphorically speaking in my head), until last week I couldn't take being in my house anymore. I was triggered and packed my bags and left.

I realized when I got to where I was going that I couldn't stay there either because my OCD symptoms were so bad. It took me hours to get to the point I could sit on the bed at the hotel, and everything was contaminated. Anyway, that is just part of the OCD symptoms. I was so frustrated because I knew when I had left my house things wouldn't work out, but I was desperate.

Sometimes desperation drives me to do foolish things like that when I know I will still feel miserable at the end. It's like I need to just act to get myself out of where I am or something worse will happen. I'm not sure if that makes sense. Even though my own house triggers my PTSD so much because I feel vulnerable or for other reasons, I fled to where I knew I would be miserable for another reason.

 

[Britt.f7]

I'm not sure if that makes sense.

Yes, everything you said made sense. I'm really sorry you are dealing with this right now. OCD is out there, being talked about, no therapist worth his salt should be unable to handle it. Sorry the VA is unable to. I couldn't imagine dealing with both the OCD and PTSD. Must be conflicting at times.

I use to go to see a funny movie when my depression got really bad or anything just to get out of the house. It's changed lately. Unfortunately.

I wish you the help you need.

 

[saffy]

I know what you mean about running, getting away from it all. xena :)

I realised when I ran I was searching for something, when I hid I was running from something. I had to find what I was searching for. I realised that Inner peace is a state of mind and can only be found in you, not from someone or something else. When you find this inner peace it doesn't matter where you are. :)

For me I read lots of books but I think the one that had the best impact was 'practising the power of now' by Ekhart Tolle. It gave me a basis to work from.

Yes I still stumble at times and feel like going and completely changing what I have now, I put a few bits on here about it last week, but that passed and I realised I was looking for something again, rather than just working on improving what was right here, the now.

I've done running and searching. I realise I will get to this new place and for a while it will seem different and exciting, it will fill a void for a moment but when the honeymoon period runs out I will still be me, geography will not help. If that makes sense.

I hope find inner peace :hug:

best wishes
Saffy :)