Inside Our Heads - What's Going On In The Therapy Room

[watundah]

So this is how I am feeling about therapy (this week) and appreciate your feedback. I've had a hard time opening up but have made huge progress over the last few weeks. Why, I am not sure, but apparently she's managing to scale the invisible wall of trust. Now I feel vulnerable in that I'm letting this person tromp around inside of me, into the nitty gritty core stuff that I do not share. Not sure how I like that because this is a professional relationship, not a friendship, based on the $$, with an eventual end. Does anyone else feel this way? (I understand that 'ultimately' I will reach a point where therapy is no longer needed (in theory) and can move on in a healthy way...but part of me says "hmmmm...")

I am also working out with a personal trainer, and have the same feelings. I really like this guy (ha - he used to be a counselor, too), spend two hours a week working out with him, and we talk. A lot. About everything. Again, feeling like it's going to be hard to end the relationship, but it is a "business" relationship.

It's kind of an odd place to be. I do have friends and a long term relationship in the 'real' world, so it's not loneliness. Perhaps it's the fact that they're there 100% for me, feeding my needs and are taking up a bit of real estate in my psyche; I am letting down the almighty guard.

Does anyone get what I'm saying and have any suggestions? I am the queen of logic and see the rational side of it. Application, however, is contradictory.

 

[piratelady]

I do have friends and a ltr in the 'real' world, so it's not loneliness.

What is 'ltr'?

 

[watundah]

Long term relationship.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you for the clarification. Going forward, please try not to use text-speak and acronyms. Not everyone knows what they mean. I edited your post above to write it out.

 

[watundah]

Mmmmk

 

[fyredrift23]

apparently she's managing to scale the invisible wall of trust. Now I feel vulnerable in that I'm letting this person tromp around inside of me, into the nitty gritty core stuff that I do not share. Not sure how I like that because this is a professional relationship, not a friendship, based on the $$, with an eventual end. Does anyone else feel this way?

@watundah: I do understand what you mean (I think!). I've been meeting with my "T" for about a year and a half, and our relationship has changed tremendously over that time. At first, it was really tough for me to trust him. Like, he's a sweet, gentle soul, don't get me wrong, but I remember feeling like despite my electric fences, rottweilers & pitbulls, mines, and moat, he had somehow made his way inside my castle.

I likened it to my "castle" being pitch black, with a hidden flashlight and map somewhere inside, and I was not going to help him find either. Again, I remember being like, "...WTF?? :eek:...How did he find them?? The hell is with this guy" :arghh; He was so doggone determined, and, for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why. Then, I would be like "Well, of course he's trying hard. He's being paid :facepalm:"

He was swiftly approaching me, getting closer and closer with each weekly session. I, on the other hand, was t-e-r-r-i-f-i-e-d. All the other "relationships" I had in my life were formed over the course of years, not hours. And no one was being compensated for their time. I remember he had used the word "relationship" in session, and I told him (eventually) that I didn't think what we had constituted a relationship beyond the basic meaning of the word. I said I felt like this was pretend, or that he was just an idealistic version of someone I'd be in a relationship with. It was nothing to be taken seriously, in my book.

However, over time (like, months) I came to change my ways, so to speak, lol. I grew to trust him, largely because he became a constant fixture in my life, and, at that time, I felt so unstable it was ridiculous. I could always count on meeting with him once (and more recently, twice) a week. He always tells me to call him or email him anytime, despite the fact that he has a wife and baby! He never wants me to feel like a burden or like I'm wasting his time with my, many, many problems lol. Even though I know this "(genuine) relationship" will end one day, and despite knowing he is providing a service for me, it's as if some part(s) of me really need(s) that bond. I think you mentioned that in your post too, wondering if there were things out of your experiences with your "T" that you needed now and greatly appreciated.

I, too, have substantial relationships with friends and family members, but I decided there wasn't anything wrong with me adding my therapist to the mix ;)

 

[Abstract]

Mmm

Sorry Watundah, I don't understand.

 

[fyredrift23]

Sorry Watundah, I don't understand.

Watundah was just responding to piratelady's post (re: not using abbreviations in posts) :)

 

[watundah]

Thanks, fyredrift23, that is a color description close to how I'm feeling. I kid with my partner about how she keeps chinking away at my walls. That, alone, is huge to me...and I'm happy to see that I'm *finally* letting that happen. I'm seeing myself finally start to talk about things. What a concept!!

 

[fyredrift23]

Aww :x3: I'm happy I was able to help! That's awesome about you and your partner. I'm glad you are letting her get closer, and I'm glad she's so persistent! lol

Finally starting to break free from those chains is, indeed, quite liberating. I'm proud of you and your courage and hard work. Keep it up :tup:

 

[watundah]

Thanks. I do appreciate your response. After 18 years I'm going to give her the details of what I went through. A warm up run for therapy.

 

[Delta62]

I can say that interactions with my therapist have helped me focus on what I think and how I view the world as a whole. The challenging part is viewing the situation I am in as a positive one instead of a threatening one, hence opening up to others. A handshake, hug, smile, or other types of body language help me realize I am safe. When you mention healthy way, to me makes me think of self-actualization. Overall, I understand what your saying. One suggestion I may have is try watching your body language, focus on another persons when you talk to them, and focus on what you say. It's easier said than done at times, but it helps "relate". Hopefully what I am trying to say makes sense to you. Good luck and thank you for sharing.