I'll go first. Please note: this is a vent, a rant, and I am not looking for advice or comfort.
You said the word "commitment" and got us rings, and then you got triggered a few weeks later by my husband getting upset and arguing with me in your living room. And now you blame me for HIS being upset, and don't wear your ring anymore.
I wear that ring because I am committed to you, no matter what. That's what commitment is about. But now that ring, and the fact that you don't wear it, is just one more thing you're using to make me sad. Yeah, maybe that's not why you don't wear it, but for f*ck's sake, if you're going to be committed, then be committed.
I thought you were dying, and so did you, a few weeks ago when you had the flu. I thought you might be dying again a few days ago, but it was food poisoning. I know better than to ask how much you drank that night. Don't you see how this is tearing me apart? You're only 42. I need you, and you are going to leave me. You are going to die slowly, painfully, or maybe suddenly, maybe from liver failure, maybe you'll put that gun to your head, but you would rather leave me than try to heal.
So you had therapy long ago, your parents sent you because you were incorrigible and because you couldn't sit in a classroom, and someone said maybe you were autistic. So that means all therapy sucks. Hey, it doesn't matter how much cough medicine you take, if the problem is an infection then you're not going to get better. You had ptsd as a child, not autism. You had the wrong diagnosis and the wrong approach. And the wrong parents.
Now I've shown you that there is a therapy that's effective for ptsd, even complex ptsd like you have. You say it's bullshit and a scam. Do you still think that, now that I've gone through it myself and it HELPED ME? You won't believe anything I tell you. I had gastroenteritis for two months, and so did my kid, and you think I diagnosed myself off Web MD. No, you idiot, I went to the doctor, and I took my kid there too. I told you there's an antibiotic treatment for periodontal disease, and you automatically think that's bullshit too. I sent you the link, but I expect you're still sending all my emails to your spam folder. So f*ck you and all your teeth, go ahead and get them removed if you won't pay attention.
From little things to big things, from items in the news like how Bill Clinton is a vegan and lost a bunch of weight, to something that could change your miserable life and heal some of that pain that you've been carrying around as long as you can remember, nothing I say counts and nothing I say could be true. No, I'm obsessive and controlling and crazy -- and you think I'm crazy because you think that every once in a while, out of the blue, I do something horrible to hurt you. Hello, when you call me and the call doesn't go through and I don't pick up, that's not me avoiding your call, it's a technical difficulty, not a personal attack. IT'S YOUR PTSD and you refuse to acknowledge that.
By the way, I actually remember things, unlike you, and my mind is clear, and I'm actually pretty smart, in fact I got an advanced degree from an Ivy League university and did original research in my subject. I'm not the person who bought a fake iPod from some guy on Hollywood Blvd. That would be you. When I do research, I look at things very, very carefully and very thoroughly. So if I say that millions of people have been helped by EMDR, I am NOT talking about Scientology. (Which, who knows, maybe they use EMDR too, but I don't give a shit about them.)
I know all the reasons why you haven't instantly said YES MAKE ME AN APPOINTMENT. You had bad therapy long ago, therefore all therapy is bad. EMDR is a scam. You don't trust anyone in this world, not even me. How could you trust a therapist, a stranger? You don't know what you'd be like or who you would be if you didn't have ptsd, since you've never known a time you didn't have it. And your horrific experiences, especially your combat experiences, have shaped you in ways that you don't want to give up. You don't want that understanding of the world disappeared. Oh and I'm sure you assume it would be expensive. (It wouldn't. It would be free. I found you a free therapist.)
You are so attached to your f*cking pain. Yes, you've survived all this time. I am impressed. I probably couldn't have done it. But now you'd rather die than find a way forward? Suicide is the most selfish act. And you're a selfish bastard. I hate not knowing the end of this story. I'm not holding my breath for a happy ending. I love you, and I'm going to stick with you as well as I can, even though it's tearing me apart. I'm sure you don't have the mental space to appreciate it.
I know that you love me. I know you know I'm smart. Why won't you f*cking listen to me?
