Making "friends" With My Ptsd

[Don't trip]

Hello,

I'm currently in a struggle that I'd like to share and hoping for some feedback.

It's taken me awhile, but I feel very frustrated with everything I read about PTSD. I feel it's peppered with an underlying "you'll get over it' tone, rather than "here's how best to manage' tone.

Let me explain why I feel that way. I have been having to come to terms with a lot of illness, the breakup and subsequent fallout of my last abusive relationship and a lifetime of chronic abuse. There were things I did prior to diagnosis, that always frustrated me. My PTSD out of control, I have always had this 'go get em' attitude, but I would lose heart through most things and could never complete. School, work, relationships...I don't know what it was and I still don't, but I've never managed to maintain consistency in most things I've been passionate about or have done (exception-staying in abusive relationships longer than I should have).

This creates feelings of failure for me. And I HAVE been a failure at anything I've tried to do in my life, exception my domestic violence advocacy and mentoring/writing.

It's more than that though. Recently, I've had to advocate for myself with regards to insurance companies, medicaid and my health. Trying to see a specialist has been a nightmare. I finally self paid, as I'd been waiting a year and was so frustrated with my insurance company and the assholes for the neurology clinic who kept blowing me off and even blew off the insurance company. I reacted very angrily to this. I know I'm not alone in this either. The stigmas attached to mental illness, the poor and disabled, preclude care. Medicaid alone has stigmas attached. Unfortunately, due to my PTSD and my health, some of those stigmas are applicable to me now. There is a lot of abuse of the poor and disabled in the system. These are the quintessential authority figures, of which I have a morbid fear. Fighting them to get care has led to one triggering event after another. IT has been this way in my fight for SS too.

I swing wildly when I'm upset. I either get very verbally assertive or I completely shut down, fold like a lawn chair. There is no in between. What is so frustrating about this, is during all the fighting to get my medical needs met, I've felt re-traumatized, living the abuse all over again, over and over again. My reactions are spontaneous. I know how to meditate, eat right, take care of myself, but when it comes to dealing with stigmas, abuse, glaring criticism, I can't do it. I just CANNOT. DO. IT. I see the world from a pathological black and white perspective. I want to know WHY I cannot get past this. I'm having a hell of a time advocating for myself. It's hard for me to stand up for myself too. It's like I turn into a completely different person when dealing with those outside of my element and people do not get it. I'm completely comfortable with those closest to me, but anything outside of that, I do NOT trust and I've been given AMPLE reason not too.

Some of my friends, in fact many of my friends who work, have shared how pathological their work environments are. I could not tolerate it. After so much abuse, after a lifetime filled with it, I simply cannot deal with it. I'm one of those folks who would benefit from self employment or working from home. Jobs that are few and far between. I'm going to vocational rehab because I HAVE too, not because I want too. In fact, this is terrifying for me. At home, I have control over my environment. I have peace and there is no abuse. The longer I live outside of abuse (two years now) anytime I'm exposed to it, I become unhinged.

This has turned into depression for me. So many of my choices have f*cked up my life. I didn't know it was PTSD related at the time, but they were still my choices. I wish I had had information then to create a life for myself way early on, that would have helped to support my endeavors and to encourage me. I wish I had the therapist I have now, back then. I'm so damned angry at my growing up environment right now. I feel so sad when I see people doing the simplest of things that I wish I could do without reacting or experiencing a huge amount of hyper vigilance to the point of illness. I now have two autoimmune, DDD and chronic sciatica I'm dealing with on the health side of things, so it complicates all of this.

Anyway, when I read that you can get over PTSD, there is nothing I've not tried to accomplish that goal. All throughout my life, my choices were to run from it. I always had hope and always bulldozed forward with the best of intentions, only to lose passion and steam with another round of abuse, or a loss of faith in myself.

My limitations now, mean I am more isolated. That's suppose to be a negative thing too. Sometimes I hate it, but I only need to be exposed once to a rude individual and I'm reminded why I like being at home alone with my son and/or my dog or in the garden. It's peaceful. I can't do the noise of 'out there' anymore and I feel tremendous guilt about it. Like I'm making excuses and I keep trying, but wind up in the same place, does this make sense at all? I'm trying to verbalize this the best that I can.

I have no desire for a partnered relationship in my life again. Believe it or not because of this position, people think that there IS something wrong with me (laughing) and there IS...but I don't need partners in my life anymore. I know I can't have relationships with men that are healthy, other than friendships and I have lots of those. I have great friends. But many of them suffer with PTSD too.

How do I explain, verbalize this to my therapist, to my lawyer? TO anyone else? How do I say...'ya know, I really CAN'T', rather then, "OH I SURE CAN WATCH ME!". How do I come to terms with what my life has been and the pain I have caused or the ability to make friends with myself, my past and what PTSD and the abuse has done to me?

I use to think PTSD was a cop out. An excuse. So I kept forging forward, ignoring it, with people hating me inevitably because of my reactions to things, as well as my inability to say no to abusive people?

Ultimately, all I keep thinking about is...I just want peace. I no longer believe the way I did when I got out of the last relationship and was abuse free for the first time in my life. I thought I would be leading an active, normal life, but it has been two years of hell uncovering myself.

I can't work, unless it's in this environment and safe for me. I have sensory overload and even when I have four of my six children and the grands over for family day on weekends, I'm so overwhelmed when it's over. I do love them dearly and I have been working on making amends with my children, but I get very irritated and angry after just a few hours. I'm so done by then. I don't want to hurt them with that anger, so I never speak it, but there have been times where I have. I've only recently let them know how my PTSD affects me and why I was such a bitch for a mother to them.

I look around me and many of my friends live in beautiful homes and work at great jobs, have big families and do fun things, work out....I admire that they have it all. That they are not marred and scarred by life the way I have been. I just don't know what it's like, that's all. I never experienced it. I just observe it.

My idea of 'fun' day now, is to take a quiet walk with my dog somewhere, when I can, but my sciatica has been very bothersome to me lately. My companion pet has been very sick, as well as I have been. I haven't tapped into my creativity yet, except with my writing and currently, with all the stress going on, I have writer's block....uh, except here..:)

My life will never look like I once hoped it would. That makes me sad. To live in a healthy way, I can't do what is perceived to be 'healthy' with my PTSD. It's just too much. I have to get a job or something soon because I now have no income. This is also very stressful. I know I can't keep a job outside of home. I can't work "FOR" anyone. I wouldn't survive it and would be a waste of my time and a potential employer's time, but bills need to be paid and it will be a long, long time before my SS case is heard.

What do I do now that I understand my limitations when understanding them means it's polar opposite to the go get em image I have reflected in pretentiousness that my abuse didn't affect me? I have this compelling feeling about being very real and straightforward. I'll be honest with those at vocational rehab about my PTSD. It seems COMPLETELY pointless to be anything but. I know a lot of people hide it, but I would not be able too given the severity of my symptoms in certain situations.

I want to make friends with my PTSD, this monster in my life. But I don't know how. Doing so goes against everything I wanted to believe and all that my pathological family emphasized in what it was to be 'successful' in this world. I haven't had a relationship with them in 5 years. I'm seeing that there are some things I will never be able to get beyond. I now have to learn to accept it. That's so, so, so hard.

Thanks for letting me vent...:)

 

[I Can Do This]

Hi Trip - you are an excellent writer by the way!!!

I know how to meditate, eat right, take care of myself, but when it comes to dealing with stigmas, abuse, glaring criticism, I can't do it. I just CANNOT. DO. IT. I see the world from a pathological black and white perspective.

I think that is how all of us with PTSD see the world. I've been learning in therapy how to find the middle, the gray, the ability to not overreact or shut down which is what defines the black and white. It is a big part of our problem. You get triggered - and WHAM the emotions are out of control. But as you heal (and you have to learn how) you won't have as many triggers anymore. You will be able to find the middle ground more often. Fewer things will be able to shake you like that.

I think it is very important to understand that PTSD is not a mental illness - it is an emotional wound, or an injury to your nervous system that is on overdrive. Perhaps that is what you are interpreting as "get over it" from your reading? I don't know. I do know that it is very real - and it affects every area of our lives BUT we can heal from it and that it makes it far better than a real mental illness that does not change. We develop PTSD in relationships - no matter who they are - mental illness does not come from trauma in relationships. So, I feel there is a very big difference between getting over it, and healing. You will never get over it without help for your healing.

I understand how you feel traumatized by the medical system - and all systems in general! I have the same feeling about insurance companies and applying for jobs these days. It is very traumatizing because we feel invisible, powerless and often, virtually helpless. These are all triggers. We have to fight for ourselves and our health - but we also have to learn how to do that in healthier ways. It is exhausting though, and I am in the same boat with you.

 

[Abstract]

I actually think a lot of your thinking sounds spot on. This is where I love the concept of radicall acceptance. It not about negativity and giving up. It is about being realistic and accepting reality, and then seeing what one can still do to make things beter.

I understand a lot of what you said. It has also been challenging for me to find a middle ground between fight,fight,fight and finding myself frozen. And I have similar issues with work now. I am able to function in the work place because I found a way to be self employed and take out most of my personal potential stressful dynamics from my work.

Its all quite challenging isn't it?!

 

[Don't trip]

I can do this,

Thanks a bunch. I'm aware that it's not mental illness, but disorder.

That's how the DSM defines it, although I'm not a huge fan. I'm a student of psychology and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, black and white again, but anyway, I'm not sure there are things I will be able to conquer. If I've not conquered it by now, I'm sure not to conquer it later. That may be taken as negative, however I have a ZERO tolerance to abuse. Absolutely zero.

Not too long ago, I was emotionally traumatized again by my son's boyfriend who is a diagnosed narcissist. I was the target of his deviant behavior in order to separate my son and I emotionally. Unfortunately, this worked. He was extremely exploitative and underhanded. I've dealt with this shit my entire life, and I'm completely done with it. It took me weeks and weeks to get past that trigger and I was completely thrown from it. Actually months because it's been about two to three months now. Every time I hear this kid's name, I get immediately angry.

With all the abuse in the world, including in our systems, governmental, medical and in the work environment, it's going to be difficult if not impossible to navigate this on a job. I appreciate your compliment about my writing and I do a lot of it. I was hired recently to write for a nationwide political blog, but then subsequently quit when the job advertisement was not going to be what it claimed it would be with pay. I need something now, not a year or two from now and can't afford to write my brains out for commission and something that 'hopefully' others will read.

The ultimate and only solution is working from home. I feel safe in my environment and am not at the mercy of authority everyday. I've read some of the threads here of others who suffer from PTSD and work, HOLY CRAP I could not tolerate what they do. I think we all have our limits. I do believe that had I not had so much childhood trauma into adulthood, the chronic abuse portion, my life would look a lot different then it does now. I think the degree and the amount of abuse really does matter. There was a time in my life where I thought I would never address this head on. That it didn't affect me presently, oh boy was I wrong! UGH!

I have been in therapy with an excellent trauma therapist for nearly two years. It has taken that long just to reach the point where I'm willing to look realistically at my limitations. I recognize that if I don't respect and honor them, I'm no good to anyone, not an employer, not in a relationship, not anything else.

I want to set myself up for success and not failure. So what it is for right now, is reality, no more denial, because that has done nothing for me in the past. I'm all for a positive attitude, but when it comes down to having abuse repeated in my life, from no matter where it comes, I'm spontaneously set off. I can't tell you how many times I've worked on meditating, spontaneous breathing exercises, everything under the sun and my response to abuse and authority never changes.

It is very frustrating!

Thanks for your feedback, I Can, I really appreciate it!

 

[Don't trip]

Abstract!!

YES, YES YES!!! Thank you!!!! That is exactly it!! EXACTLY! Thank you for expressing what I could not!!!

 

[therapybankrupt]

Hi Trip! I think you are just now accepting the truth of the disorder and it is depressing when it hits you. The longer you try to push past it (denial) the harder it is to function. Being tough and sucking it up and just ignoring does not work. The bottom usually falls out with this monster. There is a breaking point. I also realize nothing is how you want it to be either. It doesn't mean you can never be happy and be productive to the best of your ability. The world does not understand PTSD and that makes things more difficult I agree. I refuse to have to explain PSTD any more. I just say I am retired early and keep searching for help. I do not think anyone knows all the answers and every case still is so individualized for therapy. So do not give up.

I am in EMDR and getting a lot of work done. I have had talk and DBT weekly for 9 years. Over a year ago I retained a qualified trauma specialist after actually getting a correct diagnosis, finally. It has not been easy but she assures me my life will be manageable after she is done with me. We will see! I have had realizations of the fact I was in denial for 30 years about a 23 year marriage with a narcissist alcoholic. I gave him my soul. Buried life time rape and sex abuse. I am not real happy about the truth. You know they say the truth will set you free. I have another years work at least in EMDR. I can do this. If you are still here we can celebrate.

I understand all the feelings you are having. Its not a new concept to most of us with PTSD and it is tougher for you and others of us who suffer with health issues. The battle for SSDI can be rough. Most people get a Lawyer because it is so intense. I was very lucky and had a social worker from the hospital clinic I was being seen at help me. She drove me to the meetings. Told me what and what not to say and do. I was granted services in 3 months. I could not advocate for myself either. Get a social worker they know the in's and out's of things. You are not a failure you just need the help with what you can no longer do yourself at this time. This extra stress is putting you over the top. Look up the cup theory here on forum. Hope things improve! Wishing you the best.

tb

People who have medical disabilities have the same fight and oh my if you have a rare physical disorder you run into so much difficulty. I was an advocate for my sister who passed. The way people treated her and there stupid ideas for what she could and could not do were nauseating. The world is tough. You are strong and you will get the help you need. You have not failed the people who caused you trauma are the reason you have PSTD. So be kind to yourself. Take it one day at a time. Do not give up until you get the care you require. You are deserving!

 

[therapybankrupt]

Why is it I never see all the posts when I go to a thread. I am sorry if I was repetitive!

 

[I Can Do This]

I've read some of the threads here of others who suffer from PTSD and work, HOLY CRAP I could not tolerate what they do

I'm with you there! I was put through hell in the workplace and then lost my job in 2008 due to a merger - I have been going the consulting route ever since while hoping to find the "right fit". What I have found instead are some incredibly sick, toxic environments that emulate the jungle's "survival of the fittest". I hadn't been emotionally strong or stable enough for a permanent position - which is the weirdest thing to describe to people - but with my therapy I am ready now. Unfortuntately, not many jobs available. But the work place is horrible in general. I'm in HR so I see the corporate culture from that perspective, and I am feeling that I would like to go in a different direction if I can figure out which way it is in.

 

[heidi]

It seems counter intuitive that acceptance of a horrible thing can help, but it does help, and that's because this is the reality and it's better to accept reality and confront it and work with it then to deny it.

I still am optimistic I will one day get better and never get worse again. But I still don't exactly want to hear that from a professional because this is the reality I deal with.

 

[Jacnic]

((((((( trip, I can do this, Abstract, tb, Heidi)))))))
Virtual hugs are not as good as real ones.... But they help to remind us that we are not really alone in this all.

 

[heidi]

I thought about this thread today. I realized I still might be too optimistic for my own good. I have a couple of good days and I think this time, this time, maybe it really is different and I'm not going back to that other reality. Then I think, wait, you thought that last time, and the time before, doesn't it seem likely it's going to happen again?

I wonder if optimism hurts or helps. I just can't get rid of it. Though I know practically it's probably regular maintenance that works the best. Somebody in another thread said something about a road to healing continually needing maintenance and I think that's probably right.

Only I guess the road is more about coping then healing or recovering.