I have been where you are, so I understand the emotions. But all the distress is what's in your own head right now, and so is the ability to consider that there might be other ways to see it, and find relief from the mental torture you are putting yourself through.
I agree, absolutely, but I want to start somewhere else.
Oy, even I feel uncomfortable reading this thread. I too run around in stupid circles, get my knickers in a knot no matter what my therapist does (did, actually, seeing that I am also 'taking a break' from therapy). I know how stupid my actions are, I know how over sensitive I am, I know how exasperating my therapist must find me at times. But that is exactly what I am trying to deal with, that is exactly the reason I am in therapy. If I did not do these things, I wouldn't even consider therapy.
TP, forgive me if I'm patronizing and fighting your battles for you, and especially for perhaps misrepresenting you. For all I know you don't identify with my AT ALL. But I do think the tone of the responses have been a bit harsh. The voice of reason, yes. The sober, rational, adult response, yes. But harsh nonetheless. And possibly unfair.
And the reason for thinking it is unfair is that this type of behavior is symptomatic of complex PTSD / or developmental order deficit / early relational trauma - whatever the powers that be will call it once they have figured it all out. And this is part of the problem; it is a fairly new area of research. And we have to remember that even though we are all on this forum under the PTSD label, our coordinates on this map are not identical - each one of us not only has a different coordinate, but these coordinates are determined by exactly where many unique things intersect.
TP, I consider myself (and people who know me would fully agree) to be a highly cerebral person, and rational, reasonable and fair. I can see a situation from multiple perspectives. I'm also highly compassionate.
That is, until I am in therapy - then all of those things simply scatter. The complex trauma researchers and writers describe this process very well, and I suggest you read more about it. Look at Christine Courtois and Kathy Steele especially. Perhaps I'm wrong, but what you describe comes across as what they would call 'Phobia of attachment'. They also describe the 'dance' between the therapist and the client. They talk about 'kaleidoscopic shifts'. Judith Herman says that for the complex trauma (she coined the term) client, 'there is no room for human error'. Reading the literature on the subject saved my sanity (you may disagree :oops:) for it explained my irrational behavior to me. And it is THIS behaviour that both drives me into therapy, and out the door again. :eek::mad::x3:
For a while, when my 7 yo daughter didn't like a boundary, such as no sweets before meals, she shouted 'I hate you!!'. At times it annoyed me, yet I consistently responded with something like 'That's okay, and I will always love you more than anything in the whole wide world'. Arguing with her about how the rule is there for her own good .. blah blah blah would have been counterproductive. She has now dropped the 'I hate you' line.
Some of us go into therapy not to deal with trauma directly, and to get insight, or tools, or these cerebral things. We go to heal irrational, insane, nonsensical, stupid, mortifyingly embarrassing childlike behavior and emotions that show nothing less than arrested development - the things I call - referring to myself - potty training trauma - as it is early, messy and developmental. And this is exactly where the therapist needs to meet us. And mine DID. And this brings me to the therapist's orientation. No CBT for me - it would drive me to drink - and this thread has been very CBT. My therapist was psychodynamic, with a Self-Psychology something. I do honestly think that mine was not experienced enough, and dropped the ball ultimately, but the approach worked for me. And it is a self psychology therapist I will look for in future, but one older and stronger who will be able to deal with all my 'I hate you' embarrassing, stupid and counter productive tantrums. For that is where I am somehow broken.
Last year I had a flatmate - a person I'd known for a long time, but not well enough. After only three weeks she held me hostage and threatened to kill me. I had to be very calculating in finding the exact moment to phone the police. She was arrested on charges of assault, appeared in court and was sentenced. Afterwards Victim Support contacted me and asked if I wanted to see a trauma counselor. Hell, no, I was relieved to be rid of the crazy-ass, I felt heroic, and not traumatized at all, thank you very much. But let my therapist flutter at the wrong moment and I am a wreck.
One last thing: my previous landlady was a clinical psychologist, and bat-shit crazy. I looked at her clients arriving and leaving and I wondered if they idealized her in the same way that idealized my therapist. And that of course made me wonder if my therapist was as sane outside of therapy as she appeared to be inside the room with me. Not all of them are professionals who always act in the best interests of the client.
TP I apologize if this was all about me and if there is nothing you can relate to, and I apologize if you did not want me to stick my neck out for you. But I do think you will find something to relate to. Let me tell you why: The title of your thread contains the kind of 'I hate you ' message I get from my daughter and the kind of message I sent my therapist as well. It says 'Get off my case', while you want him to be on your case about the break; and you are angry with him for not being on your case about it. There is nothing wrong with not making any freaking sense when this is the type of thing you are in therapy to deal with in the first place. But I do think you need to start identifying exactly what it is you are upset about - no matter how nonsensical or embarrassing it might be. That is where the healing starts.
Okay, enough.
