Wow, so many responses. It's reassuring to know that so many of you recognise and have experienced this particular tumult.
It brings up self hatred intensely.
And it is tragic that so many of us have experienced this.
I find it virtually impossible to address it: It makes me feel threatened, yet I can't explain why.
stenni, would you mind saying some of the self-care things that you're reacting against?
This came up in the context of Grounding and of making safety plans for self-harming and suicidal impulses.
(Gaargh - this is still so hard - as soon as I start to write about it I'm off pacing and looking for food. I've gained 2.75 stone in 11 months).
As an example - while reading about safety plans I was aware I was feeling floaty, flushing and desperate to walk away, even though I'd already chosen to be in the mentally safest room n my house. So I thought I'd apply what I'd just read on grounding - got to "what can I feel?", and felt in my hand the cellophane wrap form the biscuits I'd eaten. Immediately I started to use it's creased corner to jab and scrape my palm - straight back into the lowest level of the self harm I was trying to plan against.
It probably applies more widely though - things like bothering to clean my teeth, or feeling able to wear brightly coloured clothes.
The comments that have struck me fall into three sections
Theres - Just get on with it
So I approached it as a dose of medicine that I needed and just had to trust I needed even though I hated it with every fibre of my being.
I hope you will "just go forward and learn those skills". Even if you had zero trauma in your life, you still need to learn ways to help you cope with day to day life.
it is not at all about pretending, but doing. You might just want to pick one or two things to implement at first and just gradually add to it.
This is the approach that appeals to me most, and is the one I'm trying to implement. Yet it
feels as wise as sticking my hand in the fire. I was a bit thrown yesterday when the therapist said "But putting your head down and charging is what you've always done". She didn't go on to say what else I could do - she's determinedly non-directive. I can't see any alternative that will actually get the job done. If these are skills I need in order to heal, then I'll have to make myself learn them.
and there's alter how I think about self-care in order to alter how I feel about it
That was the idea behind my original question to myself about
why the idea of caring for myself is disturbing enough to need comfort eating
I shall ask myself Albatrosses question about each of my eight innate responses
ask myself with my adult mind if what I am professing or telling myself is really what I believe
Since I've already said I know some are contradictory, maybe I'll be able to knock at least some on the head. But I suspect that in the same way as salt and fresh water can exist as separate layers in an estuary, and can move in opposite directions, truth may also be different in different layers.
Finally there's the question
Is effective self care possible?
I ended up trying to learn and attempt self parenting and made the decision that I couldn't make a worse hash out of it than my parents did.
there are those professionals in the field who are adamant that managing basic lack in childhood by oneself is impossible. It is like being your own kidney donor. I tend to go with this idea.
I'm hoping that it's possible to do a "good-enough" job on myself. If children have been shown to thrive on good-enough parenting, then maybe I can offer myself enough.
