Guardian Of The Psyche

[orchidbird]

Hi,

I hope I have posted this in the right place.

I was wondering if anyone had any experience of this, I have looked over some old posts and done some searches but was unable to find anything....maybe I didn't look hard enough?

I had hypnotherapy last year because I felt like I was splitting into two people, one being my child self and the other my adult self, I understand this now to be my inner child. During the session the therapist spoke to a part of my mind that was kind of like a foot soldier, sent out to protect me as a baby. That part was quite timid and didn't really have any answers so the therapist asked to speak to the main part of my mind. At this point I felt my entire body shift shape. I felt very strong, masculine and protective. This part of my mind refused to answer questions and refuse to comply with the requests made of him.

A few weeks ago I was doing some anger work using clay with my regular therapist, I found it incredibly difficult and ended up just holding the clay in my hands whilst ranting about my relationships with my sisters. When we had finished I was asked to look at what I had created. In my hands was this model of a scary looking face with horns. I felt a rush of emotion and was immediately able to identify him as the protective part of my mind, he is called Thor. My therapist says he is the guardian of my psyche.

He has an incredibly strong hold over me. He shuts me down, closes my throat so I can not communicate, stops me from feeling, he can not be penetrated. He does not trust anyone. He protects me.

I recognise that he is a coping mechanism and was brought about for good reason but unfortunately he now prevents me from moving forward. When I hold him he quite often makes me feel like I want to cry and when my husband held him I literally became glued to the spot, unable to move or talk, I became him.
How can a clay head be so powerful?

I have started drawing at home to help try and recover thoughts, feelings and memories (there is something lurking deep down that is trying to come out) but each time I get close he shuts me down.

Last week I did some significant drawings that I reacted strongly to and the following night I followed my urge to draw some more, however, I felt cut off from my feelings and what emerged on paper was Thor, with my final piece being a portrait of him and how he protects me from bad people.

I was hoping that someone might be able to offer some insight, share their own experience or any way in which I can move forward with this, anything would be appreciated.
Thank you
Ob x

 

[therapybankrupt]

Hi Orchid Bird. Very interesting and amazing how our minds work. I have only inner children that are fragments not alters. They mostly are in my minds eye when doing EMDR therapy work. I have no insight but welcome to the forum!

tb

 

[orchidbird]

Hi Tb

Thank you for your welcome and your response.

I should probably clarify that I don't have DID/MPD but according to my therapist disassociate quite heavily. I'm not sure what the splitting was but I did think it down to my inner child.

If you don't mind me asking, how do your inner children show themselves? And have you experienced them outside of the EMDR therapy?

Thanks again for replying
Ob x

 

[therapybankrupt]

I should probably clarify that I don't have DID/MPD but according to my therapist disassociate quite heavily.

You and I are the same!

I'm not sure what the splitting was but I did think it down to my inner child.

Yes it does have to do with the inner child or children. They are left in that time and incident. The trauma causes the split.

If you don't mind me asking, how do your inner children show themselves?

No not at all. Thats why I am here to also teach. During the inner child work done with EMDR the children were active in my minds eye during treatment,sleep and everyday life. They had to be retrained. Now they show up during EMDR sometimes to show me something and sometimes in the grieving of a trauma. In my minds eye not physically. Now that I have a visual of what they look like I can see them anytime I want. Just visualizing of course. I hope this answers your questions.

Oh ,one more thing yesterday I asked my therapist if she could see her inner child/children. She said she could see them in her mind a small child sitting far away and an obstinate teen very vividly. She said the teen is ever present in her defiance that she has trouble controlling. She has had therapy and EMDR herself.

tb

 

[Hashi]

Hi orchidbird,

I can imagine that a clay head made in that way, and representing what it does, is very powerful. This is why I love art therapy and working with symbols and imagery.

What you wrote reminded me of a metaphor exercise I did about 18 months ago, when I was feeling frustrated by how I kept disconnecting from my feelings when talking in therapy and when doing my own processing. I also have incomplete memories. The exercise was to take a feeling and choose a metaphor for it, then describe the metaphor, what it looks like, what it does, what it would say if it could speak etc. What I wrote was:

My disconnection is like a bodyguard.

I didn't choose to be protected in this way. He's been assigned to me for my own safety, because of who I am.

He's in plain clothes, but he shows his ID to Distress or Overwhelm or Shock when they start to jostle me.

He accompanies me everywhere. He's always close by, ready to step in if needed.

When I write in my journal, he reads over my shoulder. Sometimes he puts a hand out and says, That's enough feeling for now. We don't want to take any risks.

In counselling he lets my therapist take over. One professional to another. Still, at times he leans forward and says, Excuse me, but I need to make your mind a little blank now.

Sometimes I ask, what did you do that for? I was OK. I could handle it.
Then Disconnection replies, Ma'am, there are protocols I have to follow.

I ask him how I can heal if he takes the reality away from me. Does it mean anything to tell my counsellor something without feeling it?
He says, Trust me. The rules are there for a reason.​

This helped me understand and accept what was going on. I could see how disconnection was protecting me from feeling too much because I didn't have any other ways to contain the feelings and make it safe to explore and process things. So my approach was not to do anything about the "bodyguard" but to let that happen as it needed to. Meanwhile, I worked on other ways to stay protected, to be able to contain the feelings when working on them and to bring in other forms of protection that could allow the memories, feelings and processing but still keep me safe.

The way I see things, my mind is only going to reveal more memories to me when I've got enough resources to handle them. At one point I was frustrated at not remembering and tried to access memories in various ways, but I found the most effective thing was to work on skills for coping, grounding and psychic protection. The previous way I had of protecting myself, from childhood, was to shut my feelings and memories off. That worked in a basic way, but as you say it made me feel I couldn't move forward.

So my suggestion would be this. Rather than drawing to try to uncover thoughts, feelings and memories, try drawing and visualising to be safe, and develop ways of working with thoughts, feelings and memories without being overwhelmed. In my experience, they wouldn't come until my mind knew I had the resources to handle them.

 

[Red Feather]

Wow Hashi, I absolutely loved that post. And orchibird what an amazing experience you are having through your artistic process. I find this discussion fascinating and exactly what I need. I feel a split but haven't got a means of distinguishing or naming this other part, and to know how and what happens if I dissolve into it, or it is simply sitting beside me and annoying me now and again. Sometimes it is really tormenting me, and the worst is when I get physically exhausted, than it can get quiet painful. I wish I could have discussion with this part of me. I wish I could understand its purpose and honor it in that way. The idea scares me and I dont know why.

I also have an art therapist. We meet every second week or third week, but I went through art school and have a masters degree on art, and this is maybe being a hindrance because my art therapist keeps saying that I think too much. I love her so much, but I am worried that I am getting too needy and becoming a burden. She said that she would tell me if this is so. But it worries me so much, I am considering not to go and see her. She doesnt like to talk very much, and this worries me too. I know have attachment issues, so I think I should just stop seeing her.

 

[orchidbird]

Hi,

Tb, thank you for sharing your experience with your inner children. Apart from the splitting (which was a teenager) I have only met the others once (one is about 9 the other quite young around 4). The 9 year old scared me and the younger one I felt such a rush of hatred for initially, but almost immediately a voice of reason chimed in (protective/nurturing parent?) and explained things which made me cry and feel so sorry for her, as well as admiration for what she had achieved for us. They have been very quiet since and I can't really reach out to them anymore.
I do wonder about EMDR but I feel quite scared of how intense it can be.

Hashi, wow! Thank you. What you say makes so much sense and certainly not something I've really thought about but definitely something I'm going to take with me to my next therapy session to discuss.

Do you mind if I ask what sort of things you visualise to make your self feel safe? I feel as though I am doing that in my 'present' life with relationships/trust issues but from reading what you say that's not the key. I have done a bit with the protective parent but clearly that's not enough! To be honest, other than being in my husband's arms or having my dog with me I'm not sure what safe feels or looks like....maybe that's my starting point?

Nadia, I'm sorry to hear you are also experiencing this, I found it really scary which is why I ended up having hypnotherapy to merge us back together again, it worked for me.
I was flooded with different types of emotions and visuals which I tried hard to tune in and listen to.

With regards to the art therapy, I would try and stick with it, find the medium that works best for you, for me it is clay and chalky pastels. I found the key for me was to engage in the process and to not think about what I was drawing. It has been difficult to turn the mind off but I found that getting lost in the process of drawing has had the best results and the art I've produced has definitely come from somewhere else. I would imagine, given your training, you would produce some spectacular artwork. I think there are a few artists who have actually managed to turn this into their livelihood.

I know exactly how you feel about being a burden and I have similar thoughts. What helped me was to remind myself that these people do their jobs (like doctors, social workers, nurses, mental health specialists, police, teachers etc) because they want to help people and they feel passionate about it. Maybe she doesn't talk much because that's what you're there for?!

If you stop seeing her aren't you denying yourself the opportunity to help yourself? You are deserving of that help no matter how or what you may think about yourself.
I hope that helps a little.

Thank you again for all your responses, it's comforting to know there are people out there that get it and to know that I'm not completely insane!

Ob x

 

[Hashi]

I went through art school and have a masters degree on art, and this is maybe being a hindrance because my art therapist keeps saying that I think too much.

Nadia, have you tried doing it in a way that's different from how you normally work? For example, with your non-dominant hand or without looking. Alternatively, using a medium you don't normally use, or using the style of an artist or genre that's very different to your own. The healing/trauma art that I do is different in style and materials from the art I normally do, partly because otherwise I get too self-conscious about it as artwork. I've deliberately based it on Frida Khalo's psychological work, because I like the way she communicated through that, but I'd never do anything remotely like that outside healing artwork.

I agree with what orchidbird says about seeing your art therapist.

Do you mind if I ask what sort of things you visualise to make your self feel safe?

Happy to say, but I'll start a private conversation via your profile, if that's OK. It might take me a day or two. I'd be fine to say more here, but I'm writing about it for somewhere else and I couldn't do that if I posted here because then it would be PTSD Forum's copyright.

No, you are not insane! (Unless, of course, we are too... :confused: ;))

 

[Only 1 of me]

Great thread people, one which gives me more insight into myself. I started art therapy in hospital. I'm creative but never enjoyed formal art and hadn't tried to draw anything for years. I found it such a powerful experience. I made a little book, and drew cartoons, or played with images to try to communicate feelings. I still have it and looking back with what I now know about myself the art work cuts to the heart of it in ways I didn't understand at the time.

I have incomplete memories and also some very concrete trauma that I am processing in EMDR. I also struggle with dissociation and splitting off from my feelings. I've struggled to accept the notion of an inner child but in a drama therapy session I encountered her as a figure that I hate and fear because she controls everything. I see her as vengeful and dangerous, but I'm going to try working with that creatively and try to turn some of my thinking around. Thanks all, food for thought.

 

[Red Feather]

Thank you Hashi, it is hard for me to distinguish healing work from contemporary art that could be shown to the public. I think in my diploma exhibition I exposed too much of myself and history and it was like a retraumatisation. But it has been really good to work with my art therapist on things just for me and for the love of doing it. I wish I could be not so broken when it comes to my art, but I think I need time. I also wish I didnt feel so ashamed of being a burden on her. I guess these are subconscious issues related to my trauma. Right now, I feel I need distance from her but I hope it will change.

I would like to ask a question to orchidbird. I heard that hypnosis can be dangerous when dealing with trauma. But it seems this is not the case for you. Was your hypnotist therapist experienced with trauma? Did you ever feel scared of getting triggered, or having to be confronted with too much emotions?

 

[orchidbird]

Hashi, that would be great thank you. I did some searching on the site and found a few things that you actually posted in different threads, specifically the links to the books about psychic healing, will check those out when I've got a bit of spare cash!

Only 1 of me, hi, thank you for sharing. I can totally relate to the feelings about your inner child although your encounter sounds a bit more intense. I wish you the best for finding a way to overcome your feelings towards her.

Nadia, I tend to pick and choose what I think what might work best for me at that time.
When I first saw my hypnotherapist (recommended by the acupuncturist I was seeing for M.E) it was to do past life regression, although a couple of things came up then.
I went back to him again when the splitting happened so I haven't actually undertaken it on a proper therapeutic level. He was very good at resolving both the splitting and the dangerous road rage that I was experiencing.

As an ongoing therapy I'm not sure how successful it would be. It requires you to remain in a deep state of relaxation and of course you have to trust the therapist and for me, i had to get over how stupid it all felt, I giggled uncontrollably the first time he started doing the whole 'relax, deep sleep' thing!

The other thing for me was that I'm not entirely sure how true some of what I recalled was. Your answers have to be immediate, no thinking allowed as it should be coming direct from your sub-conscious so I did spend quite a bit of time not talking. It was certainly an interesting 'journey' however brief, but quite expensive so not really a viable option for me. That probably doesn't help you much if it is an option you're considering! I would proceed with caution and really research therapists. He was based in Oxfordshire and would be happy to pass on his details if you are nearby.

With regards to art therapy it's such a shame that you feel you can't carry on with it. Is another medium, as Hashi suggested, not possible?

Prior to art and journaling dance was my thing, I don't have the space to do it anymore but there are days when my body and mind crave that outlet, so I listen, turn on the tunes and do a bit of bedroom raving instead. Without wanting to contradict myself (but I am!) maybe a bit of distance may help.

Ob x