I Can Do This
Silver Member
You are more powerful than PTSD - you just need help finding the tools inside of you - but they are there, I promise.
I just saw that the book "Waking The Tiger" is on the book list on this website - Dr. Peter Levine is the one that wrote it and he is the man who developed SE trauma therapy. His book isn't the most entertaining writing I've ever seen IMO but I know the local libraries carry it if you want info on SE from the source. Men seem to like this book more than women. If you like to read and have a library (free) let me know, I read constantly and it has made my healing much quicker than just therapy alone.
I was floored by your post because I am unemployed too! It actually is what broke me all the way down and forced me into therapy because I couldn't function when I lost my job. My job was my identity too. I had no clue who I was without a job - and I believed I had no value on earth without one. I felt I didn't have the right to breathe. I also "used" my job as a way to keep my mind busy so I couldn't hear all those horrible thoughts my ego was telling me. Without anything to distract me from those "voices" in my head I fell apart completely. My worst fear came true.
It is a long story but the person that took away my job was a match to a person in my childhood - and my PTSD was triggered big time. I had no idea it was PTSD though. I thought I had depression and anxiety. I was correctly diagnosed a year ago as I said before and I finally feel strong enough to work again (actually I've never felt this strong before). I had a 2nd interview for a really good job last week - and my fingers are crossed that it will be my turn this time. I've been going through this for 5 years so I understand the things you are saying about your job search and your current employer. I've been through it all and it hasn't been fun.
The worst part is applying for jobs and being rejected over and over again, or just plain ignored. It is incredibly painful. I have a difficult time applying anymore because it is so painful and every other person who is going through this is experiencing the same thing. I have connected with several people that can't apply every day because it hurts too much and sends them into emotional devastation.
California has very high unemployment - so that makes people even more cutthroat and competitive. I'm in Kansas City and our situation is bad - if I lived in Texas I would be hired immediately. I've gotten so frustrated at times because I have done everything a person can do: I got my bachelor's and master's degrees since I lost my job so I would be at the top of the resume stack, I have kept up my professional certifications, my resume shows I am working as a consultant (all the temp jobs I have taken) so it doesn't look like I don't have a job, I have taken my resume through an entire office building dropping it off in every suite, I have applied for jobs in other states and would commit to long distance commute but the employer didn't "feel comfortable" with it, I have taken my resume to the employer personally, I have tried networking, I use agencies, I apply online, I go to corporate websites and check for jobs that aren't advertised. You name it - been there, done it. It's hell.
So I get how it "feels" like you went in the wrong career direction because I have felt the same way myself - however, I am passionate about what I do (HR) and I just can't give up on it. Here is also what I know - I have accounting skills and a finance degree so I have applied for a variety of positions that I am qualified for. There is a shortage of jobs in EVERY line of work. So even if you picked another field you would be encountering the same problem. So if you have to go through this hell, the outcome has to be something that makes it worth the the struggle - a job that you are passionate about. I can't put myself through this horror for a job that feels like I'm in hell every day - then what have I gained? Money? Not worth living in hell.
So - about your boss. What you are struggling with is something that I recently had to work on myself - boundaries. My therapist suggested a great book (called Boundaries by Henry Cloud) and it really helped me see what I am responsible for and what I am not. So I get that you don't want to be fired for being human - you are so right about that, it would be very unfair. But holding your power and your boundary is about your life and what you will accept or not accept - if the consequences are that you lose this job then you have to still be strong enough to live with that. Remember - the decisions we make out of fear will bite us in the ass. So, your fear is being fired for being human - so you give and give and put your whole life on hold in case she might want you on any given day. You don't want to disappoint her and you do like what you are doing - all you are asking for is predictability - but you feel guilty.
Your boss may have recognized this quality in you and chose you because she can impose on your boundaries! You really don't know. What I know is that the text you sent her was you demonstrating your own power and your boundary! Yea!! But she still came back vague - hmmmmmm that is suspect to me. Is she pushy or arrogant? What I would do - after reading that book - is I would be available on the 2 days she confirmed and plan my sunday with my aunt. She has dropped her own ball - it is her business, she should be able to project what she needs, do they have appointments on the books! I think it is important for you to let her suffer any consequences for own behavior that may or may not result.
If she only wants you 2 days a week then maybe she needs a second person to be available for 2 days a week too! Each of you get a schedule that you can count on. Seems logical to me. Anyway, her business is her problem - your life is yours. If you had car trouble would she drive over to pick you up and take you to work or would it be your responsibility to get there? If she is disappointed because you can't be there on a moment's notice then she will have to learn how to plan better. That is hers - if she should try to make you feel bad then she is manipulating you - and that means she is violating your boundaries! When people violate your boundaries they do this by making you feel responsible for their feelings. The get mad, disappointed, cry, give you the cold shoulder, gossip, etc. This is all in an effort to control you and make you give in to their demands.
So whatever feelings rise in you are yours to handle - and whatever feelings rise in others are theirs to handle. Blaming others for our feelings is manipulation.
If you are having trouble finding your identity and maintaining it - I still think that comes back to not loving or trusting yourself. This is also what makes you so empathetic and kind. So you want to keep the good qualities but trust yourself more. Maintain your center by trusting that your heart was in the right place when you made your decisions. Even when you are wrong, you can still maintain your center because your intentions aren't about being right or wrong - they are only about your heart. Learn from the mistake but trust that YOU came from a loving place. This keeps you separate from others. If you can TRUST that you heart was in your intention - that is all you have to trust! Do you see? You don't have to trust that you have all the answers and know the right thing to do - you just have to trust that you know your heart was behind your words and actions.
Let me know what you think - can't wait to hear.
I just saw that the book "Waking The Tiger" is on the book list on this website - Dr. Peter Levine is the one that wrote it and he is the man who developed SE trauma therapy. His book isn't the most entertaining writing I've ever seen IMO but I know the local libraries carry it if you want info on SE from the source. Men seem to like this book more than women. If you like to read and have a library (free) let me know, I read constantly and it has made my healing much quicker than just therapy alone.
I was floored by your post because I am unemployed too! It actually is what broke me all the way down and forced me into therapy because I couldn't function when I lost my job. My job was my identity too. I had no clue who I was without a job - and I believed I had no value on earth without one. I felt I didn't have the right to breathe. I also "used" my job as a way to keep my mind busy so I couldn't hear all those horrible thoughts my ego was telling me. Without anything to distract me from those "voices" in my head I fell apart completely. My worst fear came true.
It is a long story but the person that took away my job was a match to a person in my childhood - and my PTSD was triggered big time. I had no idea it was PTSD though. I thought I had depression and anxiety. I was correctly diagnosed a year ago as I said before and I finally feel strong enough to work again (actually I've never felt this strong before). I had a 2nd interview for a really good job last week - and my fingers are crossed that it will be my turn this time. I've been going through this for 5 years so I understand the things you are saying about your job search and your current employer. I've been through it all and it hasn't been fun.
The worst part is applying for jobs and being rejected over and over again, or just plain ignored. It is incredibly painful. I have a difficult time applying anymore because it is so painful and every other person who is going through this is experiencing the same thing. I have connected with several people that can't apply every day because it hurts too much and sends them into emotional devastation.
California has very high unemployment - so that makes people even more cutthroat and competitive. I'm in Kansas City and our situation is bad - if I lived in Texas I would be hired immediately. I've gotten so frustrated at times because I have done everything a person can do: I got my bachelor's and master's degrees since I lost my job so I would be at the top of the resume stack, I have kept up my professional certifications, my resume shows I am working as a consultant (all the temp jobs I have taken) so it doesn't look like I don't have a job, I have taken my resume through an entire office building dropping it off in every suite, I have applied for jobs in other states and would commit to long distance commute but the employer didn't "feel comfortable" with it, I have taken my resume to the employer personally, I have tried networking, I use agencies, I apply online, I go to corporate websites and check for jobs that aren't advertised. You name it - been there, done it. It's hell.
So I get how it "feels" like you went in the wrong career direction because I have felt the same way myself - however, I am passionate about what I do (HR) and I just can't give up on it. Here is also what I know - I have accounting skills and a finance degree so I have applied for a variety of positions that I am qualified for. There is a shortage of jobs in EVERY line of work. So even if you picked another field you would be encountering the same problem. So if you have to go through this hell, the outcome has to be something that makes it worth the the struggle - a job that you are passionate about. I can't put myself through this horror for a job that feels like I'm in hell every day - then what have I gained? Money? Not worth living in hell.
So - about your boss. What you are struggling with is something that I recently had to work on myself - boundaries. My therapist suggested a great book (called Boundaries by Henry Cloud) and it really helped me see what I am responsible for and what I am not. So I get that you don't want to be fired for being human - you are so right about that, it would be very unfair. But holding your power and your boundary is about your life and what you will accept or not accept - if the consequences are that you lose this job then you have to still be strong enough to live with that. Remember - the decisions we make out of fear will bite us in the ass. So, your fear is being fired for being human - so you give and give and put your whole life on hold in case she might want you on any given day. You don't want to disappoint her and you do like what you are doing - all you are asking for is predictability - but you feel guilty.
Your boss may have recognized this quality in you and chose you because she can impose on your boundaries! You really don't know. What I know is that the text you sent her was you demonstrating your own power and your boundary! Yea!! But she still came back vague - hmmmmmm that is suspect to me. Is she pushy or arrogant? What I would do - after reading that book - is I would be available on the 2 days she confirmed and plan my sunday with my aunt. She has dropped her own ball - it is her business, she should be able to project what she needs, do they have appointments on the books! I think it is important for you to let her suffer any consequences for own behavior that may or may not result.
If she only wants you 2 days a week then maybe she needs a second person to be available for 2 days a week too! Each of you get a schedule that you can count on. Seems logical to me. Anyway, her business is her problem - your life is yours. If you had car trouble would she drive over to pick you up and take you to work or would it be your responsibility to get there? If she is disappointed because you can't be there on a moment's notice then she will have to learn how to plan better. That is hers - if she should try to make you feel bad then she is manipulating you - and that means she is violating your boundaries! When people violate your boundaries they do this by making you feel responsible for their feelings. The get mad, disappointed, cry, give you the cold shoulder, gossip, etc. This is all in an effort to control you and make you give in to their demands.
So whatever feelings rise in you are yours to handle - and whatever feelings rise in others are theirs to handle. Blaming others for our feelings is manipulation.
If you are having trouble finding your identity and maintaining it - I still think that comes back to not loving or trusting yourself. This is also what makes you so empathetic and kind. So you want to keep the good qualities but trust yourself more. Maintain your center by trusting that your heart was in the right place when you made your decisions. Even when you are wrong, you can still maintain your center because your intentions aren't about being right or wrong - they are only about your heart. Learn from the mistake but trust that YOU came from a loving place. This keeps you separate from others. If you can TRUST that you heart was in your intention - that is all you have to trust! Do you see? You don't have to trust that you have all the answers and know the right thing to do - you just have to trust that you know your heart was behind your words and actions.
Let me know what you think - can't wait to hear.
