I Feel So Selfish

[Sick of Fear]

I'm sorry everyone. I know I'm new here, and that many of you aren't familiar with me, but I've read some amazing and inspiring posts on this site.

I feel so selfish because I want to help and give advice, but I'm at a loss for words due to my own demons. I feel like I can't help anyone...I can't even help myself.

That said, I HAVE received wonderful advice that I truly am thankful for. I can relate to every post I've read, but so much that it makes me speechless. I don't want anyone on here to feel that I don't care, because I do. As I wrote that last line, inner voice said "nobody's going to think that, nobody's going to care". While that may or may not be so, I wrote it anyway because it's true.

I'm rambling in a way because upon coming to this site, a lot of things I've been suppressing are coming to the surface and frankly, it's more than I can take. I have a strong urge to hide and shut down.

My thoughts and memories are starting to race through my mind as soon as I wake up, and that hasn't happened for a while. I feel myself detaching from what I have thought to be progress, and being ripped away into the person I hate.

I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole, only I'm surrounded with memories and feelings that happened so long ago, and each one picks away at what I thought to be a healing wound. I'm reminded of the people that have hurt me, of those that ive hurt, decisions I have made, and events that I long to go back to and change.

I realize I can't change any of it, that none of it matters now. I'm older, a little wiser, I'm moving forward, so why is all of this crap trying to suck me back in?

I'm not as eloquent as many of you are, and my thoughts are scattered, as you can tell. This is possibly the most random thing I've ever written, but I suppose it needed to come out. Anyway, thank you for reading this, and again, I'm sorry that I can't be of much help to you. All I can say is that on many levels, I relate and understand. I truly do.

 

[Jlso111187]

At first I too felt like I couldnt help people and not replying to posts. It gets eaiser as the time goes on. Take it one day at a time and know that you have support here from all of us.

 

[Sick of Fear]

I can't thank you enough. :hug:

 

[Ice_Fire]

(((((sick of fear))))) I hope you don't mind me sending you a hug. You're welcome here. :)

 

[Hashi]

We all have times when we're not in a place to offer help or advice, sometimes for a very long time. You sound appreciative of how the forum is helping you. I'm glad it is helping, and I think that's enough. :) When you're in the right place you'll be able to offer more, but I wouldn't worry if you don't feel able to at the moment.

I think old stuff that can no longer be changed comes back up again when there's still some processing to do at a deeper level than before. Maybe you still need to grieve for some things, forgive yourself for some things and accept/let go of some things. Easier said than done, I know, but that's healing... I find it's often circular, rather than a straight line always in the same direction.

You seem to be going through a lot. Take good care of yourself.

 

[amethist]

Please try and remember Sick of Fear, that you need to be able to help yourself before you can help anyone else.

We all understand that, and in time you will be able to help someone else. For now though, let those who have the knowledge help you.

 

[The Albatross]

Hey I am well aquainted with that "Alice falling down the rabbit hole" feeling and that's what I was like when I got here. It can get better, and has for me with support.

All the crap is trying to suck you back in because you are perhaps aware and may be changing some habits and new behaviors. Emotional dysregulation is/has been (depending on what day) a problem for me. It improves over time. Be patient with yourself.

 

[Whitneys story]

Sick of Fear, I believe there are no accidents, and I am so glad you have found the Forum.

I refer to the forum as the best place on the planet. You are not alone and I know how safe it is here.

Take your time learning your way around! Between the staff, members and tools available there is something for everyone.

Congratulations on making the biggest step in healing. I wish you much success in your journey. Understanding is key to so many things.

Reading the member rules is very beneficial. I believe they are the success of the forum. We are all respected.

Breath and repeat, it is very healthy! :hug: Whitney

 

[Sick of Fear]

Goodness, I am overwhelmed (in a good way, for once :D) from all of the support and encouragement! Hugs are always welcome and I return them to all of you tenfold if you will accept them. From the bottom of my heart to the depth of my soul, thank you all so very much!

 

[WillThereBeCake]

I'm with you Sick of Fear. I feel bad that I can't "give back" much as far as advice because I have already gained so much from the board. The tips and recommendations here are top notch. The recommended reading list was a lifesaver for me.

I try to do my part by being supportive of others and when I have a few pennies, hitting that donate key to help Anthony, Nicolette and the others keep this wonderful site up and running.

I also have to remind myself that, despite wanting to help others too, I don't know what the heck I'm talking about on the serious stuff, and to hold back until I do. I do know about cake though, and when the experts figure out that cake is a cure, I'm so there! ;)

 

[Core]

I feel so selfish because I want to help and give advice, but I'm at a loss for words due to my own demons. I feel like I can't help anyone...I can't even help myself.

That said, I HAVE received wonderful advice that I truly am thankful for. I can relate to every post I've read, but so much that it makes me speechless. I don't want anyone on here to feel that I don't care, because I do.

I know how you feel. How about challenging yourself and posting anyway? It could be the best advice you can come up at that moment, or a few words of comfort/support. Even if your advice doesn't fix whatever problem the reciever will know that you tried and that you support them, and your advice could be very helpful to a different reader.

 

[The Albatross]

One cool thing to keep in mind, is that each person here has a unique perception and often unique experience to offer to someone else. All contribute for mutual benefit. It is not graded. It is not pass or fail. It is a spectrum of experiences presented to be of good use and maybe help each other. In the kalidescope of experience, there have been people who say I've helped them, and I have said the same. Mutually beneficial. Win/Win. In my opinion.