A Bit Impaired At Present...

[Resilientbibliophile]

Hello,

Fatigued - yes, fatigued. I'm in the longstanding habit of affording words of encouragement to an exceedingly tiny base of friends that I wish might find it within themselves to reciprocate in detail when I most need it. People likely register the depth of the depression I feel, are happy when I might frame issues and afford solace when they require it, although in sum I do believe I freak them out. Too 'hot', too frequent, too pervasive - he never seems well.

Perhaps charges made by scattered others in the past are spot-on, are true. Words to the effect that 'he cannot love', 'he doesn't know how to love', etc. It seems possible that the nearest approximation to affording others love was to serve in many a capacity, whereas the price of maintaining proximity to the crowd both large and small was not to call attention to myself, not to evidence the profound and seemingly interminable pain and disconnect I feel. In particular, I can blend an orientation of giving and selflessness called for by my work as a librarian with the ever present existence of stigma regarding my condition, my mental state. Tenative acceptance afforded on the basis of 'what modest good he can do' short of participation in balanced interpersonal relations (yes - boundary issues suggested here) is so not what I desire.

To be looked upon as deeply dysfunctional and flawed, treated well one day and yet feared and ridiculed the next for 'being crazy' or 'odd' does not equate to this writer as meeting the definition of life quality. Too quickly I'm 'placed in a box' and taped-in before I know it. People recall and judge me based upon so long a record of irratic behavior and behaviors evidenced that I cannot possibly keep track. Patterns of interrelation are reproduced again and again, whereas little wonder my habits of dissociating via the continual reading and study of various soc. sci. topics, etc. is reinforced again and again. I don't want to frighten others, I don't want to frighten myself, but on-again, off-again function renders me something of punchline. Alone I 'can be', whereas out in the world I have no place.

I'm searching for work, although it seems certain that I have no future in libraries. I simply can't handle endless free-form interaction with a public and in particular, social environments that have turned upon me. Triggers today? Well, writing a statement for an old colleague who was fired from a public library regarding the tensions afoot within what was an undoubtably trying circumstance. My draft seemed something of a mess, whereas I was confused and caught off balance for editing clearly required. I take pride in that which I write, but here I clearly fell down. Such an effort to afford perspective as to what happened in that library, a dozen extended messages surely, and yet trace concern as to my current state reflecting back even as I so need it. For the recall triggered, for the one-way effort made, I don't think I wish to maintain the friendship beyond existing commitments. It's been altogether too much to bear...

Another trigger is applying to an academic library position within a evangelical Christian college which I should not even consider. A certain masochistic pull, a certain desire for challenge - but a lingering desire for further punishment too unquestionably. I'm reading materials on masochism, I understand select aspects of the dynamic, but nevertheless seemed drawn to people and circumstances where patterns of deep misunderstanding are perpetuated and/or repeated. I'm a good person, but I cannot be an evangelical Christian or be in close proximity to those so-aligned or affiliated lest my identity be overwhelmed. So few employment listings library-related, and yet riches for those 'so-configured'.

Last paragraph - I promise! An extra three-page document was sent to me as a Pdf file attachment for me to fill out and return to the aforementioned evangelical Christian college. It almost equates to a loyalty oath, a request if you will for one's personal vision and experience of faith. It all seems so stilted, so uncompromising to the extent that the expected answers would have to be fabricated to be answered at all by this writer/applicant. Why am I doing this to myself? I'll give up on it, while at present I'm overwhelmed by recall of teen/adult services role within a deeply conservative town where I frankly didn't belong. Call this a repetition compulsion I cannot quite control even as I recognize the dynamic at work. Thanks for reading this message...


M.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Do you really think its masochism alone, or is it just part of the abuse cycle where you feel as if you can challange the situation and win, and free a part of yourself? I find myself doing this. I also had what you term "on again, off again functioning". I think it is just part of the illness. I worked as a nurse in a very small unit. It helped. I also liked interacting with my patients, just not people in general.

I wonder if you are being too hard on yourself. Just ignore that if I'm wrong, but I have thought that before when I have read one of your posts. You don't have to be perfect. You are a good, intellegent, and caring human, at least from what I've read in your posts. I'm not working, nor looking at the moment, but when I do look, I think I will find a good fit when I am really ready to go back. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[safenow]

Why am I doing this to myself?

You don't have to even read any more of that material. Just send them a "Thank you, but no thank you." and let it be done. It is obvious, that job would not be for you.

Although, you might find it quite refreshing to give them a truthful reply. Be exact and honest. LOL. Sometimes it shocks people who "claim" to be Christian when you are honest.

Just my .02 cents.

 

[Delta62]

As U.S. Supreme Court Justice Jackson said in 1946 in West Virginia State Board of Education v. Barnett "if there is any fixed star in our constitutional constellation, it is that no official, high or petty, can prescribe what shall be orthodox in politics, nationalism, religion, or other matters of opinion or force citizens to confess by word or act their faith therein." I like having oddities and some dysfunction in my life, it reminds me I am human. Remember, your worth something.

 

[AussieRose]

Dear Resilientbibliophile,

As l read your post, it reminded me of a poignant poem l discovered recently. I would like to share it:

"I Will Not Die an Unlived Life" by Dawna Markova

I will not die an unlived life
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance;
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.

Wishing you peace of heart and mind... :hug:

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Thanks everyone - I really needed the input,

Indeed, aspects of an abuse cycle for I once worked in a public library setting where most individuals so-employed were drawn from the community and were of evangelical orientation. In a positive sense, a paradise for them, although for myself - not quite! Like too too many here, how could I engage in conversation extolling the virtues of 'placing family at the center' when my own family, siblings, relations equated to material I couldn't freely speak of? Where so many there would have linear and most-detailed memories of positive 'togetherness' I have by sharp contrast periods I've blacked out. For not participating in many such conversations I'm sure I projected as distant and unfriendly, although how can one celebrate what one hasn't experienced?

Consistent with being honest and respecting self, I did scribble and send what is seen below - sort of an elaborated cover letter if my meaning is understood:

Dear ****,

With some regret I must relate that I am not an evangelical Christian, although the depth of my commitment to service, which itself equates to a selfless calling is all I might stand upon. The world reflects back all the good, all the bad that exists within each and every one of us, and negotiating text and electronic means to support the intellectual growth of individuals determined is something I considerately facilitate given the parameters of values and sensitivities I can detect and agreeably cultivate towards positive ends. I endeavor to detect the outlines of promise and to cultivate them when such promise is noted. I do not destroy, but rather I help others to build for such is the test of my effectiveness within what might seem an invisible and often overlooked role.

I can relate will full candor that I recognize the outlines of profound range of threats and hazards both prominent and subtle stand to undermine and topple faith, while a librarian so-situated would be called upon to interpret and reinterpret many a hazardous road and crossing in a fashion consistent with not simply the elevation of faith, but the maintenance and tempering of the same in the face of many secular detractors. For individuals within the **** University environment, it is a core understanding that faith isn't something haphazardly attached to balance life in early adulthood, but rather that faith and identity are one and the same for those so-guided and so-informed. It is in the finest sense a culture within a larger and often hostile culture. This writer, this applicant hasn't a television, hasn't subscriptions, and is adverse to much that constitutes the popular culture. I ask that the reader appreciate that more than might be suspected of my identity and orientation to the posited role may be construed as being in sympathy with much you already cherish.

A librarian positively influenced and impacted by faith treads lightly, evidences fathomless patience, imparts skills, and endeavors always to leave a patron in better condition upon departure contrasted to the confused state characteristic of so many. As faith might guide us, informing and illuminating commitment to this and that endeavor, librarians are situationally called upon to serve as agents of personal agency. The finest librarians search for the best aspects of disposition, of a character, of faith within those that they strive to help, and for gentle feedback and assertive guidance take heed to ensure that a sense of ownership of the research process remains the licensed property of the patron requesting service! If the understanding and appreciation of a topic, of a debate is not fashioned from the developing awareness kindled within the patron with the greatest of care, all or most of what is taught will perish. For such failure, the librarian is punished for few are better positioned to grasp how students are really doing across sections. Considerate intervention to establish how an assignment is framed, how someone intends to coherently construct an argument and set the same down in writing, wrestling with the idiosyncrasies of this software and that database and much more is the invisible value a librarian so-dedicated might add.

It further helps to be well-versed, to demonstrate a capacity to communicate via the written word but also to possess a capacity to capture and maintain the interest of groups. When pressed upon for answers, one must never fail to understand the limits of individual awareness, of the reliance we have upon each other, and expressions of the best we may be. Such calls for humbleness, a capacity to reflect, a determination to live an ethical existence both in and out of sight for to know some is hardly to know all. Indeed, to possess proportionally more knowledge about select subjects may (at best) amplify awareness of the enormity of the responsibility to both temper pride and to teach others to evidence requisite awe at the profundity of matters that will not yield to quick study...

Too many librarians afford clipped information kiosk service given that at a distance such can seem professional, but know for my background that such reticence and evidence disposition not to serve, not to afford engaged time and attention to any and all before me is to dishonor the patron, the community, the role, and yes - the calling. In particular, my academic CV reveals that my undergraduate degree is in political science with an emphasis on the study of urban policy. In this realm I felt I could do little in any manner concrete, whereas for addressing small gatherings of individuals or individuals themselves in a face-to-face context, the textured and deep commitment to service I embody might not be wasted. Know too that within the public library role once filled, that I served a vibrant community that featured many families that chose to home-school their children, and likewise proudly identified with a faith that might be shared and expanded upon for the inclusion of those not-yet imbued or touched by that faith. Appreciate please that I'm not a stranger.

For wide reading of social science subjects within journal articles and academic tomes it is likely that I better appreciate, and better know the scale and finer particulars of much that threatens the evangelical Christian world view. Threats viewed close in, those studied in detail are those that can be more adeptly deconstructed, reconstructed and presented to others in a clear and coherent fashion that affords due diligence to the sophistication of the subject matter and holds the promise that contemporary world can be negotiated by one guided by the principled and committed evangelical Christian view and experience of life.

Although the attached PDF file will be filled in to be scanned and submitted soon, the issues raised have been much on my mind, hence this expanded cover letter is afforded to you now. I'm pondering how to give best and give honestly of myself within the parameters set down, although know I had to communicate something coherent to you and soon. With kindest regards...


Michael ****


...before I drift too far from this computer, I'll politely decline further consideration as a candidate for the role via email. Though a bit indulgent, the above reproduced message almost certainly captures the extent to which I felt challenged and overwhelmed by like-circumstance before, and hints strongly at how ultimately debilitating it was for me. Again, I really appreciate the input of those 'who know', those for whom all of this 'doesn't strictly rattle'. Kind regards to the community then...


M.

 

[safenow]

*Stands and applauds Michael.* Good job. I'm glad you stated who you are and what you believe. I am so proud of you.

I believe you will find a good job that is perfect for you in the future. Keep on keeping on.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Hello,

Thanks for the kind input and support. Yesterday I did in fact write something short consistent with politely withdrawing myself from consideration for the role. Hard though - for even as I'm quite isolated I can 'hear' critics who would ask of me why I'd not done more with regards to this 'opportunity' or perhaps that.

I'm reeling at present, recalling many poor circumstances whereby in a true PTSD-style, no reasoned recourse to defend myself seemed possible within the role of being a teen and adult service reference librarian in a public library setting. Do know that I was situated in a very tiny town and for my language and manner of presentation I was dead before I knew it, but still - perhaps aspects of the work otherwise unsuspected by the reader will be discerned. In passing, it so seems that non-critical yucksters who so blend in with the cultural trappings of however an environment is configured are 'King', whereas instructions 'not to deviate from the norm' are usually absorbed by someone such as myself long after a certain line has been breached. Some of this is an expression of my sickness as denominated in trauma legacies, but other aspects relate to having grown out of the role and discovering the entire matter nothing less than stifiling.

Sorry - something of a rant to follow reflecting not-so-nice experiences had in a public library upon the public reference desk. It is sad, for the percentage of experiences that are positive for both patron and librarian are in my memory wholly overshadowed by the enormity of quite terrible experiences that just seemed inescapeable. My adult services head in particular was 'of the community' and demonstrably incapable of critical thought, whereas my director couldn't be bothered by such trivalities as team building based upon the terms of cultivating mutual respect and alliance in common cause.

An awful, awful place, whereas relieved too that the matter of supporting the other fired librarian mentioned in passing above as she went to court to contest her status has agreeably concluded and in her favor. We're both out of there, but the memories of so much that was wrong, so much that demonstrably didn't work or dashed our respective hopes about the role linger. In sum - it hurts terribly, for many perceive library work is 'easy', a sinecure of sorts, the last 'noble government job', etc. Yes, and no, no, no...

The more I reflect upon libraries and library work, I do believe the reference desk staff runs the greatest risk with the public even if on the surface the work isn't hard per-se. I beg the reader to appreciate that to be so-exposed is to be subject to judgment and seriously misunderstanding at all times, whereas if patrons take offense one might never be able to understand the nature of the offense taken and/or offer up a coherent defense in the moment. If an administrative presence is so-oriented as to isolate and simply gather facts in accordance with a desire to 'terminate cleanly', I'm afraid there is little one can do to stop them. Given the sharp decline of home values, millage revenue isn't what it was, hence 'means to trim' are identified and 'targetted for termination' with a degree of skill otherwise unheard on the part of many an administrative apparatus. In sum the answer to the question 'Hire - but how to fire?'.

As a librarian one cannot monitor and defend against every patron rushing to chat up a board member or less than scrupulous administrator happy to verbally affirm the worth of this charge or that to secure esteem in the moment. Too frequently I've witnessed others maligned purportedly in 'the interests of the library and its demonstrated commitment to public service', aka catty behavior of small people given to stoking emnity if such might help agreeably pass the time.

Seasoned librarians and ex-desk staff know the drill; i.e. avoid the desk and secure the protection of walls and tasks that preclude interface with the public. Older staff in particular imagine it their right to reduce their public footprint and retreat to the solace of back rooms to order materials and update forms consistent with the art of deliberate 'make work'. My two experiences of libraries upon the collection of my library degree have been far from happy...

Challenges to professionalism and the maintenance of an agreeable public presentation are many. I've had people approach me absolutely determined to secure 'something for nothing' online given they'd witnessed a fictionalized hacker on Friday night television break into a system in seven seconds flat. It "...HAS to be free, because it's on the Internet!". There is a disconcerting backlog of older people in particular who well sense the utility of the Internet and Internet culture, who often prove disinclined to learn, and yet will fight everyone to secure what they know is there. Serving those predisposed to be ungrateful if not out and out mean is difficult to take. Give me a clueless person with a kind disposition and I'll do anything for them. Afford me someone who knows little, is expectant of the world and is bitter besides? Gee, I can give them ten quality minutes!

Some of the want evidenced then is a reflection of my own now. Many patrons are simply lonely and need validation - while for a librarian there is no escape from them. Gosh - I tried, but being 'stressed tested' to determine if their prejudices and 'mine' match is not a game I like to play - now, or ever. Unspoken lessons concerning protocol were everywhere and yet invisibly absorbed from birth by the locals. In particular, establishing popularity with library 'regulars' was important for one needs champions to extoll personal virtues to the library board, scattered administrative types, etc.

Not playing is decidedly unwise, whereas the pressing need of such patrons to be afforded access to your life is the price of the esteem with which one is held - or not. Some have no family, have lost family, or have demonstrably alienated family - hence you became their de facto spawn! If you occupy a position in the little library situated in the little town on the hill you MUST PLAY this game. A private life seemingly isn't allowed by either select members of the public and certainly not by staff. Then come the odd demands not strictly related to simply finding a book...

Quack 'medical' practices, conspiracy theories, hatred of politicians, the End of Days, child rearing philosophies (given their own children are in prison, such talk is of course FASCINATING!), drugs, online gambling, parasocial affairs pursued online - egads, the lot. People hit 'Enter' twenty-seven times in a row after spending the three previous hours filling in a life-changing form and seek blood when the system collapses under the weight of their often hamfisted efforts to use technology. All of the 'loud types' suggested above talk, talk about others, talk amongst themwselves, and at this very moment, are talking about YOU.

Ugh - sorry to be so grumpy! My cultural intake (don't even SPEAK of intellectual intake - we don't like 'intamulecktuals' here!) was no longer mine either. To be seen embracing matters and topics others can't easily access and/or partake of is to be snobbish and 'out of touch' with the needs of the community. It doesn't matter if some actual diversity of views might actually render facets of the unknown known for the good of all - JUST CONFORM! Oh - and don't use so many syllables!

To not be versed in the multi-part Tim LaHaye-penned Left Behind saga was to be an obvious outsider, whereas not to embrace in a clone-like fashion the reading tastes of those simply desiring to 'check-out and mentally check-out' again was to harbor stirrings of bloody cultural rebellion. If the cultural wars were fought, it seems I was on the losing side and far, far behind hostile lines when the treaty was signed. A horrible experience, five years and six months of my life dedicated to a place you do not want to visit - ever. Should you pass through, look straight ahead, and keep the windows up and the doors locked. Sorry - rant done...

M.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

My apologies then,

Sorry for the evident excesses noticed across the rant typed just above. I feel I have no place in public libraries - none whatsoever. The role calls for people who are warm, approachable, flexible, in sympathy with patrons based upon common outlook and a shared sense of what in a recreational sense engages. Concerning most nearly every aspect of life, a librarian should be drawn from the environment served for value can be added in countless discreet ways for intuitively knowing what suits the patrons of that community. Those who have large supportive families and social lives, complimented and expanded upon by what spiritual life they seek and find meaning in, can lend even greater value within the role. All I know for certain is that people so-configured look upon me as a dysfunctional alien, whereas in hidden moments the perception is more than shared.

By very unpleasant contrast I'm cold and standoffish, likely rigid, diametrically different in relation to what I seek when I read, confused and lost in relation to popular culture and especially consumer culture. In cruel and awful contrast I have nothing but tattered rags to compare and contrast to the social fabric of most - whether they be affiliated with a faith or not. I can smile, I can attempt to blend in, I can labor to mentally re-frame what I've experienced as simply the character of common folk shining through. I can do all of this, but if my needs are wholly neglected, my total identity smashed into a box, locked and not to be reopened, then I have no future for I have no present.

I imagine that is 'the killer', serving but at the same time accepting terms that violate all sense of personal identity because one cannot be frank with anyone in sight. A great many 'good folk' work in libraries, but continual proximity to 'good folk' who learn with time to raise an eyebrow about this habit, this belief, this unexpected political tendency of mine slams me into a spot Kafka would appreciate. I come not to trust my perceptions even as they are highly studied and I hope - informed. Again, my apologies for my excesses. I so wanted libraries to 'work', I so desired that I could carve out a more or less silent place where I could assume the protective coloration of a good citizen, and yet such environments turn me inside out. I love my studies, and if the public needs protection from me, I certainly need protection from that same public. Thanks...

M.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I enjoyed your rant. You are very well spoken, and I can relate to most of what you said. I lived in a small, very bible-based Christian area and it was tough. Now that I am out of the dissociative fog, I can read your posts more easily.