My Daughter Got Beat Up By Her Husband Last Night While She Was Asleep

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you Alby for your encouragement. It is rough going through this for me. I am in horror of what my family has been going through. The more truth comes out the more horrified I am. He had my daughter brainwashed and her spirit broken down. Now dealing with his sneaky and underhanded ways and lies, I am overwhelmned.

I am glad she got offered the job. I am glad that she got a good attorney. I hate suspense. She has so much she has to do tommorow.

It is so hard to deal with my husbands dementia and what my daughter is going through.

He brought the bills in and opened them and mixed them all up and I lost my temper with him and hurt his feelings. He got very defensive and went into delusions. I apologized sincerely to him. I have a very hard time when he tries to help with the bills. I just want him to hand the bills to me and let me take care of it. My contract with my cable company expired and my bill almost doubled. I need to find something cheaper. Anyways Alby, I sure appreciate your support.

Thank you Amathist. I am doing the best I can to support my daughter and the girls. My daughter is being very strong. She is waking up. My mothers heart is just broken over what they have suffered and endured. I am feeling overwhelmned.

I am trying to be strong for my husband and my daughter and the girls. They have suffered so much at his hands. I hate how ugly it will all be. He was always a stranger to me, but he is showing his true colors now. I hate what he has done. It is so hard.

I think I will call my daughter and see how she and the girls are doing.

 

[anni]

Oh well, of course he's afraid of the police and the judge. Like they can't read? Somewhere there exists a forum where these beleaugered professionals must go to say 'WTF' to each other and blow off the steam which has to build up after hearing the sheer nonsense they do every, single day. Pretty sure ( very sure ) they're not fooled for one second. Yes, there's no doubt some maximum sentence the judge will be allowed to impose for a first offense. He/she still has an awful lot of latitude plus this attorney of his is really, really not doing the client any favours at ALL. It might look like she's being agressive but what she's really doing is helping dig his legal grave, so GOOD.

I'm so sorry this is taking chunks out of your husband. All of it leads back to taking chunks out of you in the end, it would be inevitable. I realize we're just not here on the planet for ourselves, it's kind of fatal to try to live with that particular perspective but BOY, be kind of nice to have someone take care of you for 5 minutes or so huh? :) Everyone needs to have their tanks of kindness re-fueled, have something to keep chugging along on or we're just screaming along on empty, I know. It's nobody's fault of course ( Well, it's that feminine hygiene product's fault, just nobody's fault who genuinely needs your love at the moment ) , but gosh, you could sure use some psychological chocolate. I hope being here in the forum would be at least the equivalent of a few Hershey's Kisses to give you a sugar fix here and there, maybe keep you going for now. When the dust settles, I hope it's possible to get to a good counselor or therapist, begin to glue some of those bits back into place for you, you know?

We're here. but you know that. Wish we could do more, hopefully hugs and a few dozen ears will suffice at the moment. :hug:

 

[Bodacious]

Dear Gizmo:

I am sorry to hear that your daughter is going through this. I myself know all to well the trauma Domestic Violence can cause on a person. I was married to a man, who for seven years, that raped and physically abused me. I had two sons with this man and my greatest fear of leaving him was that he would get custody of my son, which he did. When I finally backed up my sons and myself and left while he was at work I left. I had no one to help me either. He found my sons in day care while I was at work a few month later and took them and there was nothing I could do but fight in court.

The courts told me since I had no stable home, stable job, and no automobile that he could keep them and in 6 months if I had accomplished those three things I could have them back. That was in August of 2006. I accomplished those things in just 2 weeks by joining the Army. When I went back to court a month later and showed I had completed those things I was told that I was abandoning my children to play soldier and fight an endless war.

Well now I am out of the Army and medically retired from Bipolar II, PTSD, and Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). The only war I feel I have ever fought and am still fighting is for custody of my sons. They now are being and have been being abused by him. For years I have been collecting evidence against him so I can get my sons back. It is looking promising so far that I will get custody of them.

The point in all this is to tell your daughter to make sure no matter what her fears are about leaving him that she has you to back her up. There are programs that can help her. Tell her to start writing down in a journal everything he has ever done to her that was abuse in any form. This journal can be used as evidence to keep him from getting custody of the kids and keep an emergency protect order (EPO) in place. The EPO is just a piece of paper though.

She needs to be aware of her surroundings at all times and expect the unexpected. I choose the Army but she can take a defense course and I highly recommend a concealed weapons carry class and the purchase of a small pistol. I carry a 40 caliber Glock 22 with me when I have to meet him to exchange the children for visits. When I bought my weapon it gave me a sense of security because I knew I had been trained by one of the best to handle this weapon. I was taught by a sheriff's deputy who was familiar with what was going on.

She needs to know that she can get through this and allow this to make her better. That it is not her fault and she did nothing to make him be that way. He has the problem and the issues, but that she can protect herself and children from him doing this again. She can not change him but she can change herself. Oh and no matter what he promises her he does really mean it at first but when the honey moon period wears off he will go right back to the coward he is. Only 3% of men who commit domestic violence do really change.

I am no expert on this but I can just tell you some of the things I did to make myself stronger and have the mind set that my children and I deserve better and I can do it all by myself. I am glad she doesn't have to go through these changes by herself and has support it will make it so much easier on her and the children.

I hope this helps.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

anni, thank you so much. You have been so supportive to me and I appreciate it so much. It keeps me going.

Yes I am going to get into some kind of therapy to help me out.

I feel so much better today. My daughter had to go to the police department to fill out some papers and take home a packet. They are waiting on the background check. I so am crossing my fingers for her.

I am even feeling better about what is going on to her husband. After all if she had inflicted the wounds could not he press charges against her?

I know that law enforcement are used to seeing liars. His story will not hold water. My oldest granddaughter may be a witness to the fact that my daughter was getting yelled at by her husband for hours.

I am trying to let go of what is so clearly out of my control. I am trying to go with the flow.

He will be a liar and deny to the end. He will stick to his story, but there is evidence against him.

I sure hope he does some jail time even if it is not for very long.

Hugs of gratitude to you anni. You are keeping me going with your common sense and experience and wisdom.

Bodacious. I am so sorry that you suffered and endured so much. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I appreciate the lessons and the experience you have gained.

My daughters girls are not his kids so he has no legal rights to them. Once this is all over she can move on with her life and forget about him.

His lawyer is a snake. She is a real bitch. But my daughter has a fine attorney now and stays in touch with her during the week.

I am very grateful for my blessings. I will pass on the information you shared with my daughter. Hugs to you.

 

[anni]

Oh my, I hope Bodascious keeps coming here. There might be a better place for PTSD and abuse, but I haven't come across it. I think the bottom line for my squirrely little head has always been how safe it is here, you know? Once in awhile you'll see some member get a wild hair up their er, nose about 'the rules', but the thing is, those are part of the whole SAFE thing, the structure. It's a little tough to try to explain to anyone who hasn't had that domestic abuse thing how incredibly important that is on a very, very primitive level, you feel like you're hanging around in thin air, naked with red targets on your rosy pink backside without the 'Safe' mode.

I think a good thread on lawyer jokes would be useful, with apologies to any here. There used to be one, but she's not here any more. Besides, it'd be an occupational hazard, right? Fair game. No attorney has a right to have thin skin, what's that one about what do you call a hundred lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! Muahahahahahaha! Anyway, it really IS the bottom feeders like that witch your daughter's husband hired who gives them a bad name. My ex's was unbelieveable also, but the thing is I don't know where they REALLY think it gets them or their client. It's SO old, it's just a big snore-fest for the courts, they hear this dreck 24/7. 100% of NOBODY believes an abuse victim beat up herself, bottom line. The lawyer who puts that out there with a straight face just annoyed the bejeesis out of a judge.

Having said that, good to know the experts ARE keeping an eye peeled, Hee. My POOR, poor husband just had to take me to the ER with a big, fat broken-up face. I have R.A, wrists not too strong. I was shoving this big trunk across the floor, like a ninnie, wrists failed, feet went WOOSH,face hit that trunk, BAMMO, I look like I did not survive in the ring with one of the Ali's, pick one. BOY did the docs and nurses look at hubby funny, poor guy. Having ascertained I really do have RA, for one thing and really am that ditzy for another, he got off the hook. That's ok, a couple of years ago I ran down to our shed at night, and fell into our backhoe bucket, how funny is that? Ouchy but funny, plus it had rained and had a couple inches of mosquito-egg water in there. You're not talking to your friendly neighborhood rocket scientists here, Gizmo.

Yes, it is awfully, awfully tough to let go of that control. It's only helpful when you're composing yourself, you know? I mean, the bottom line for us is that this cr*p is just plain wrong, awful, infuriating and everyone who backs up an abuser ( especially in my opinion the lawyers who are PAID to help someone who beats up women, wowza ) is baffling beyond comprehension. Well, we're also allowed our fury and betrayal, our hurt, anger and fear, we didn't ask for any of this, did not DO anything. It's asking an awful lot of us to be able to just 'poof', be able to reach into our supposedly bottomless pit of strength and pull out the necessary tools with which to go along with the insanity. Craziness. But. We have to do it anyway, play the whole court game, pretend we're civil and civilized in order to win back the freedoms someone stole from us. THIS is where we require all the help, in my opinion, a pat on the back, even if we have to reach around and pat our own back as awkward a maneuver as that is.

This forum is awfully helpful for that, as you said, you're getting some therapy, and I do hope some true acknowledgement that gosh, you're playing this bizarre game they ask of us incredibly well. There's always, always some kind of lesson in this nonsense, too, not that God himself invented this horrible situation just for your benefit, no. I've just noticed he has a way of turning awful events in our lives into something we look back on and say ' Ohhhhhhh, I see that! '. I hope that makes sense. It might not, I had quite a bump on the head Tuesday. :p

Much hugs as ever, and prayers of course. I'm adding Bodascious on the grounds that God appears to have not noticed that whole mess, requires some reminding, gee! xxxx

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Oh anni what a breath of fresh air you are. I so appreciate what you have to say. Your support means so much to me.

My daughter had to go to the police station to get copies of the pictures of his knuckles for her attorney.

I hope she gets her job soon and gets on welfare. We have had so many things breaking down on us and costing us so much money. On top of that I lost a big chunk of a molar and have to go the dentist to have the tooth pulled. Who knows how much that is going to cost. Our funds are starting to get low and we are on a fixed income. I do not have dental insurance.

I am alittle down today. The workmen are here to install a new icemaker. That is going to cost but I drink so much ice water I need my ice.

I will see my daughter and the girls tommorow afternoon. Mabe I will get pizza and make a party out of it.

anni I am so sorry that you had to suffer and endure so much with your ex.

I feel alittle nervous about the court and the judge and the restraining order. I do not know how they handle liars and lying attorneys. I guess I am afraid of her husband and his lying attorney.

I have to wait until the eighth of April for her to go to court again. I think he will have to go to court with the DA before that. I so want my daughter to be safe from him.

She has a ton of ammunition at her home and the police will not go and take it out. She has to get rid of it herself. She has so much going on.

Everyone has said that the judges see right through the liars. He makes me sick. I cannot wait until they are divorced and she can move on with her life. I cannot wait until she has moved to a difference place.

I hate suspense. I have to keep thinking positive. He could not have her arrested he got arrested and spent the night in jail. He was the one who had his guns taken into evidence. I so want them destroyed. I so want him to be convicted of a felony. I want my daughter to get half of his 401K.

I am so fed up with him getting away with this.

I so appreciate your support and positive words. They help me so much. Hugs. Thank you for the prayers.

 

[Eleanor]

Hi gizmo - nothing much to add except to say that in my experience judges hate being lied to. And a guy who comes in front of a judge and says "I didn't hit her" when there are Police PHOTOS of his knuckles and her injuries is very likely to make some other mistakes too. If he's not paying the mortgage and he's required to... that'll go to character as well. Hang in there.

Sounds like she has a sharp attorney, and he has a newbie who he has conned.

Do you know the old saying "A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge?"

:hug:

 

[anni]

Yes, hee, I'm sorry but GEE whiz, having been there it really is amazing to get there and alllll of a sudden realize these bozos are not omnipitant. They mostly can't tie their own shoes without one of those ' Shoe Tying For Dummies ' yellow books, we've just stuck them in this hugely powerful spot in our heads. I remember when mine showed up for court wearing his combat fatigues, WITH boots and beret and began his rant. Ohh my gosh, I thought the judge would pop something. My attorney wisely said nothing for 10 minutes, just let 'em rip. NOW it's hysterical, THEN I was so terrified I was light-headed. Well heck, I had an armed guard behind my chair, and a couple at the back of the room. I'll tell you what, and wait for it. It's truly something to look forward to, and you'll have it, Gizmo. It's been almost a couple decades now and I quite seriously wake up every morning and think YEP, I am FREE. It was hard-won, but boy, it still feels awfully good. At the moment, I have some folks sniffing around the outskirts of my life, being intrusive and a little threatening. It's wierd because instead of being totally freaked out I'm rolling my sleeves up. They ARE making a huge, huge mistake. Parasites, worms, germs, liars, whatever, you develop a center no one can shake. Do what you want, no one is going to make us be anything other than what we are, which is plain, old GOOD people. Don't bug me. :)

I'm really, really sorry your daughter has to go alllll the way to the police station, pick up photos of his bashed up knuckles, spend alllll this time proving nope, she did not in fact beat the bejeesis outa herself. BOY when you look at it, the whole thing is just so, so, SO stupid, isn't it? And the thing is, his lawyer bloody well knows it, she's just making a 'name' for herself, if she can win these seemingly impossible cases she'll have the business of ALL the abusers, be able to retire early! And burn in h*ll. There's a lot of talk about diagnosing personality disorders, and I do wonder if it takes an awfully disturbed person to be that kind of attorney, you know? Talk about zero conscience, whoa! There's an interesting study waiting to happen.

I know you and your family would rather not place all your hopes in the court system, and boy, we've all seen it do some koo-koo, wacko things, to be sure. Awful to get in there with 100% expectations that the right thing will happen and come away crushed, but you folks do at least have a TON of solid, solid evidence plus a huge bozo of a defendent. It's sometimes the best, most helpful thing you can take to court, a defendent who comes in with his own arsenol with which he proceeds to shoot himself in both feet.

I've been to that same dentist chair, not at all fun. When the dust settles, maybe look around for the closest dental school to where you live, even if it means a decent drive? Either that or one of those new min-mall type dental places which are cropping up, indulge yourself by having that replaced. I did look into them at one point, payments awfully reasonable. I'm sorry you have to have it pulled and not fixed, be nice if your dentist would take SMALL payments to fix it for you, save you the sheer pain of having it pulled.

Looking at the wholeeee picture is a ton-load of a lot, gosh. The finances, the court, all of it, and is bound to be overwhelming. None of it was you fault, and to be launched into all this because of the actions of a single person is so unreasonable it just makes the top of your head want to pop off. I'm not what anyone would call a religious person, being a lapsed Lutheran and I'm sorry, we're kinda-sorta luke-warm Catholics, no one yell at me, please. Prayer does work, the real ones, even if it doesn't feel like it. I've hauled off and yelled at God, who for some reason has occluded ears sometimes, not cool for a diety, is it? The 23rd and ( I think ) 91st Psalms are greatttt affirmations, which I think is what the psalms mostly must have been meant to be. I do tend to point out to Him that OK now, LOOK! I've done every, single thing I can and am supposed to do. It's all beyond me now, it's YOUR turn, d*mmit and if it's not then you tell me WH*T I should do. BTW, while I'm here menopause s*cks, what's that all about? ' We all have our own forms of conversations with God, that's mine some days.

Sorry I'm always soooo long, you just should not encourage me, Gizmo. You see what happens?

(((((((For all)))))) and shushing now. :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Eleanor, your support and kind and encouraing words help me so much. I am so grateful to you. This support is keeping me going.

Her attorney worked with this judge when they were in the Da's office years ago. She has worked with this judge and will compliment him. I am so grateful for that.

I hate the suspense and I know her husband is a snake, a liar, and a weasel. I have to trust and hope that the facts will speak for themselves.

It is so nice to have him out of the house and not be able to terrorize her.

With my head I know judges see through liars. He is just a very good liar. All he is interested in is getting his guns back.

I am really afraid of this guy. He is so smooth and without remorse. He is so cal, coo, and collected. I am so tired of all of his foolisness.

I have to trust that the facts will speak for themselves. Hugs of gratitude to you.

anni, as ususal your posts cheer me up. I have to trust the judge will see through the lies.

He was arrested and spent the night in jail. A temporary restraingin order was issued against him which he has been respectin except when he had his lawyer ask my daughter for visiting rights to the girls.

My daughter has had enough. She is putting her foot down. She is determined to get him out of her life. She is very strong and determined.

I hate the supsens. I hate and loathe the suspense. I hate to think that my thirteen yr. old granddaughter will have to face him in court as a witness.

He has alot of friends. He has his job. But he also has a court date to face the DA. I am really praying that he will be convicted of a felony of domestic battering. He will be court ordered to anger management, and I hope he gets assigned a parole officer to answer to.

I am so tires of all of this and it is just getting started. The divorce will be ugly. I hope my daughter gets half of his 401K. This will help her to move. She wants to rent a house.

Thank you so much anni for your great support. I am so grateful. Hugs.

 

[safenow]

he had his lawyer ask my daughter for visiting rights to the girls.

Since he is not the biological father, he might not get it. Besides, she can argue that he might use that time to harm the girls just to get at her.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

safenow, He has no rights to the children at all. He did that in hopes my daughter would feel sorry for him, and it would have hurt her restraining order request. She put her foot down and said no.

Thanks for your point of view. He is not safe to be around the girls.

 

[Eleanor]

The waiting and uncertainty are the hardest part. Just keeping bringing yourself to the present "Right now we are all fine." and don't get too strung out into the future or past. Take time to BREATHE. Stretch when it occurs to you. And tell her to too. I'm guessing the thirteen year old will be a champ. One thing about young teens, with any luck at all they have Moral Certainty. Talk to her about how she is feeling about it. I'll bet there is a part of her (maybe a big part) that is looking forward to a chance to even the score with him.

Go get him, gizmo and the girls!