I Dont Need You, So Get Off My Case!

[tphillips117]

Noah,

I'm not sure. I'm headed there on Wed, because he basically told me to come in or quit. So if I'm going to quit, I'm going to tell him to his face, because that feels like the right thing to do. We shall see.

 

[Chosen]

In response:

1. I don't think he's being inflexible, but trying to be as ethical as he can be. I think he's being considerate of what might be going on, yet leaving the choice completely up to you.

2. I highly, highly, highly doubt that's his sole motivation.

3. Are you sure he's putting pressure on you? With my T, he always thought I was angry at him when I looked down at the ground, and he was constantly saying to me that I needed to express my anger, which I was confused because I usually did if I was angry at him! Finally, I explained to him how I felt shame with him and I would look at the ground, and he said "oh! I thought that meant you were angry at me." So we worked that out. So maybe what you feel as pressure is something completely else?

 

[tphillips117]

Oh yeah, he puts pressure on me--on purpose...despite my continued protests! He's a bit of an old stiff. ;)

 

[Pencil]

he puts pressure on me

When someone sends me a wedding invitation I don't see it as pressure to attend.

Your therapist gives you one of the only two choices that any therapist has with any client: You make and appointment and go in for a session, or you don't. There is no third option. Nothing in-between like Harry Potter's platform. No third option. Your choice.

This thread is really helping me to see what a saint my therapist is. And it is really helping me to see how I subversive I am of my own progress.

 

[tphillips117]

Pencil, you don't? Because I do. Same with a baby shower invitiation. I feel obligated because I was invited--I think most people do.

Yes, the therapist gives you two options. But it's not up to the therapist to dictate the frequency of sessions. It's not ethical for him to say "Come to therapy when I want you to, or quit coming to see me" That's not how it works. I'm paying for this service! If I want to sit there and talk about how I've been thinking about green snot for a week, then I should be able to do that. It's MY time! He's a captive audience, and he has power in this too. He ALWAYS has the option to refer!

 

[Pencil]

Pencil, you don't? Because I do. Same with a baby shower invitiation. I feel obligated because I was invited--I think most people do.

No, TP, I honestly don't feel pressurized. On the contrary, I feel honored, and wanted. I am grateful for an invitation. And when I don't want to attend I RSVP accordingly with no feelings of regret or guilt.

And yes, one can talk about anything in therapy, but it makes economic sense, seeing that you pay for the service, to talk about the things that really matter.

And this is another thing I realized about my therapist today. I'm taking an extended break mainly because I can't afford therapy at the moment, but also because we had an issue that needed to be resolved. And I was very, very fortunate that she spent time and energy (which I had no right to as I was not paying her for it), to resolve this issue with me via email. Furthermore, my therapist is under no obligation to send me emails to act as 'transitional objects' until I get my finances in order. She's under no obligation to accept me back the day I can afford it again. She is under no obligation to listen to me talking about green snot, no matter how much I offer to pay her for that hour. You're right, she always has the option to refer, but she also has the option to terminate. But you are wrong in thinking that a therapist is a captive audience.

 

[tphillips117]

Of course they are! You are paying them for thier time! It's your time! Who cares if it helps you or not. You want to waste your money, than go for it. What do they care?

Just because you go to the dentist to get your teeth whitened doesnt mean you'll suddenly be a supermodel. But you paid for it...the dentist has to preform the service, regardless of outcome...or say, sorry you ugly dog, here's your money back--now beat it!

 

[Pencil]

You are right about one thing - it is THEIR time. And these hours add up to a career, and everyone wants to experience job satisfaction as well as success, and so for them, as for the rest of the population, it involves far more than being paid by the hour. Some of them are loons, but the majority really are skilled professionals, and all of them spent many years to acquire the knowledge and skills to help us if we will allow them. AND, it is not only their time, and not only their skills, but also, in the case of good therapists, their dedication we are paying for. And their basic humanness.

I am a teacher by profession. I derived enormous satisfaction from students who were interested in the subject and applied themselves. I had little patience with those who had the ability but a negative attitude. The students in my class (the last institution was private, and so all income and expenses were derived from tuition) paid my salary, and yet there were a few I wanted to chuck out. Do you think those students (not many, thank God) who sat in the classroom with an attitude of 'My parents are paying for this, so I can f*ck up any way I want' made sense? Do you think they were their own best friends? Do you think they had bright futures? Do you think they would amount to much in life? Do you think they were happy with themselves? More importantly, do you think they were really, really enjoying the process? Of course they were absolutely right in thinking that they / their parents were paying for it and it was their basic human right to fail if they so chose. There was not a thing in the world I could do about it. Neither did I want to.

Anyway, I've got work to do, and I think that this thread has helped me enormously, and it is time to move on.

Good luck TP, I hope this stand-off between you and your therapist leads to something positive.

 

[tphillips117]

Thanks Pencil. There is no stand off here. I was just making the point that there lies a certain obligation on the part of the therapist to be responsive, responsible and a level of obligation to the client.

I am not responsible for the my therapists level of satisfation with his job. If he had a problem with that, than he should be in his own therapy. People with a lot more needs than I have, find themselves in therapy with a kind, caring and compassionate therapist. I've come to the conclusion that that is not what I have. I'm frustrated, defeated, and angry when I leave there. I'm wasting $160 every single week.

I have a responsibility in this. I totally get that this is a two way street. But why is it that I feel like I'm the only one driving here? Something is wrong, very wrong with this relationship. I think we both had good intentions. I think we both thought that we could work together, but after 4 months, I realized that his style was not what I needed. I voiced numerous times that it wasn't helping me, and yet he can't adapt to what I need. I'm not going to therapy to give myself an ulcer. I've got enough problems already!

Not his fault...not my fault. Just not compatible anymore. :(

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I really think you are taking this to hard and you are, as Bloom said, 'mind-reading'. Which is not helpful to your cause.

 

[tphillips117]

You may be right about that--but it's MY cause! I'm the only one who can determine if I am benefiting from the treatment I'm getting and I don't think I am. I've in fact, been very blunt with my T--and I just think he's old and set in his ways. I'm not saying he's a bad or incompetent therapist--I'm just saying his style is not right for me. I think that's fair.

 

[Hashi]

I read that as either, continue or quit--and I think it's unfair to tell a paying client what thier schedule frequency should be. I wrote back and he refused to discuss it over email, basically giving me an ultimatum of come in on Wed, or we're done.

Part of what you're paying him for is to act ethically and professionally. If he thought a break was ill-advised, then it would be irresponsible for him to accept that arrangement without a discussion. I think he's recognising his responsibility towards you by requiring that. I think it would extremely unusual for a therapy break to be decided by the client alone, and the therapist not to insist on some discussion. Otherwise, he would still be your therapist and would have a certain duty of care towards you, but no input, agreement, understanding of your current mental state or contact. However much you're paying, I don't think you would want a therapist who didn't act from their professional values and judgement.

... which comes back to whether you can accept his professional values and judgement or not, including his approach. I hope you have a constructive discussion when you meet. Whether you decide to continue with him or not, I hope that can be based on working out a way forward that feels more positive for you, rather than a reaction to what seems negative.

People with a lot more needs than I have, find themselves in therapy with a kind, caring and compassionate therapist. I've come to the conclusion that that is not what I have.

I want to stress that I didn't "find myself" with a therapist who has the caring and compassionate approach I needed. I had to think about what I needed, search for an appropriate person, sound out potential therapists, have trial sessions (in one case a trial ten weeks) and assess whether they seemed a good person for me to see, and be willing to move on and keep looking.

I'm a bit concerned that you've referred a couple of times to the possibility of your current therapist giving you a referral. I wonder what kind of therapists he might refer clients to, and whether they might be very similar in approach/outlook to himself. At best, it seems hit and miss. If you decide to find someone else I think you need your own strategy for finding someone who suits you.