Dissociative Spells And Omg, Someone Else Is Driving!

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Whilst waiting to see my psychiatrist for advice, I have (on some basic level) come to terms with the fact that there are many parts of me in my head what ever the final diagnosis is or isn't. This in itself was no easy feat, I have always been aware of my other parts on some level. I talked to myself and/or them and thought it was mostly normal. Then when I had one of them scream at me, I freaked and realised it was a bit more than an inner monologue. Either way I've had a pretty steep learning curve with it all and understanding what it might be - I accept on one level that what ever they are, they're not going anywhere and whether someone believes they exist or not, I know they do, so no matter the diagnosis (or lack of), I'm fairly content.

The last week or so, my head's gone quiet, to the extent I began thinking that maybe I was making it all up, maybe I was reading into it all too much. I don't switch in/switch out with them, more like we all blend together, with some being more forward and others less so. It's like sharing the wheel with someone and analogy that I've used but was more than figurative today.

However as I said this has all been less in the last week or so, but I have been dissociating a lot more, in three ways - My most common - I just loose hold of everything, a few seconds or hours may pass, I may be partially aware my surroundings or I may seem to stop existing everything is blank.

The second most common, I feel slightly dizzy and it feels like my awareness is literally the water going down the plug hole, it's like pulling and going slightly round, I can't move because I'm not connected to my body -here I try some grounding techniques as my senses work but they just aren't attached.

Lastly the third way, I feel like I'm different to my body, I can't move my limbs - they feel heavy, my body appears to be sitting propped up by something or standing (and sometimes my fingers are moving by them selves). I feel as if I'm lying down and can't get back up and I think that if I wasn't I wasn't propped up my physical self would have fallen. When I'm standing I can no longer move, if I try nothing happens but I believe if I were successful I would fall.

The last week or so I've been feeling pretty good and though I've felt that something was wrong and I should listen to it, I seemed unable to. Time spent dissociating was high but the times where I wasn't were pretty good, except for short one bout of unexplained, uncontrollable crying. I did try to tell someone that I thought I wasn't ok despite my apparent normality but they agreed how good I'd seemed before I got there and instead I just drifted off. Something hasn't been right. Last night I had a warning and I'm sure I'm in for a new flashback soon *grumble, grumble, so much for the normality*

Today, my driving lesson started and I felt different both distant and more confident/happy at the same time, I should have realised instantly, but I just went with the flow enjoying that bubbliness. I started driving and I felt floaty, almost high and not in control, I didn't think of this as dissociation because of the positivity I felt, retrospectively I know it was as clear as day. All I could think was how fun everything was, so I still didn't realise.

Then I began to notice, mistakes were being made, I couldn't get through what needed to be done - I wasn't really driving, someone else was, I hadn't even noticed. One of me was up front and she was leading, she doesn't know how to drive and I had to try and help her to not cause an accident, but she was finding it too fun and didn't really care. I felt really trapped behind her whereas usually we share, but she's quite domineering. Once she's up front usually I can't get her to back off until she's bored, tired or she gets knocked back into us (she won't get upset or distressed, I don't think she's capable).

Thankfully after several set backs and a lot of me (and other me's) telling her to go back, I took back control. Then I just had to complete my lesson and told my instructor that I knew what happened and I was sorry, he was confused but my driving started to suddenly improve and then I was back to my current standards.

I've never focused on who's up front with me, everyone's always there even if I can't really feel them, they just sort of fade in and out. Sometimes I know some parts are more forward than I am, but I put this down to dissociation. Some are more up front than others and some never come forward. Like I said, I had began to think this was all in my imagination but now, I know that I can definitely loose control to them, that they are irrefutably there and there's no possible way imagination covers it.

I don't know whether this comes under dissociation or symptoms and other disorders, as I suspect it may be another disorder, but I know it's definitely dissociation.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

:S I never can keep them short eh?!

 

[Pencil]

It is long ;), and I can't reply now as I have a deadline, but here's a link to an excellent article you can read in the mean time:

http://

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Thank you Pencil, I have read the entire document. There are things in there that make complete, resounding sense to me relating to what I posted and to other aspects of my life. There are also parts (in particular relating to what I have posted) that I know should make sense but don't. For a lot of this I need to start some therapy, although I some of the later stages in the document have been encouraged by my social worker, I am in no way ready for them.

I would appreciate your full reply when you have some more free time, but thank you in the mean time.

AJ
xx

 

[Pencil]

I had began to think this was all in my imagination but now, I know that I can definitely loose control to them, that they are irrefutably there and there's no possible way imagination covers it.

AJ, I still can't stick around, but it is not your imagination, and yes, it is dissociation. But it is NOT your imagination.

Therapy?

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I'm on a waiting list, I desperately want and need therapy. Every time it's just a little longer, but I've got to the point where I need it now repeatedly.

Sometimes it's so quiet in my head that I am sure I'm the only one there - especially when I try communicating with someone to try and prove that they're there, other times it's so loud, to deny their existence would be more crazy than complete acceptance. That I feel them there almost always is odd when I consider others don't have that. The more accepting I've been, the more I've learned about them.

I've had a pretty good week as I said above and last night my mind wandered to a very specific location, it was like being taken by the hand and led to it. I had flashbacks about events that related to that place a few weeks ago and thought that maybe I was in for a repeat flashback. I have no reason to suspect more events behind it, but a voice said very clearly "No, you're not ready yet". With a lot of my memories, whilst I have no recollection of the events, I feel disturbed/ sickened/ avoidant about something, usually the location or person involved. Because I'd remembered stuff to do with that location, I presumed that was that. I did feel an unpleasant gut feeling (which sometimes means there's more), but it was so fresh in my mind I thought that feeling originated from the memory.

As accepting as I try to be all of this is very confusing and overwhelming. The flashbacks, the dissociation, the people in my head who are me but aren't, the learning and the trying to make sense of it all. Sometimes I feel like crap but know that I'm in a good place, other times I feel good and know that I'm in a bad place. Sometimes I win at a card game but the fireworks award sound makes me jump so much I'm stuck for nearly an hour before I can move. Other times I can be in a tense and awkwardly distressing situation and feel indifferent. Sometimes this website bothers me beyond belief - the front page has changed :S other times I wouldn't be with out it and am so terrified of making a mistake that I don't notice and get booted out. **Sigh**

Thanks Pencil, you don't have to stick around, it was just that you said:

and I can't reply now as I have a deadline

So I presumed you had more to say on the matter, if you don't I'm quite content. :)

Thanks

 

[rainy_daze]

I scored surprisingly high on some disassociation questionnaire and it took my counsellor and I a while to figure out when it was happening or what was happening. I think I am still trying to figure it out. However, now that I know that I tune out for periods of time (my partner says it's like my eyes glaze over) I can try and stay present. It is not easy at all though, it's something I was so unaware of. I would wonder why things took me so long, and at least now I know. I relate to the first one you mentioned, but not the other two. I was glad Pencil passed you on some information, because this isn't something I know a lot about.

I know that I can definitely loose control to them, that they are irrefutably there and there's no possible way imagination covers it.

Kas, is it a good idea to be driving? If you are now aware you can lose control of the car? You could hurt yourself or someone else. I say that out of complete concern for safety and it isn't about upsetting you (it sounds like you have lots to try and cope with at the moment, this question is not to add to it). I realise your driving instructor will have some control of the car. I also appreciate you managed to get yourself back and focus and the rest of the lesson was ok. Well done on coming back, because that sounds like it was difficult to do but you took control back. I hope you can see your psychiatrist soon to discuss it and you find helpful things on the forum.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Kas, is it a good idea to be driving?

This is something I'm terrified of. I need to learn to drive because I can't get away unless I can drive, to me it's more than just a mode of transport - its freedom, plus most jobs require a full driving license. I must admit, there have been times I have gone out for a driving lesson when I would not have driven if I had a full license - the only reasons I have gone is a) I cannot afford to cancel at such short notice and loose all my money and b) that I know I've had the instructor there in the car with me.

I am a pretty rational person, and I realise the dangers, this is one thing that I hadn't really thought about - like I say usually we all blend in with each other and I'm still there more than anyone else, this was odd because I was there less than 50% and therefore not in complete control.

That wasn't to say I still didn't slow/stop at junctions or indicate, it was marginally later I did all of those things if she didn't but it went through her - it mostly affected the one thing I have a problem with the most - clutch control on uphill junctions (I panic that people want me to go faster and stall, go figure). She was still aware of danger, but she was less experienced that I am - she appeared to have taken in some of what I have learned at least - more like me 8 lessons ago.

Either way it's something that is weighing on my mind, but I need to see my Psychiatrist and start therapy, because it could make an enormous change to my life if I did learn. I have already put some rules down that would apply had I not got my instructor right next to me (and do with him there too). Those are:
1: Don't drive on a day you wouldn't normally leave the house (or your room) because you're in a bad place.
2: If you feel uncomfortable/saw something triggering/ start getting a migraine (often a precursor to flashbacks), and now if you even slightly floaty - don't drive or if you are already driving, pull over in a safe place and take a break until you feel better. If you don't feel better catch a taxi home or to a safe place where you can stay for a longer period of time.

I have pulled over in my lessons a few times and usually after a few minutes I'm ok enough to either continue or go home. I don't want to give it up, but I am aware that maybe (probably) I should.

 

[Pencil]

Either way it's something that is weighing on my mind, but I need to see my Psychiatrist and start therapy,

Hi KCF, I read your messages again, and I don't have any expert advice. All I can say is that I really don't think it is your imagination, and that it sounds like dissociation, as I can relate to bits that you said, but there are other things I don't relate to. One person on this forum who might relate is Springer80, and I wonder if it is okay for me to say this.

I can imagine that you are anxious to start therapy, and I think it is important. I know you've expressed mixed feelings about posting on the forum, IF I remember correctly. But I think it is important that you keep this connection until you've sorted out your therapy options.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I go through fazes of posting here, I find it incredibly beneficial, but I find it difficult to keep to the rules when I'm in a bad place - which is ironically when I need to be here the most. I have problems with running to and away from the help of this sight, but I do realise its benefits. They are my own problems and nothing to do with the site itself. Thank you Pencil for all of your help.

 

[Pencil]

I have pulled over in my lessons a few times a

Yes, this sounds like a good thing, BUT,

I had to try and help her to not cause an accident, but she was finding it too fun and didn't really care.

If there is not always an adult in charge (and I don't always have an adult in charge either), it is not a good idea to drive. In fact, letting a child drive is a felony :D

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I go through fazes of posting here, I find it incredibly beneficial, but I find it difficult to keep to the rules when I'm in a bad place - which is ironically when I need to be here the most. I have problems with running to and away from the help of this sight, but I do realise its benefits. They are my own problems and nothing to do with the site itself. Thank you Pencil for all of your help.

Sorry for the double post - the server did not respond in time so I clicked send again (apparently unnecessarily)