I Hyper Hate Hyper Vigilance

[BlackbirdSinging]

That more than nagging more than scary feeling when hyper vigilance thinks it recognizes a behavior from someone that somehow reminds me of abuse I endured for years by an ex. I really hate that.

I hate the way it sees what it wants to and lies to me trying and sometimes convincing me of what it thinks it sees. It make me feel crazy. Like I can't tell reality from fear. I hate it so much. I wish there was a magic pill to take that would make it go away forever. I feel so tormented and tortured by it.

I also hate flashbacks. And I really hate when I have them and don't recognize them as flashbacks until after they're over. How am I even ever going to learn how to cope with flashbacks if I can't even recognize them as I'm having them? I know I'm not but I feel so hopeless right now. Anyone else ever feel like this?

 

[quaintpapercut]

How am I even ever going to learn how to cope with flashbacks if I can't even recognize them as I'm having them? I know I'm not but I feel so hopeless right now. Anyone else ever feel like this?

I hate it to and have felt the same way. Until recently, half the time I didn't realize what was happening until after the fact. I'm getting better at recognizing when it's happening though . There still a powerful force but I'm slowly getting some awareness of what goes on for me. Do you have any markers that you can use as a gauge? One of mine is my boyfriend. I look at him differently - its like I'm peering at my life through a different set of eyes.

Every time my hyper vigilance lowers I'm at risk for either flashbacks or becoming emotionally flooded. I experience the same thing as you in that I experience a disconnect in my reality and see danger in places that it doesn't exist. It's exhausting.

Right now I'm living through a constant cycle of hyper vigilance, flashback backs and emotional flooding. It's tough but I know its because I'm diving into the wreckage for the first time ever. I don't think I'm going to get rid of them anytime soon, so I'm trying to focus on managing them as best as I can and trying to extend the times in between. I'm not sure if that was helpful as I'm in the same boat as you. I hope you don't feel alone with it.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I experience the same thing as you in that I experience a disconnect in my reality and see danger in places that it doesn't exist. It's exhausting.

Right now I'm living through a constant cycle of hyper vigilance, flashback backs and emotional flooding. It's tough but I know its because I'm diving into the wreckage for the first time ever. I don't think I'm going to get rid of them anytime soon, so I'm trying to focus on managing them as best as I can and trying to extend the times in between. I'm not sure if that was helpful as I'm in the same boat as you. I hope you don't feel alone with it.

Thank you so much. So much of what you said is so similar to what I'm going through. I'm sorry you're going through it. Though it does help to know I'm not alone. I know I can't be the only person going through it. So it's very validating to read.

This is the first time I'm "diving into the wreckage" too and its so hard. Sometimes I'd rather just suppress it all again and go numb again. But I know the PTSD will still be there like it has been for years.

I think you're showing a lot of courage. It's hard to do all of this work and go through all of this stuff. I'm going through an almost constant for me pattern of flashbacks, anger, and a lot of anxiety, depression and hyper vigilance. And as you said its exhausting. If I'm not dealing with that during the day it's nightmares at night which makes me not want to sleep.

I know with more therapy and work and time it will get better. But when you're in that moment and you're sure you're looking danger right in the face it's so hard to think past that moment.

 

[I Can Do This]

If either of you are interested there was I book I read shortly after I was diagnosed that helped me so much. I swear I felt I was being soothed and healed by the words on the page. It is called The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron.

 

[MouseWedger]

I hate the way it sees what it wants to and lies to me trying and sometimes convincing me of what it thinks it sees. It make me feel crazy. Like I can't tell reality from fear.

BlackBird, I can really appreciate this. Hyper vigilance can be either a good or a bad thing - it all depends on how you choose to see it. When I first began to dive into the hole of amnesia my therapist and I now realize I have due to the extreme abuse I endured as a child, the hyper vigilance caused me to not sleep for days. Every creak, every thud of a dorm room door at school, every time I heard running feet it was something coming for me that I could never put my finger on until dissociation kicked in, eventually shut off, and left me soaked in my own fear sweat. Later I learned to accept the hyper vigilance, and realized that it serves a purpose - it is there to help me realize that my mind is trying to cope with something, whether or not it, my mind, chooses to let my conscious in on what's happening. I have learned to maybe not love the feeling, but to accept that my brain is working through something at that point. I have a stuffed bear from my childhood that I grab onto when things get really hairy, and he keeps me grounded and aware of the fact that nothing can hurt me anymore.

I also hate flashbacks. And I really hate when I have them and don't recognize them as flashbacks until after they're over.

Flashbacks are another "fun" thing to learn to cope with, and another thing that Mr Tumbles, my bear, really comes in handy with. My husband realizes how important that silly bear is when things get ... funny. He has learned to recognize when I am having my penguin moments (we call them this so that if we are in the middle of something and I begin to dissociate or have a flashback I can say "penguins" and he will know we need to go home or that people need to clear out so that I can feel safe - its a random word that almost never comes up in ordinary conversation. A safe word, if you will.) and always first asks if I need him to go and get my bear from our room. Holding onto that bear allows me to stay grounded through the flashbacks in that I can smell the way he smells, I can feel the cloth he is made from, I can squeeze his legs and odd little tail if I need to and keep myself in the real world while my mind fights the demons from the world it lives in.

You will learn to recognize when you start to have a flashback - your mind knows that it needs to give you enough advanced warning to get to a place you feel safe, unfortunately it doesn't always come across as a clear radio mayday signal, especially in the beginning. Give yourself time, don't beat yourself up over all of this too much. PTSD is extremely complex in how it causes the brain to function. It changes everything on a basic chemical level. You've been through something awful and your resilient mind and body are trying to bounce back the only way they know how - reliving things piece by piece until they aren't big scary demons lurking around the corner. DO something nice for yourself today, ok?

Happy thoughts,
MouseWedger

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I have learned to maybe not love the feeling, but to accept that my brain is working through something at that point. I have a stuffed bear from my childhood that I grab onto when things get really hairy, and he keeps me grounded and aware of the fact that nothing can hurt me anymore.

You will learn to recognize when you start to have a flashback - your mind knows that it needs to give you enough advanced warning to get to a place you feel safe, unfortunately it doesn't always come across as a clear radio mayday signal, especially in the beginning. Give yourself time, don't beat yourself up over all of this too much. PTSD is extremely complex in how it causes the brain to function. It changes everything on a basic chemical level. You've been through something awful and your resilient mind and body are trying to bounce back the only way they know how - reliving things piece by piece until they aren't big scary demons lurking around the corner. DO something nice for yourself today, ok?

Thank you. You have given me a whole new way to consider my symptoms. I really appreciate all that you said. And I like your coping mechanisms. I think it's great that you have such a supporting husband too.

I just had one of the most awful flashbacks I've ever had. I had a bad night's sleep. When I woke up the feeling has stayed with me. I hate when that happens. Something key happened this time though. Before the flashback started I started feeling increasing anxiety.

I was chatting with a friend online and excused myself from the conversation stating I was apparently having a moment. I got up and grabbed a homeopathic stress tab and tried to do some deep breathing to help my anxiety. The next thing I knew I was curled up in a ball sobbing and feeling very scared. I was clinging to my pillow clutching it tightly to me. I started shaking.

In my mind I was there again. Like it was happening again right that second. All of the sensations were so intense. It took me a few minutes before I stopped sobbing. I laid there just trying to catch my breath. And during the process I had realized while it was happening that I was flashing back. That's huge for me. It was also huge that I was able to recognize the anxiety as it started.

It was a horrible experience but thankfully this time I was able to recognize. I'm grateful for that part. Now I just feel emotionally exhausted. I think I'm going to have tea and take it easy today. Thank you again for what you said.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I've decided that hypervigilance is like having a radio playing in my head on the loudest setting. And the noise coming from it is so loud that it's louder than my logical thought. And when it's really bad I can't turn the volume down or off or even unplug the radio. And if someone has triggered my hypervigilance it's like I'm looking at them and it looks like they're the one singing the song at their loudest volume. Even if they're not. And I start reacting to them as if they are. Maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone else. But today it fit for me.

I wish I had tools to cope with this but I feel like I don't. And I feel like if I take anymore deep breaths I'm going to hyperventilate. How do you cope with hypervigilance? Does it ever go away? Does it ever get better?

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I should have added that it feels that way when the hypervigilance starts telling me there is danger. That the ideas and feelings come to me as loudly as a radio stuck on high. No matter what I do or how much I try to ignore the "warnings" they just keep screaming at me.