Trying To Break The Habit.

[Philippa]

I've noticed lately (well in the last few weeks, to a month to be more precise) that I have been attracting people who are miserable, from break ups, or whatever else is going wrong in their lives, and so they come to me and talk about it, and it makes me think and talk about things that went wrong in my own relationships, and the emotions from those memories surface.

I was thinking I might be doing better than I might actually be doing, and I want to be able to start creating new neural pathways that have me focusing on happy thoughts, or at least positive things that are happening in my life, so that I can not just be in the habit of being depressed and miserable.

I have lots of things to be grateful for in my life right now, though I also have some very hard emotional stuff that I am working to overcome or not be so affected by. I do my best to make gratitude lists and remember the good things in my life...but when I have these people show up, it makes me think I might never be able to escape the habit I've gotten so used to.

For a while as well, I seemed to be attracting people who just complained constantly about so many things in their lives. If it wasn't my friends, it was co-workers and anyone else I came into contact with. It became overwhelming.

I'm a big believer in watching my external reality to get a good idea of where I am at in my inner world, as the people and things going on usually indicate or reflect what is going on inside me.

Does anyone else relate to this? I guess this is more of a vent to acknowledge that this is happening. I recently let go of a friendship that I felt was becoming polluted by both our indulgence in complaining and focusing on the people who were not giving us what we need, or behaving a certain way to us. I think it is healthy to vent to a certain degree, but it started to feel like it was the basis for our whole friendship, and the only reason we got together.

I have also started to attract in the last week one person who is fantastically happy with her life, and she seems to like hanging out with me and talking. She is a traveller and we enjoy communicating. I think she sees me as someone she can practise her english with, which i'm happy to help.

I am wondering if I am at the same level as she is, happiness wise, as I have had another woman there tell me she can feel my energy is depressed (and thinks she is psychic.), which always makes me self-conscious and I never know what I am really feeling when people start telling me what I am feeling, as though they know better than I do. I get that a fair bit from people claiming to be psychic and empathic...but who actually behave in very nasty ways, that show little regard for anyone else or their feelings.

I'm not sure what that is about, or why it keeps happening to me. I guess I am trying to get clear about where I actually am at, emotionally. Am I happy, am I depressed? Today I've been emotional, but in a good, releasing grief way, and feel self-love and have been taking good care of myself.

 

[Bernie's_mom]

I recently let go of a friendship that I felt was becoming polluted by both our indulgence in complaining and focusing on the people who were not giving us what we need, or behaving a certain way to us. I think it is healthy to vent to a certain degree, but it started to feel like it was the basis for our whole friendship, and the only reason we got together.

I know exactly what you are talking about. I had a friend just like that. I suppose, at the time, we met a need for each other; but when I moved, I hadn't really been in contact with her and I didn't leave any forwarding info. I was actually quite disappointed when she found me at my new location.

At first, I was happy to renew the friendship, but it didn't take long to see that there was nothing new under the sun. Then I noticed that I was never able to get a word in edgewise and I started to feel like I was a therapist for her. I don't have a problem with venting, to a point. I do have a problem with relationships that only go one way--no give and take. So, I let her go.

Unfortunately, she contacted me again. Wanted me to do some lying for her in order to cover up some lying SHE did. I told her that I could not and would not, as a Christian, do any such thing. She got angry that I would put Christ over our friendship and then pulled the guilt/manipulation/turn it all around on the other person tactic. After surviving 14 years of that with an abusive "husband" and his family...no way am I having anything more to do with her.

I have also started to attract in the last week one person who is fantastically happy with her life, and she seems to like hanging out with me and talking. She is a traveller and we enjoy communicating. I think she sees me as someone she can practise her english with, which i'm happy to help.

Good for you! It sounds like you are changing...growing. You are finding new and healthier friendships, with people who are at the same place as you are in life.

I have had another woman there tell me she can feel my energy is depressed (and thinks she is psychic.)

Personally, I would stay FAR away from anyone who tried to tell me how I feel. Are they God? How dare they!

 

[JadedGhost13]

I call negative people energy vampires, and that is what they are for me. Its like they turn my good day upside down. I have had to learn to just cut these kind of people from my life. Its not easy to do, but I am getting better at it.

There are days when I look at my husband and ask if I have some kind of magnet on me I cant see, or a sign on my back that attracts these kind of people.

One good part of working the night shift is that most of those kind of people are asleep and they know better than to call my phone during the day and by the time I let on that I am awake most of them are in bed!

 

[Philippa]

I know exactly what you are talking about. I had a friend just like that. I suppose, at the time, we met a need for each other;

I felt like we met a need for each other as well, except that at some point it started to feel like the expiry date had been outworn and whatever we came together to give each other had been fulfilled, and there was nothing else to learn.

Then I noticed that I was never able to get a word in edgewise and I started to feel like I was a therapist for her. I don't have a problem with venting, to a point. I do have a problem with relationships that only go one way--no give and take. So, I let her go.

I can understand that.

It was a little different in our case. There was give and take, and I was as bad with dwelling on my stuff as she was with hers, so I wasn't trying to make out like it was just me listening to her complain all the time. She also gave me her ear quite a lot too. My gripe with her was mainly that she complained about the same thing every time...for years. It was always someone else not showing her enough support, and the first time she mentioned it to me in the early days, I asked her straight up if she ASKED for support, and she said no she didn't.

So it was obvious to me that she thought everyone was a mind reader, or should be to save her having to ask for the support she said she needed. I tried to point this out to her, thinking it would help her to look at where she might need to change...but years later, she still whines about the same thing...people not supporting her, when she never asks them to, and expects them to just know what she needs.

I started to get real sick of hearing the same story over and over, and always with her playing the martyr who does so much for everyone else (even though they don't ask for her help or want it) and then complains to me when they don't return the favor...when they don't even know she wants help.

I felt like my insight and observations were falling on deaf ears, and she just wanted to complain without doing anything practical to change the situation...and that's when I start to feel like I've wasted my time and energy. It reminded me so much of my mother and our relationship...and I think this is the real reason I started avoiding her, and eventually cut ties. I'm not in contact with my mother at the moment, and we do not get along at all.

This friend represented the family I could turn to, when my own family of origin were not in the picture and were incapable of giving me the emotional support I needed. I started to see how her own co-dependence was starting to leak into the friendship though, and did not want to get entagled in that.

Unfortunately, she contacted me again. Wanted me to do some lying for her in order to cover up some lying SHE did. I told her that I could not and would not, as a Christian, do any such thing.

I hate it when people expect that. I'm fortunate to not have anyone who expects that of me in my life.

She got angry that I would put Christ over our friendship and then pulled the guilt/manipulation/turn it all around on the other person tactic. After surviving 14 years of that with an abusive "husband" and his family...no way am I having anything more to do with her.

Fair enough.

Good for you! It sounds like you are changing...growing. You are finding new and healthier friendships, with people who are at the same place as you are in life.

I am.:) I no longer have anyone in my life who speaks down to me, or condescends me or otherwise is disrespectful towards me. I only have loving, authentic people who are interested in their personal growth and being good to themselves and others. It feels healthy.

Personally, I would stay FAR away from anyone who tried to tell me how I feel. Are they God? How dare they!

I know. What is it with people who do this? I stay away from most of them, but the one at work I can avoid for most of the day, but we still run into each other in the kitchen, but I try and keep it very brief with her.

 

[Philippa]

I call negative people energy vampires, and that is what they are for me. Its like they turn my good day upside down. I have had to learn to just cut these kind of people from my life. Its not easy to do, but I am getting better at it.

It does get easier. I think we can all be negative at certain times, but some people make a career out of it. There were also some positive things about her of course, and I did learn a lot from her from an artistic perspective, as she is an amazing artist, but it often turned into a whinge fest that left me feeling bad in my solar plexus area. It did feel draining, and the fact that I felt like i needed to avoid her said a lot. I'm not perfect either, and it was both of us kind of feeding into our own negativity through each other.

There are days when I look at my husband and ask if I have some kind of magnet on me I cant see, or a sign on my back that attracts these kind of people.

I think when you are an open person, who listens, it tends to attract people with issues who need to vent it all over you. Being sensitive can be a drag sometimes. I've had to learn to really take care of myself and not give too much of my time to people who just want to dump their stuff on me and then skip off feeling great while I feel bogged down by their stuff. It's happened too many times.

One good part of working the night shift is that most of those kind of people are asleep and they know better than to call my phone during the day and by the time I let on that I am awake most of them are in bed!

That sounds perfect.

 

[ms spock]

I was thinking I might be doing better than I might actually be doing, and I want to be able to start creating new neural pathways that have me focusing on happy thoughts, or at least positive things that are happening in my life, so that I can not just be in the habit of being depressed and miserable.

I think that you are doing better than you realise.

That is a good insight to have Phillipa.

It is good to start to allow space in your life for new habits.

 

[Philippa]

Thankyou Ms Spock.

I think I am doing it ok and I do my best to stay positive in every situation, but I get thrown off when I have people telling me how I feel. It makes me all self-conscious and I'm not sure if they are right, or if they are projecting?

 

[ms spock]

I am wondering if I am at the same level as she is, happiness wise, as I have had another woman there tell me she can feel my energy is depressed (and thinks she is psychic.), which always makes me self-conscious and I never know what I am really feeling when people start telling me what I am feeling, as though they know better than I do. I get that a fair bit from people claiming to be psychic and empathic...but who actually behave in very nasty ways, that show little regard for anyone else or their feelings.

I'm not sure what that is about, or why it keeps happening to me. I guess I am trying to get clear about where I actually am at, emotionally. Am I happy, am I depressed? Today I've been emotional, but in a good, releasing grief way, and feel self-love and have been taking good care of myself.

Just look at them skeptically and go "O Really?" then roll your eyes upwards and go "Please don't waste my time with this type of thing. I am not interested." Then walk away. They won't do it again. They only do it to people they perceive as vulnerable.

 

[Philippa]

Thankyou for that. I think you're right. She's a real nasty piece of work too. This woman planted a condom in my room and then told the boss that she found it...making me look like I was having sex with clients to get me in trouble, or possibly fired. All because I took "her room", when the rules have been made clear...whoever gets there first has the room for the day. They belong to no one except the owner of the building...she just places herself above the rules, because she thinks she is hot.

I got the sense that I'm a threat to her. She hates me.

 

[ms spock]

Thankyou Ms Spock.

I think I am doing it ok and I do my best to stay positive in every situation, but I get thrown off when I have people telling me how I feel. It makes me all self-conscious and I'm not sure if they are right, or if they are projecting?

Often people are projecting, sometimes they are fishing, sometimes they just want to look impressive, sometime they want to manipulate people. If you told everyone who you saw in the day that they look sad - well you might get a 50% hit rate. That could seem impressive or insightful to someone that doesn't understand this emotional game.

It is rude and intrusive to tell people what they are feeling. How can anyone know? some people are shy, some people hide their feelings, some people project different emotions from the ones that they feel and often people do project their feelings, thoughts and emotions on to other people. So they are not talking to the person that they about their feelings - but they are projecting their feelings on to another person and then talk about "their" feelings whilst painting another person with them which is actually a sophisticated dump.

 

[ms spock]

I got the sense that I'm a threat to her. She hates me.

I remember you mentioning this woman before. She probably doesn't hate you as a person because she sounds pretty narcissistic to me - but you do threaten her because you don't toe her line.

Keep away from her as much as possible and if she tells you how you feel have a series of lines ready to deflect her like "Do you want a mirror?" "I don't buy that type of stuff!" or "Peddle that rubbish with someone gullible please, not me." "Ah yes, you are so insightful." "It's okay I have already read a fortune cookie today!"

Do you have psychologist or a psychriatrist to work out strategies with this woman. She sounds a bit dangerous to me - in terms of being manipulative.

Don't pay any attention to her.

I would suggest that each and every comment she makes document it so if she makes another move against you, you have the pattern of harrassment/meaness/stupid comments to show. Don't give her anymore attention that just documenting her silly comments.

 

[Philippa]

That's exactly right.

I think she was trying to put me off my game and send me away. She offered me the number of another job making out like she didn't think I would survive in this one, and that she was 'helping' me, but I really got the sense that she felt threatened by me after I told her to 'get over it' about the room. The boss texted me the very next morning warning me and telling me that a condom was found in the room...which I know for a fact this woman was the one who told her.

I did tell the last woman who did this to me to back off in no uncertain terms and to never ever impose herself on me in this way again. She got the message. With this woman, when she said that my "energy was depressed, and it was affecting her" (not only am I depressed, but I'm ruining her happy day as well) I said that I felt ok and that I was happy working here and wasn't looking to work anywhere else. She didn't bring it up again, but she did try and get me fired for stepping on her turf. No one ever takes her room...they are too scared to, and now i know why. She plays dirty.