Learning To Manage My Emotions

[Red Dog]

I have been in a wonderful relationship for two years. The source of my PTSD is abuse in childhood. My partner also has PTSD but due to another type of trauma. One of the main struggles that I have dealt with (all my life, really) but more so in this relationship has been learning to manage my emotions in a healthy way. I’m sure you already know the story: I go from calm as a cucumber to raging in less than 60 seconds, well, now I am doing *a lot* better and I see myself getting angry and it takes longer to reach rage, but I still just can’t seem to keep my nasty remarks to myself even though I know I will end up hurting my partner and feeling really confused. I know that these remarks are very damaging to our relationship.

If anyone has any suggestions about what I can do or any articles or books where I can do some homework, I would greatly appreciate it. I have thought about trying to go into another room or say some signal to let him know I am angry (and therefore should calm down before talking) like “red flag” or something, but in the heat of the moment I say cruel things that I don’t even believe are true. I don’t want to hurt my partner who I can tell is losing his patience with me (and his response is never to return a hurtful remark, but to say “maybe we should talk later”.

It is so frustrating feeling like I’m out of control. I can hear myself telling myself to be quiet! What do you think?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I used to struggle with my anger. I took a anger management class and it taught me so much. Rare are the days when I lose my temper, but when I do I am very careful. I wish you a good solution to your problem. Rage is a very bad thing between couples and can drive people away. Good luck.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Dear Red Dog,

I know excatly how you feel. And I do almost excatly what you do, except I do very very seldom go into rage. But I do get angry and hurt so easily.

It seems to me, that my emotions get mixed up somehow. I can not tell past hurt and present hurt apart and I also get ready for future hurt. Mostly in situations that proberly would not even affect other people in their relationship.

I say things I do not mean when I am in that state. And like you, me inner voice tells me to stop. Afterwards I feel guilt. I have been open about this to my partner, so he has started to figure out what is going on, and that it really has nothing to do with him, that he is not responsible for my very strong reaction to the conflict or situation. But while I am in it, it just takes me over, and I can't stop.

I am afraid it will ruin our relationship in the long run. I feel like such a "troublemaker". For me, I think it all comes down to some sort of testing because of my serious trust issues: Will he also leave, hurt and abandon me? Is he trustworthy? Is anyone? As a defence mechanism, I then push him away verbally, because there is a strong urge in me, when I am in that state of emotions, to just end the relationship before I get "screwed over". Eventhough I know in my heart he is one of the good guys. But that is of course not what I truely want. It is fear talking.

 

[Red Dog]

Crazy Horse,

Reading your post is like peeking into my mind. This is exactly how I feel. The problem is that once you've said what you've said, you can't take it back. No matter how much you explain it away. That's what scares me the most. It's crazy, I know, but I think that because my partner also has PTSD, he is more understanding, but ultimately the success of our relationship has been our connection and our determination to not give up on each other. We are on the same team, I forget that when I am angry.

For a while there, I would just fee sorry for myself, telling myself "This is yet another thing that will be stolen from me, I can't even enjoy what I always wanted (a true companion)." In my family, as in many families with generational traumatic histories, everyone plays the victim. No matter what the situation, they figure out a way to say someone else is to blame and to make others feel sorry for them. I am tired of that role. I am so sick of feeling sorry for myself. What helps me in my angry moments is remembering that all of the other courageous things I have done, other times when I thought I wouldn't survive, but I did, and I know I am strong enough to heal myself.

I have definitely thought before that my angry outbursts are because I am still testing him. That is part of it for sure, but I think for me, it's also that I'm used to fighting (and very good at it), I'm used to never knowing what might happen since I was a child. I read a brilliant book recently where the author (an MD) talks about studies where young rats were zapped with electric shocks and when set free, they would always come back to the shocks. Because that is what they know. If all you've ever known is unpredictable, abusive relationships, it's incredibly difficult to break the compulsion to repeat it.

One thing that really helped me was when my therapist said that I was being "verbally abusive". For some reason, when she used those words it made me realize that (1) this was clearly a symptom of my PTSD and not something I needed to place blame on myself for and (2) this behavior was not acceptable, not something I can sit here and rationalize because I know I don't want to continue the cycle. I think to myself, "do I really want to be like my mom and other family and abuse the one I love?" Never.

For me it's getting away from him long enough to relax (I take a bath and cry my eyes out) and regulate my emotions, why I feel that way, and see how I am distorting reality (what lies am I telling myself?) I do it later after we finish arguing anyway, why not do it before it comes out of my mouth? One thing that might help is to write yourself a love letter so when you get angry, the letter will remind you of how much you trust and love your partner and how you really don't want to hurt him. It's worth a shot.

 

[CrazyHorse]

We are on the same team, I forget that when I am angry.

it's also that I'm used to fighting (and very good at it), I'm used to never knowing what might happen since I was a child.

For me it's getting away from him long enough to relax (I take a bath and cry my eyes out) and regulate my emotions, why I feel that way, and see how I am distorting reality (what lies am I telling myself?)

Red Dog, I so relate to all of that too!

 

[Red Dog]

I think maybe I might try an anger management class or something. I am still progressing very slowly and I don't know how much I can take of arguing. I just feel so isolated, like no one understands. Even when I try really hard, I feel like he doesn't even notice how hard I'm trying. I feel like he thinks he's perfect and I'm always the bad guy or that he doesn't want to see that it's not that I "just can't keep my mouth shut" but that this rage is a symptom of my PTSD.

 

[intrasearching]

I just want to say I relate extremely well to both of you and I find some slight comfort in that...