Growing up I was obsessed with Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights. Mr. Rochester and Heathcliff ruined normal men for me. I admit, I fall for the dark, brooding loner.
So, here I am three years into a relationship with a handsome, world traveled man who is desperately in love with me. He's dark and brooding alright. He's a combat veteran with PTSD.
A brief history of our relationship...
We met at a music event during which we were both performing. Our beginning was deeply passionate and romantic, but I started to notice that he had some quirks.
A year into the relationship, he disclosed that he suspected that he suffered from PTSD related to his service as a combat veteran in the Gulf War. It was really hard for him to tell me and it was apparently the first time he had disclosed that to anyone. At this point in the relationship, I was deeply in love with him, and considered it an act of intimacy that he would open up and confide in me. I immediately learned everything I could about PTSD, and convinced him to apply for benefits and to start seeing a therapist at the VA.
At this time, intimacy in our relationship started to deteriorate. He stopped kissing me passionately, and sex, while still good, became sporadic. I reasoned that it was due to the stress of finally addressing his past and going through the disability claims process, so I was patient and understanding.
Throughout the relationship, he has had bouts of overreacting anger (generally not directed at me). However, he is not able to resolve conflicts easily. I never yell, and it has been very hard to stay calm and patient with him because he raises his voice immediately and gets defensive at times. This happens maybe 5-6 times a year. He also says some hurtful things that he doesn't always take back later. With ANY OTHER GUY, I would have shown him the door. But there is this thing that happens during those moments where I literally disconnect from him and do not take it personally (at times that is hard) because it just feels like it is "not him."
Nine months after applying for benefits, he was awarded full disability by the VA. I (unrealistically) thought that this would change things dramatically. We are sort of on "coasting" mode right now.
I feel as if I have really been there for this man. And he will admit that too. He tells me that he loves me constantly, and when he has episodes, he'll break down and say that I should just go find a normal nice guy. But I don't want that. I want my dashing adventurer. But I also want him FIXED.
He does not appear to be doing too terribly much to work on himself these days, and that concerns me. We do not live together, but plan to in the next year. I won't move in with him if things are the way they are now. He needs to reign in the way he talks to me sometimes. He also needs to take better care of his psyche and physical well-being. This is a two-way street and I am a desirable woman who deserves to be cherished and nurtured by her guy sometimes.
Right now I am seeing him less (claiming work overload). I know I should probably be truthful with him, but I don't want to sound like a nag, and honestly, I don't think I should have to always be the one nudging him toward a happier life. I'm afraid that he is getting complacent and he needs to know that complacency is not something I'm signing up for. I think he could be perfectly happy with what we have right now. He can keep withholding intimacy so that he doesn't have to feel vulnerable with me and I'll put up with it like I've been doing. Not gonna happen.
I'd like to hear from anyone out there who has had similar experiences. Did your loved one ever get better? How?
From what I've written here, in the world of PTSD, does this sound like a relationship that has a chance of working?
Lastly, thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to even read this. Guess I really needed to get it out!
R.
So, here I am three years into a relationship with a handsome, world traveled man who is desperately in love with me. He's dark and brooding alright. He's a combat veteran with PTSD.
A brief history of our relationship...
We met at a music event during which we were both performing. Our beginning was deeply passionate and romantic, but I started to notice that he had some quirks.
A year into the relationship, he disclosed that he suspected that he suffered from PTSD related to his service as a combat veteran in the Gulf War. It was really hard for him to tell me and it was apparently the first time he had disclosed that to anyone. At this point in the relationship, I was deeply in love with him, and considered it an act of intimacy that he would open up and confide in me. I immediately learned everything I could about PTSD, and convinced him to apply for benefits and to start seeing a therapist at the VA.
At this time, intimacy in our relationship started to deteriorate. He stopped kissing me passionately, and sex, while still good, became sporadic. I reasoned that it was due to the stress of finally addressing his past and going through the disability claims process, so I was patient and understanding.
Throughout the relationship, he has had bouts of overreacting anger (generally not directed at me). However, he is not able to resolve conflicts easily. I never yell, and it has been very hard to stay calm and patient with him because he raises his voice immediately and gets defensive at times. This happens maybe 5-6 times a year. He also says some hurtful things that he doesn't always take back later. With ANY OTHER GUY, I would have shown him the door. But there is this thing that happens during those moments where I literally disconnect from him and do not take it personally (at times that is hard) because it just feels like it is "not him."
Nine months after applying for benefits, he was awarded full disability by the VA. I (unrealistically) thought that this would change things dramatically. We are sort of on "coasting" mode right now.
I feel as if I have really been there for this man. And he will admit that too. He tells me that he loves me constantly, and when he has episodes, he'll break down and say that I should just go find a normal nice guy. But I don't want that. I want my dashing adventurer. But I also want him FIXED.
He does not appear to be doing too terribly much to work on himself these days, and that concerns me. We do not live together, but plan to in the next year. I won't move in with him if things are the way they are now. He needs to reign in the way he talks to me sometimes. He also needs to take better care of his psyche and physical well-being. This is a two-way street and I am a desirable woman who deserves to be cherished and nurtured by her guy sometimes.
Right now I am seeing him less (claiming work overload). I know I should probably be truthful with him, but I don't want to sound like a nag, and honestly, I don't think I should have to always be the one nudging him toward a happier life. I'm afraid that he is getting complacent and he needs to know that complacency is not something I'm signing up for. I think he could be perfectly happy with what we have right now. He can keep withholding intimacy so that he doesn't have to feel vulnerable with me and I'll put up with it like I've been doing. Not gonna happen.
I'd like to hear from anyone out there who has had similar experiences. Did your loved one ever get better? How?
From what I've written here, in the world of PTSD, does this sound like a relationship that has a chance of working?
Lastly, thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to even read this. Guess I really needed to get it out!
R.
