Bitterness

[raven123]

Thanks, Valentino. I'm really fed up looking for help and not getting it. Sick of being told I ain't important enough, or not bad enough, whatever. Maybe I just start taking.

 

[jesusfever]

I just gotta say that you put words on what I am feeling Raven. I basically hate everything and don't bother dealing with my emotions. I've tried, but I can't. I've left friends, and enjoy sabotaging peoples trust. Yeah I'm too tired being the good guy who doesn't show any fault. I definitley rebel against that idea of myself.

It's a pity you can't keep an ounce of bitterness if you want to live this f*cking life. Because it's the best thing I know. When my bitterness is justified I get shivers down my spine. Hahahaha. That's not right.....


(apologies for being immature but I REALLY had to vent somewhere)

 

[Hashi]

I'm afraid I don't understand what you say about DBT skills, since my experience of them is that they're all about containing, soothing and regulating emotions. I wasn't talking about a whole DBT therapy, which may include the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach of confronting difficult things, only about the skills - mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation and distress tolerance.

I never had a real safe place either, a lot of people have to make them up - being on the moon or a cloud, for example. People have posted about it on the forum, to find a way through the problem of not having been safe in real life.

I'm not going to go into the therapy thing, since several people have already done that in a different thread.

Basically, I think we have a fundamentally different view. I think that if someone focusses on reasons why they can't recover, they will find plenty and will be proved right. I did that for a long time. I had plenty of reasons, my past experiences, the damage done by them, lack of help, current problems. All my reasons were first rate. By focussing on them, everything got continually worse, so that let me add more reasons. Life kicked me in the teeth whatever I did. I'm not doing it any more and things are getting better. That's my experience.

I hope you find a way through this and I wish you well.

 

[safenow]

Maybe I just start taking.

Raven, do you have a diary/journal here? Just talking can really help a lot. I got a lot of crap out of my system by writing things down.

I thought, when I first started doing that here, I would be told to shut up, or stop doing it. But instead, I got positive feedback. I was told it would help, and sure enough it did and does help a lot.

You have a lot to say. A lot inside that really needs to come out. This just might be the place for you to do that. Good luck, in what ever you decide to do.

 

[raven123]

Hashi, thank you. The safe place they talked about was emotional as well as imagery from what little I could read. I don't have the book. A safe place emotionally I don't have except numbing out. Intellectualizing is my addiction really. Like drugs or alcohol people use to numb, I just learned how to numb with intellectualizing. I've been doing that since my rape over 40 years ago pretty much because I was constantly told my needs didn't count and not to have emotions by my sperm donor through fear, threats, emotional abuse, intimidation and physical and spiritual abuse. Like the books constantly say, find a therapist (a guide). That's what I need because I simple don't under the emotional context. I read through those two books, based on DBT, in a day. Probably could've filled them out in a day. Afterwards, I was like, yeah, so, I still hate the fact I ever existed in the first place.

Safenow, I tried the journaling thing and it released a rage, an anger I couldn't control so I quit. That night a few months back just about anything pissed me off. Rather than beat someone's ass, which I almost did, for pissing me off that didn't deserve it, I quit journaling. Until I find a guide (shrink) out of this mess, it doesn't seem beneficial to relive the past.

So far this healing has made me seeth with anger at those useless shrinks I've had. That first bitch that dumped me and used me for money I'd really love to go to tell her what I really think of her shitty skills. She was nothing but a scam artist <really bad word>. I f*cking hate her.

 

[raven123]

Criteria for a PTSD diagnosis

The "C", or avoidant/numbing, criterion consists of symptoms that reflect behavioral, cognitive, or emotional strategies PTSD patients use in an attempt to reduce the likelihood that they will expose themselves to trauma-related stimuli. PTSD patients also use these strategies in an attempt to minimize the intensity of their psychological response if they are exposed to such stimuli.

Behavioral strategies include avoiding any situation in which they perceive a risk of confronting trauma-related stimuli. In its extreme manifestation, avoidant behavior may superficially resemble agoraphobia because the PTSD individual is afraid to leave the house for fear of confronting reminders of the traumatic event(s).

Dissociation and psychogenic amnesia are included among the avoidant/numbing symptoms and involve the individuals cutting off the conscious experience of trauma-based memories and feelings.

Finally, since individuals with PTSD cannot tolerate strong emotions, especially those associated with the traumatic experience, they separate the cognitive from the emotional aspects of psychological experience and perceive only the former. Such "psychic numbing" is an emotional anesthesia that makes it extremely difficult for people with PTSD to participate in meaningful interpersonal relationships.

Symptoms included in the "D", or hyper-arousal, criterion most closely resemble those seen in panic and generalized anxiety disorders. While symptoms such as insomnia and irritability are generic anxiety symptoms, hyper-vigilance and startle are more characteristic of PTSD. The hyper-vigilance in PTSD may sometimes become so intense as to appear like frank paranoia. The startle response has a unique neurobiological substrate and may actually be the most pathognomonic PTSD symptom.

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/pages/ptsd-overview.asp

Those two certainly explain me. Maybe the regular emotions people have are just boring to me because all I ever had were extremes, which would include my Bipolar. I get bored easy.

I'm tired of trying to figure out what's wrong with me. What's the point? Treatment isn't gonna happen anyway. It's a pipe dream.

 

[xena21]

I'm tired of trying to figure out what's wrong with me. What's the point? Treatment isn't gonna happen anyway. It's a pipe dream.

That's exactly how I feel.

 

[raven123]

It's totally true. Unless I can afford $200-300 an hour once a week on a great shrink, there is no treatment. I can't afford once a year. LOL Greats shrinks, more and more, refuse to take even insurance, which I don't have either. So, you have to come up with cash for the real good ones now. I've read people gripe online they can't find one without lots of cash and even bad ones with decent insurance. Therapy is becoming something for just the upper class in America. If I was rich, I really could care less about "healing" much since I'd have a lot of the stuff (wife and family and friends) I don't have now. And, I'd probably blow a few grand a month on weed to deal with life, but I could live with that.

I'm male and they really don't care about us as far as sex abuse survivors. Male victims are mostly forgotten and ignored in society.

Xena, I wish you luck. Lot more out there for women so don't give up.

 

[Abstract]

If I was rich, I really could care less about "healing" much since I'd have a lot of the stuff (wife and family and friends) I don't have now. And, I'd probably blow a few grand a month on weed to deal with life, but I could live with that.

Gosh. So the only thing standing in the way of relationships of all types for you is money.

And people with money have good relationships....

 

[raven123]

I live in the South, Abstract. That is pretty much the truth down here. When I had a really good job, I could take my pick. I just didn't want the ready-made families that was on the menu. Most had 2 or more kids. I couldn't have handle that. I'd say 90% of the single guys I knew my age (30s) didn't want that either. I also stayed away from the wild party girls--i.e. alcoholics & druggies. So, I had lots of sex instead. Casual sex is easy to find in the South. I wasn't happy or sad or fulfilled, but way better than I am now.

 

[MomOfTwo]

Hashi & Safenow,

I just have come to understand that until I find a therapist, who knows what they are doing in my case, and I can afford one there isn't much hope I'll get past this stuff. .

Raven,
I don't think I could ever create a 'safe' place in my mind at least not right now. I am sorry you are not able to feel safe either. I am working on that in therapy. However, I am the only one that can do it. I can be given tools or suggestions but it is up to me to 'buy' into them or trust them.

My new therapist is recommending Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). I googled it and it has so many good reviews and I think I am going to give it a serious go because nothing has really worked for me thus far. I think it is because I just don't feel safe anywhere. EFT helps release emotions and helps you in the here and now. I have even convinced my husband to try it because he is under a lot of stress lately and grew up in an abusive home as well. It is all based on accupressure points that help to release tension and stress from our bodies. There are so many videos as well demonstrating it and so many therapists are using it. I am hoping it helps me because nothing else seems to.

 

[Hashi]

I read through those two books, based on DBT, in a day. Probably could've filled them out in a day. Afterwards, I was like, yeah, so, I still hate the fact I ever existed in the first place.

Got to say that I don't think that's giving DBT skills a try at all. I wouldn't have got anything about DBT by doing that, can't see how anyone would. It's like speed-reading a book about playing the piano then saying you can never learn the piano because you couldn't play it by the time you went to bed.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like you want to give the skills a try. That's up to you, but I think it's worth owning it. I just wanted to say this for the record, in case anyone else is thinking of trying them. It's something you have to work at, but personally it's one of the most helpful things I've done so I think it's worth the pain and effort.