Relationships And Intimacy

[Annicus]

When it comes to my relationships it feels like I have a dragon inside my mind. I know that the ones close to me are here yet I push then away anyway then get mad when they don't want anything to do with me. I do this knowing it's stupid and not conclusive to healing.

I'm having some dark days after I found out that I have to go back to more doctors appointments, I've been stressed at work, we (my wife and I) are moving into a new place.

So basically I've pushed so hard and now that I need people to be by my side it's hard for them.

I would imagine it could be hard to deal with me at these times where I'm numb.


I'm angry that it seems like the ones close to me don't realize what it's like, I don't want sympathy, to be fixed, or to be felt sorry for. It just feels like my relationship is suffering and it's hard to deal with emotionally at this time of added stress.

I know it's selfish of me to "distance" myself but I know it's needed for a few days. It's been hard for me to be intimate with my wife and I know that's hard on her yet I still do it.

A couple of months ago I found out she had an emotional affair on me and it happened to be around the anniversary of my attack and it made me feel worthless.
It's been hard to open up to her lately I feel betrayed by her. I knew it was due to my emotional numbness and now I am even more emotional numb about it.

I sometimes feel like I purposely destroy relationships. As crazy as it I know it is.

 

[AndieElle]

I sometimes feel like I purposely destroy relationships. As crazy as it I know it is.

I know what you mean...I feel like I do the same thing.
Thank you for sharing that. I have no idea how to express that myself...and it doesn't sound crazy at all.

 

[Annicus]

My wife says she will be there for me but ever since I expressed the difficulty for me to be intimate, it feels like I messed up. I shouldn't of said that its making her feel its because I'm not attracted to her, I'm not in love with her.

That is not the case I'm just hurting am I wrong for being distant when she had an emotional affair on me? Especially when it happened on the anniversary of my attack?

I know I need a therapist but being the only one working and barely handling that job as it is. I cannot afford anything even on sliding scale. I do not drive neither does my wife so transportation is a problem as well.

I feel like I'm being selfish but then part if me feels very betrayed by my wife's actions,making me feel it wasn't supportive.

Now she won't even let me hug her, she's sleeping on the couch, won't let me see her naked, won't touch me because she says "That's intimate, you have a hard time with it so its over."

So am I a jerk for feeling she is at least a little at fault or am I just over reacting?

 

[Dennis # 121]

I have the same situation, My wife will work with men and the lil monsters inside tells me shes having an affair. I know it isn't true, I cannot control my thoughts, and I confront her. It gets so damn heated on my end, I then black out and can't remember a thing. She finally had enough and walked out. I'm the only one to blame here. I hate myself, I hate the way I feel. I just want to be better and hopefully back with my wife.