Relationship Support Needed

[Livy's Mom]

Hi everyone. After a month separation my sufferer who has combat PTSD and PTSD from childhood sexual abuse came home to my daughter and I. Things were not bad and I felt like I was doing a much better job than I had ever done with dealing with PTSD.

When he came home we discussed the ways I had been triggering him and the behaviors I had a hard time accepting.

He is a high functioning alcoholic and likes to stop off at the local bar and will drink and drive. This is pretty much the only behavior I asked him to stop. I even told him I would drop him off and pick him up if he wanted to have a few drinks. At the time he found this reasonable.

He refused to get any kind of treatment and I had foolishly accepted that. I think I was just so desperate to have him back home that I honestly would have said yes if he had requested I shave my head.

3 weeks later...

On two occasions he made his bar pit stops and drove intoxicated. Yesterday was one of them.

Prior to his pit stop yesterday he spent the day obsessing about his abuser after seeing a news story about a molestation case. He was trying to find his abuser on the sex offender registry and he wasn't there. He made phone calls only to find out that the abuser was not required to publicly register.

After all of that he went out to visit a friend, hit the bar and drive home drunk. I attempted to intervene by offering a tide home since I anticipated this behavior. He text me saying he was fine and he would drive. When he got home he slept on the couch.

I sent him a message today saying he shouldn't have driven and I can't understand why he can't respect my feelings about it blah blah blah

I get home from work and his car is packed with all of his things. He told me he warned me he wasn't gonna live this way and goodbye. He left.

My apologies for the length but Someone please help me find the strength to deal.

 

[dms]

WOW! Sorry.

 

[discarded]

You set your boundaries and he broke them. It was not unreasonable to request he not drive when drinking, not just for his own sake but for other innocent people on the roads. You offered him solutions that still allowed him to drink, he declined. He needs professional help but is not yet and may never be willing to seek it.

Unfortunately this is the nature of the beast. As a supporter we try our best to help them as much as we can but we should not encourage their destructive behaviour when others are at risk because of it. Just let him be for now. He is probably not in a good enough place to either welcome or want your advice and it will only push him away further.

 

[amethist]

He is probably not in a good enough place to either welcome or want your advice and it will only push him away further.

I have to agree with discarded here, let him be on his own and sort his own s##t out for a while.

Giving him another option rather than drink and drive putting himself and other innocent people at risk is a good boundary for you to set, but if he breaks that then he needs to think again.

If he comes back, then insist that he does not drink and drive, but if he does he risks loosing you all together.

Sometimes we have to stand back and ask ourselves what advice would we give some one else in our position. The answers can be quite mind blowing at times.

Take care and don't take anything you would not give.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Thank you for your responses. I thought that was an obvious boundary to set and I shouldn't feel bad about speaking up about it. I have found myself since he left saying things like "maybe I should have just said nothing" or "maybe he wasn't drunk" but I know the truth.

The truth is that he didn't leave because I brought up the drinking and driving. He left because he was triggered by the abuser situation and the stress of me bringing up the "drinking" was just not to his liking. I can walk on eggshells with the best of them but come on now.

If he can't give not one single inch then I am certainly fighting a losing battle. You are absolutely right about asking ourselves what advice we would give others but holy crap is it hard to walk away from this man.

I will stand by him no matter what but I have found I am losing myself. I told my friend the other day that I feel like he doesn't even really know who I really am because I have tried so hard to not disturb him for the sake of keeping our family together. That hurts me.

 

[nursenurse]

I am so sorry for you. There is a difference between standing by and being stood upon, and you are in the latter. I know how hard it is to let go of someone. Your guy seems hell bent on self destruction, and there isn't a thing you can do about it. You were enabling his alcoholism by driving and picking him up from the bar, but I honestly understand why you did that. Who knows what lives you may have saved those times.

It is time he take responsibility for his behaviour, and as you well know, some folks have to be at rock bottom, and lose everything, before they can claw their way up. It has nothing to do with you. Which is why it hurts, because just once, it would be nice to be included in the process of getting well, that all we did was not in vain, and was appreciated. And then, maybe, they just don't want and love the same things we want and love, or are incapable of it.

I lost myself in a bad marriage. Who I was was insidiously submerged under who I had to be to keep the peace. It was not a nice way to live, and it was unsustainable and detrimental to me and my daughter, even though she was older. I left, and it took me five years to become what I am now. Every so often I still hear the names, the yelling, and little parts of me still see myself as unworthy of certain things, but I am trying. I have found me. And I finally like me once again. It would be better if it was minus a few pounds, though :)

Do not lose yourself for someone who is incapable of appreciating the warm, wonderful woman that you are. You have the right to be loved and cared for in a manner that is worthy. PTSD does not excuse bad behaviour. It explains sorrow, it explains isolation, it explains fears. It explains the base of a lot of emotions that most of us never really think of on a day to day basis. But drinking and driving is bad behaviour. It's downright dangerous. That would be a deal breaker for me. He is playing Russian Roulette not only with himself, but with the lives of innocent people. You don't need to be a part of that.

If and when he decides to become the person he is truly meant to be, he will come around. Keep yourself and your daughter well and safe. Keep your boundaries solid. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Support him, but do not be his crutch. Hugs and prayers to you and your daughter.

 

[Eleanor]

I second all of what nursenurse said.

Someone please help me find the strength to deal.

This may sound a bit hard hearted - and truly my heart is with you. But you asked for strength - so here is a reality check that will hopefully get your feet on the ground and refocus you so you can mourn and go on.

First - you are better off without this man in your home. What does he contribute to the quality of your life? Walking on eggshells is so much fun, right?

Second - Your daughter does not need to watch you enable a man who will not care for himself or anyone else and ACTIVELY endangers innocent strangers by driving drunk. How many children have been on the road when he drives? Has he killed anyones pet yet? He will. Your daughter does not need to have a mother whose entire bandwidth is caught up in the drama of such a man.

Third - you have not failed him, as you cannot fix him. He has failed to be a minimal partner to you. That should be a deal breaker.

Fourth - I am guessing you have not been taking care of yourself very well, as you've spent the majority of your energy on worrying about his next crisis. Or am I totally off base? You are no good to anyone if you get sick or are totally frazzled.

Fifth - Your boundary was a lot more generous than mine would have been. And he BLEW right through it. I wish You had kicked Him out. Don't let him back. If you want to be well, if you want him to be well, DONT LET HIM BACK until he is at least six months clean and sober and in treatment for the PTSD.

Last, and possibly hardest. You chose someone with PTSD. You CHOSE him. From everything I have seen, that means that YOU have some major emotional wounds of your own that need healing. Please take all the love and concern and energy you were spending on HIM and direct them toward healing yourself. You deserve this. Your daughter deserves this. He will heal or he won't but once YOU heal (which you have control over) you will find someone as healthy as you and be able to model a healthy relationship for your daughter. Don't set a bad example for her. And don't spend your life tilting at (unworthy) windmills.

Wishing you peace and healing...

 

[Livy's Mom]

Ouch Eleanor. The truth does in fact hurt. I need to hear these things. When I read your post I cried. Obviously because it is what I already know but am too afraid to face.

I've been in my own therapy for 10 years.... I recently decided I need to change therapists because after that long I'm still repeating the same behaviors. I don't know if the relationship with this T is the right fit. Who knows.

I do want to show my daughter a different example. I want her to grow up with self love and respect. She's so young right now and I have an opportunity to do that. My window of opportunity is closing.

Everything you said was 100% accurate but you already knew that. We all try to convince ourselves that our story is different in an effort to justify staying or justify the excuses we make. Even right now I am having thoughts of "we'll they don't know him".... How sad.

The facts are the facts. There is PTSD and then there is just bad behavior and disrespect. I have been subject to the latter.

 

[Nicolette]

If you realise you deserve better, better will come into your life. :hug:

 

[discarded]

Don't beat yourself up Livy's Mom, most of us have had similar struggles to you, hoping that that things would change, hoping that everyone was wrong in our case. Sadly, we speak from experience. If they won't get treatment there really is little hope.

 

[p-no]

If he can't give not one single inch then I am certainly fighting a losing battle. You are absolutely right about asking ourselves what advice we would give others but holy crap is it hard to walk away from this man.

Livy's Mom, one of the things I've done to grow is ask myself what advice I would give others. Then I noticed the huge gap between what I did and what "I would do". Holy crap alright. Sometimes I only learn, really learn, so that it has consequences for my life, by being told the truth bluntly, so that it hurts, so that I really truly get it on all levels, whereas I have known for a long time already then. I second what Eleanor said.

Another thing I have done to learn about me and that huge gap between my own behaviour, perceptions, judgement etc. was rereading my own posts over and over again. Not just once. Because, seriously, you are expressing in your own posts what you need to understand in order to move on, change. When you read your own posts with the openness and compassion you would give to another person, you may see what all this has really done to you and what it really is you want and desire. I sometimes pretend to be reading the post I wrote as if it were written by someone else (non-defined), just a stranger's post. That often makes all the difference. It is when I look at myself as someone on the outside that I get the deepest insight into my own self.

I will stand by him no matter what but I have found I am losing myself.

People saying something like this make me feel very desperate and hurt, sometimes angry and compassionate, all at the same time. "No matter what" does include very many things. It's a black-and-white term and, literally, it comprises many things that I can think of that I can only hope from the bottom of my heart that you do not mean it to comprise when you say this. I have become very aware of what language I have used and use. I very conscientiously phrase what I really want to say. No, certainly not perfect. But reading my own posts has made me see what it really was what I was actually saying. I said the same thing about my ex-husband and ex-partners, who were all abusive.

Please do not stand by him no matter what. People who abuse others are enabled in their behaviours of abuse not only but also BECAUSE people stand by them no matter what! "No matter what" is not a compliment.

He is a high functioning alcoholic and likes to stop off at the local bar and will drink and drive.

From a language perspective, you are saying that he is this way, as a "general default setting", so to speak. He has continued to be this way and shown this behaviour, despite accepting your boundaries in words. Not in action. In my view, it was not even about crossing your boundary, but not drinking when driving is a basic need and prerequisite within a society for keeping each other safe. He did not just cross your boundary, he crossed mine as well. And those of all who are out there trusting that people will not take unnecessary risks to hurt anybody else.

By standing by him no matter what, you would cross my boundaries as well. Because you would accept his endangering me and others.

Who knows what lives you may have saved those times.

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Up until I was three, I grew up at my grandparents' house. Officially, before the law, my grandmother had become my legal mother. I remember little, what I remember is feeling cared for by her, maybe "safe" would be a good word. The reason I wrote "I remember" is that she is dead. One evening, she and her friends from a crafts group of women walked down our road. They were about 15 women walking in two groups. They were carrying lights because there was no sidewalk for about 100 m of the road. She was about 100 m away from our home when a drunk driver had the impulse of wanting to hit the groups of women with his car, intentionally, as I would call it, under the influence, of course, "because of drunk driving", as the judge put it and because of the alcohol, he got away with one year on probation, not one day in prison. The "intention" of hurting those women was clear to the judge; it is stated in the records. The drunk driver hat droven into one group of women, driven backwards out of the group he had just crashed into and driven into the other group. Two women died, my one aunt almost died. Several severely injured. One of the women who died was my grandmother.

I am not saying everything would have been great and I would have a terrific life if I had grown up with my grandmother. I just wanted to give you a true account of things as they can happen and do.

***TRIGGER WARNING END***

I do want to show my daughter a different example. I want her to grow up with self love and respect. She's so young right now and I have an opportunity to do that.

You do have an opportunity to do that. It is not enough to be an example yourself though, for example by you not driving while drunk. It's equally important that people you choose to be around you and your daughter show the same behaviour that you want her to learn.


I hope you will believe me that nothing I have said in this post is said to cause you pain. I hope very much that you will find what it is you need to live your life and your daughter's, so to speak, the way you really want to, the way is good for you and her, and that you'll go looking to find that until you have found it. I am wishing you well.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Ugh... I feel very exposed right now. I feel stupid for enabling him in an effort to hang on to my family. The cost of this is so high. Not just for me but for so many others.

I'm only allowing those feelings to sit for a minute. A small pity party is in order then a rebirth. I was once a very powerful woman. I still am somewhere under this mess. I have to dig it out.

I had plans about how I was going to be as a mother. The things I would teach her, the kind of mother I would be. I lost sight of that. That will be my focus. Not him. I can't be the mother I want to be to her without fixing myself so her and I both win.

Prime-no your post was powerful and made me feel both empowered and awful. I intend to read it again and again if need be. I did read my own posts and I felt silly. I felt silly because I had some good advice that I just didn't take!

Thank heavens for this forum and for all of you.