Sufferer 'unspoken Rules'

[CountryGal]

Growing up there was an environment of 'unspoken rules'. I knew by the look on the faces around me in my home just what to say or not say, do or not do. After years of this I could sense the attitude in my home just by walking through the door. (Note: Years after leaving I could still sense the past when I walked into my childhood home.)

This gave me what I have come to find as an unusual sense of awareness. Whenever I have tried to interact with others (from adolescence to adulthood) that instinctive sense kicks in. Never having realized It was unusual to grow up with 'unspoken rules' I never really fit in.

One of my main abusers (brother 'A' - 3 years older) was born simply evil. I say that because he enjoyed physicaly and mentally abusing, sometimes torturing others. He could get into your head, and without the slightest touch, convince you he could do you great harm at any moment.

In order to survive him, my other 8 siblings with their own sense of violence, my violent alcoholic father and mentally/emotionally unstable mother with her own form of torture by use of emotional abuse I learned to step back and study everyone. I learned many of my interactive behavior from brother 'A'. He was the master of 'unspoken control'. It is so hard to describe that learned part of my personality that still exists.

Does ANYONE know what it's like to have a part of yourself that was once necessary for survival and now has no place in your life, yet it still gives me comfort to know it's there. If I make any sense to someone please respond.

 

[Bubba]

I, too, grew up in a home of unspoken rules. I learned at a very early age how to read people. I literally can "feel" their emotions just by walking in a room. It's disconcerting and a hard habit to break. Now at 42, I still have knee jerk reactions to the emotions of people around me - I am still changing my behavior or reacting to their emotions to try to keep things calm and keep conflict at bay. At times I feel like a child rather than an adult - and quite frankly it pisses me off. I don't want to revert to childish behavior just to avoid conflict. I need to learn to speak up and ask questions rather than silently figure out what to say to just "make it all better". I wish I had all the answers - but then I guess I wouldn't be on this forum then :).

 

[Tinyflame]

Same here as Bubba. Usually I'm correct though, as to others' feelings (or some of them), what I think is the cause though may be wrong or incomplete. I don't know how to be anyone else.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[CountryGal]

I still have knee jerk reactions to the emotions of people around me - I am still changing my behavior or reacting to their emotions to try to keep things calm and keep conflict at bay. I need to learn to speak up and ask questions rather than silently figure out what to say to just "make it all better".

I once read a book that I can't recall the name of - something about 'Healing and Survivors'. It had something amazing, a chapter called 'Honoring What you did to Survivor'. I never thought of honoring anything about myself. Once I read this I realized why I did so many of the things I did like self-abuse in my teens.

I allowed myself to accept whatever reasons that came to me by writing them down and not showing anyone so as to keep it secret like I was taught as a child. If I kept things within the relms of my childhood I was able to really know myself. Eventually I was able to show some of my writings to a therapist as long as I took it home with me I did not feel threatened. This helped me feel less captive in my own life.

I have found ways to change how I deal with life by looking deep within me. The best thing I have found is that it's ok to be me. I can't share my life experince with anyone I know but that's why I came on here so hopefully I don't shut myself into some invisible shell feeling I am not worthy of being a part of life. Been There - Done That!!! Don't want to go back.

I am trying to relate to you the best way I know how without telling you what to think or feel. Know This - I believe we are ALL just who we are meant to be. It's finding our personal strengths (no matter how bizzare as mine are) that makes life worthwhile.

 

[AussieRose]

I also grew up in an abusive family and l, too, am hyper-sensitive to the emotions/energies of others. I remember carefully observing my parents each day to see if it was 'safe' to breathe...

Much of my journey to healing has been to choose to see my 'acquired intuition' as a gift. These days, l use it to not only avoid conflict, but to 'see' people and to connect with empathy and compassion. Being sensitive is a beautiful gift to bring this world...

I have also had to learn to feel my feelings and feel comfortable about speaking up. Honouring my voice is still a challenge at times, and for those times when l must speak up, to use it with the right intensity; a tricky thing when you have had to 'shut up and stuff it down' for many years.

The best thing l did though was to use my parents as 'anti-role models' when raising my two daughters and this has been healing in its own way. To watch my daughters grow and flourish in an environment of unconditional love means the cycle of abuse ended with me. Nobody ever came to save me, but l saved them. :inlove:

I have learned to stop myself from regressing back into my 'childhood reactions' by remembering to breathe and reminding myself that, as an adult, l have choices open to me that l didn't have as a child.

Dr Judith Orloff has two excellent books titled, "Emotional Freedom" and "Positive Energy" which l have found very helpful.

Thanks for your post, Country Gal and blessings to you and everyone on this post,

Linda

 

[CountryGal]

Same here as Bubba. Usually I'm correct though, as to others' feelings (or some of them), what I think is the cause though may be wrong or incomplete. I don't know how to be anyone else.

Hopefully it won't take you 20 years of trying to change to realize who you are is ok like it did for me. I tried everything I could think of to fit in with others like - asking for help in group settings, helping others with their issues, trying to stay positive in a difficult relationship by allowing others their imperfections - All I got was sooooo confused I could hardly get through my day. That and the feeling like I TRULY don't belong with other Humans!?? I now realize that though my insightfullness scares some and totally freaks out others I'm happy I have it. It seems to me it would be a good thing that you can sense others feelings and it's great that you realize none of us can fully read the why's of others. I felt a sense of concern when you said you "don't know how to be anyone else". As I have tried to explain above trying to be who your not and disliking who you are (the only reason I know of to be anyone else) it's extremely painful on an emotional level. I hope you are ok with you because as I said it's great that you don't pretend to fully know others.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hopefully it won't take you 20 years of trying to change to realize who you are is ok like it did for me.. and the feeling like I TRULY don't belong with other Humans!?? I now realize that though my insightfullness scares some and totally freaks out others I'm happy I have it. It seems to me it would be a good thing that you can sense others feelings and it's great that you realize none of us can fully read the why's of others.

As I have tried to explain above trying to be who your not and disliking who you are .. it's extremely painful on an emotional level. I hope you are ok with you because as I said it's great that you don't pretend to fully know others.

Oh CountryGal, try almost 40 years and counting! Well, yes, seems I always had the 'toughest' and least communicative people tell me how they've felt, that never tell others, so I'm told. But surely yes, I figure I only understand what they tell me, or the questions they answer if I ask. I mostly guesstimate I know less, than what I 'know', how can one know all others have gone through, or all that's in their heart, or hurts or past? I guess I only 'think' I know the reasons if I blame myself for how they feel (if it's bad). That is painful. I have to think then (despite myself) that I don't know.

Thank you for your kind words, :hug: .

 

[safenow]

I remember carefully observing my parents each day to see if it was 'safe' to breathe...

You described it perfectly. My sister and I got hit over nothing. So we were careful of everything. We kept our eyes lowered so we didn't accidently get a "look" she didn't like. We stayed close to the wall so we didn't sail across the room when we got hit. My sister always tried to be sure there was nothing handy for her to grab, because if something, like a broom or mop or stick or whatever was within reach and she got upset, she knew we would be wearing it. And heaven forbid if boiling water was on the stove when it happened.

The rule of our house was "Children are to be seen but not heard." The only rule given, but it was enforced with an iron hand. Bad way for any child to grow up.

 

[intothelight]

Hi CountryGal,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

One of the best things about this site is realizing you are not alone. You will find a lot in common with members here and not feel out of place. This site has wonderful information and the support is amazing as you work in healing.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[LhasaLover]

Who was to know we would ever have a PTSD forum to connect?! Welcome, I'm new too! Yes, the unspoken rules we learn to navigate through unhealthy situations. It's so confusing when your parents were not appropriate role models to get help, get diagnosed... so many people do not ever get help. I'm focusing now on not being re-traumatized. I've been searching for a PTSD support group in my area with no luck!

 

[safenow]

I've been searching for a PTSD support group in my area with no luck!

Thanks to the net, you have one now.