First Time Serious Suicidal Thinking.

[GreenFrog2]

write a letter to each one that invalidated me.

I have done this so many times - never sent them because it's too risky - but I have written and written and thought and thought - around in circles. I need someone to help me to stop the circles and have this breakthrough. So many people tell me this (here and in PM and chat's) but I now think that I don't know what they mean!

I don't have a therapist for guidance and need someone to help me to see where I am going!

 

[winterose]

I am feeling all of this right now - and contact with my dad has made this so much worse.

That is a trigger. Maybe the trigger is telling you to step back and really look at if it's worth your mental health.


Why do you have to deal with your family? You say in so many ways they hurt you, didn't protect.....this is a powerful realization. To understand where you have been hurt. Taking it to the next level on learning to take care of yourself is harder.

All in all I see you're spinning as you are out growing the box you been in. You are questioning and now your brain wants better and more answers then before. Usually when we hurt the most is when we have to take an action that we been putting off. Making changes we need to make etc. That is what I am seeing. I see a woman who is looking to change things.

I was saying the same things 5 months ago. With therapy now I am seeing it was me who had to give myself a break. And start doing things differently. When I go back to when I was writing things down, I see now how strong it was to even admit to so much. I see this in you.

 

[GreenFrog2]

I take it you mean that being in contact with my dad is the trigger? That this is bringing back all of the memories and magnifying all of the feelings and thoughts?

I want to deal with my family - I have wanted to address so many issues with them for so long. I want me and my brothers to have good relationships, that is to be able to talk, and share what is going on in our lives now. I am not so sure about my dad, but I expect that I will have to have some kind of relationship with him if I am to be able to have anything with my brothers. But I don;t know for sure yet - it is still early days yet and I don;t know how this will all pan out.

I have been trying to take care of myself for so long, but after my adult trauma things have not been good for many years. I think that being in touch with family and trying to have a "family" is a part of looking after myself. The small amount of love and reassurance that I have gotten from my cousins, aunt and uncle has helped so much - I feel like I belong somewhere, it has helped me to ground myself. I don;t expect that we are going to all of a sudden be close and super supportive, but I do think that there can be some healthy contact between us.

And YES, I do want to change things!!! In all aspects of my life: within myself and how I think / with work / finances / friends / finding a partner / hobbies and family. I need to have a complete change everywhere and have a rough plan of making these things happen - or be works in progress by the end of the year.

I have known for a long time that I needed space between me and my dad - he needed to deal with his own problems before he and I were ever going to have a healthy relationship. I let this separation go on for far to long, and then I did not know how to "fix" it.Then along came more trauma for me, and now I feel that I am totally broken.

I am doing everything that I can to give myself a break, but am in circumstances that make this extremely difficult. But I am sticking with it - hoping that by doing things differently I will end up in a healthy and happy place. I was hurting so much about my family stuff that the pain helped to motivate me to get in touch with them again. I no longer feel the terrible grief and shame - there is still some, but it is not as bad as it was.

Unfortunately I have to deal with so many other things at the same time that the pain from each impacts on the the pain from the others - no matter what aspect of my life I am living in / doing there is pain and hurt and fear. I want it all to stop.

All in all I see you're spinning as you are out growing the box you been in.

Yes I am spinning all over the place!!!!! And yes I want better and more answers than before - but I can't find them. I look and think and read and write and go around in circles.......

What can I do to be still and quite so that the breakthroughs can happen? So that I can make good changes? So that I can be well?

 

[Whitneys story]

GF, I feel the hardest part for all of us is the hope and expectation that a lifetime of trauma can be processed in a short amount of time.

The harder we work, more unknown feelings surface. And as you say you go around in circles. The comment you made about being angry is totally understandable.

Writing it in your journal and leaving it there? JMHO, this is not processing the pain and anger it is more like setting it aside. Or holding back. The article on the home page is very beneficial "Emptying the Cup".

Breakthroughs are generally when many past issues arise, the pieces of the puzzle become clearer. There is a big difference in screaming vs screaming the pain, invalidation; abuse you have been subjected too.

You did not ask for any of this. I know financial devastation and the fear surrounding is very hard to process. With only yourself to rely on, you are doing the right thing in making this a priority. And you are much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.

The one question I would ask yourself "am I truly ready for this family reconnection? Will it help me heal"? What is the urgency? Is it possible that reconnecting is more stressful at this time? Sorry that was more than one question. I just hear a lot of tension with reconnecting.

These are the emotions I picked from reading your post. I am not a professional. Please keep posting and asking questions. Between your many friends and forum family, we are sure to find the lightbulb moment. You deserve peace! Behemoth Hugs, Whitney :tup:

 

[amcen]

Hello GreenFrog, sometimes we can't help giving you "hints" as if we knew what you should do, because we all know so well here the pain you are going through and we would so much like you to feel better. But of course, these hints can't really work, because we are not you. Only you can make and build the right "mixture" that will work for you, step by step, with a lot of patience. And many of us will probably follow your evolvement, because you are so helpful for us too by trustfully showing us your own blossoming... well I know it doesn't look like a blossoming yet, to you!

I don't have a therapist for guidance and need someone to help me to see where I am going!

Just read back up to your first posts, the way you write now is so different and more positive! While it was ALL dark and negative and lost at first (and it was frightening), I see now in your posts two persons in one. One is completely lost and in total pain, going in circles, while the other talks about improvement! For example:

I no longer feel the terrible grief and shame - there is still some, but it is not as bad as it was.

What an incredible improvement, in a so short time! Would you expect to feel just wonderful and jumping of joy from day to night after only a few days?

You want to see where you are going? According to me, you are going toward healing! YES, you are afraid that when you feel better some new terrible things will put you down again. YES you are scared, you feel so bad and lost. But NOW, you got a new job, and you could at last have glimpses of nice and so helpful moments in your past, as you said:

The small amount of love and reassurance that I have gotten from my cousins, aunt and uncle has helped so much

GreenFrog, before I met my wife, the ONLY person in my life that had given me some true physical tenderness and showed me unconditional love that I was desperately craving for, was one of my grandmums while I was a child. I understood only lately, without any doubt, that SHE saved my life 38 years in advance when I was going to suicide last year, because thanks to her I unconsciously knew what was true love! I said "unconsciously" because at that time I did not remember her cuddles and beautiful staring full of love, I recovered this memory at the same time as some parts of my abuses. How amazing is the mind!

So short moments can make a so huge difference, and it is obvious to me that you are having the courage to look for these tiny helpful moments and to use them to build yourself again. Not everyone has that courage, I think.

 

[winterose]

What can I do to be still and quite so that the breakthroughs can happen? So that I can make good changes? So that I can be well?

The only way I know is to go through the pain. I saw earlier you said you didn't have a therapist. I think it's important for you to find one. A good one can help you sort this all out in more manageable pieces while helping you build up inner structures to help "tolerate" the pains and confusions better. As Whitney and amcen said, there is not one answer to get there. And I still stand by you are about to come to realizations of the clarity you want so badly right now. I had a therapist tell me a longtime ago crisis is another word for change. Hang in there GreenFrog. :)

 

[nimkekaa]

I feel the hardest part for all of us is the hope and expectation that a lifetime of trauma can be processed in a short amount of time.

I totally agree with this. I have seen so many people who feel that they have failed because they can't heal in months what was forced on them for years. I personally have struggled with why I can't just get over it all but I am coming to realize that years of abuse needs time to heal. I am seeing some progress and that is helpful, but acknowledging every little bit of progress in the beginning is so important although so hard to do.

 

[Tinyflame]

Nimkekaa, I can't thank you enough for your words. They mean so much. And are so kind, too. :hug:

GF2, it takes time to make sense of things, it can't be rushed it seems. ((((((((GreenFrog2)))))))))).

 

[GreenFrog2]

Thanks for your comments Whitney - I appreciate what you have said, although feeling a bit defensive and very sensitive as well :banghead:

this is not processing the pain and anger it is more like setting it aside

My journal writing does help me to process - I use a technique much the same as the one on the forum's intro page (which I have had and used for a long time). It allows me to address by thoughts / feelings their origins and to analyse these so that I can see which are warped thinking and to use CBT to address this and think about things more clearly. My journal is also a place where I can let out my emotions - just vent if I need to. It allows me to process all the hurts that craziness that has happened to me. It is also a great place for me to plan how I will think and act in the future. Sometimes I do just set things aside - but come back to them later - when I have the time and energy to probe into myself and address these things.

big difference in screaming vs screaming the pain, invalidation; abuse you have been subjected too.

Oh, I defiantly scream the pain and injustice of it all!

With only yourself to rely on, you are doing the right thing in making this a priority.

Thanks you. Some people seem to think that I should focus on healing only - which would leave me homeless in no time at all.

am I truly ready for this family re connection?

If it is healthy then yes. If it ends up being manipulative, then no. Now that it has started, I am going to let it progress and see where it ends up.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Thanks amcen!!!!

Only you can make and build the right "mixture" that will work for you

I know - but going through this alone the "hints" can be very helpful for me - they help me to see things about myself and to focus on what is most important for me in the now. I don't expect some magical answer, but sometimes the comments from others help me to put things into perspective - yours especially.

Would you expect to feel just wonderful and jumping of joy from day to night after only a few days?

No :) But I would like to feel good some of the time!

Mostly I don't want to feel so alone and talking to people here helps me to feel connected to the world and to my healing process.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Thanks to you to winterose:

I saw earlier you said you didn't have a therapist. I think it's important for you to find one

This is not an option for me - they caused my adult trauma and no way that I could trust one now.

there is not one answer to get there.

I understand this. What I am looking for is things that work for others - different answers so that I can think about options and better consider things about myself and how to heal.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Hi nimkekaa!

I have seen so many people who feel that they have failed because they can't heal in months what was forced on them for years.

Thanks for this comment - some days I do feel down on myself for not being "well", but then I remember the years of abuse and just go back to processing what has happened one event at a time. I have gotten pretty good at recognizing that I am making some progress, and I understand now that I will always have these memories. The best thing is that I can use techniques which I have developed to deal with them.

For example I had some thoughts yesterday about my first experience of working, which were not very nice! I went to my journal and wrote down what had happened and then processed it using CBT - the rest was that while my reaction at the time was unhealthy, this was due to my age and inexperience. I now know better ways to respond to those sorts of people, and usually use them. What I liked most about going over that incident was being able to see it all clearly and stay with the memory while I processed it. In the past I would not have been able to do that, but no I can. This means that today when I think about it I stay calm. Why? because I know that I was a child then (12) and my reaction (of getting upset) was normal for that age.

Another good thing about it that I have just seen as a good thing is that even then I understood that I was being treated badly - just didn't know how to cope with it. This has reinforced for me that my understanding was good, but my reaction not so good - but I don;t have to react like that anymore. Now as an adult I can speak to my employers when things are not going well and come to some understanding about how things can be managed in a better way. I also know that I have the skills to do this successfully!!!!

The hard part it going to be implementing my skills in the current time, when I am so tired and generally pretty emotional due to everything that is going on in my life.