I Wish I Was Alone

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am unsure about posting this, but I feel so hurt and confused. It is pretty personal but I really need to talk about it.

Husband is frustrating me. We had to pay some hospital and doctor bills. All adding up to about $700. And then I had new medication this month to pay for. And the worst part is the bills have not come for the most recent ER visit. I wonder how much they are going to be. :nailbiting:

Husband starts talking about how much cheaper it would have been to have gone too the urgent care clinic instead of the ER. '20 times cheaper' he keeps saying. I told him that since I was having an asthma attack I unsure an urgent care clinic would have even taken me. They are not 24 hour places, they close at 7pm and most are not even open on Sundays. And they are not equip to keep patients for hours at a time. I firmly believe they would have asked me to go to the ER. Urgent care does...flu, fevers and broken bones when your regular doctor can't see you. I don't think they would have taken someone having an asthma attack. That's a whole big mess that they couldn't handle. The ER had to watch me for over 6 hours.

But he is saying things like 'it would have been wiser and cheaper.' When I say that he is making me feel like shit, he gets angry. Like he has no idea why I would feel insulted. He is being so insensitive right now. He is making me feel like I should have just waited it out, all 9 hours of waiting until urgent care may have opened, and may have taken me. I was worried about falling asleep and that I would just stop breathing in my sleep. My lungs were so tired and I was in pain.

Maybe he is just worried about the bills. I told him that he needs to take the money from our saving account, isn't that what a saving account is for?? Emergency's??? But he seems to have this weird idea of what he thinks saving is for.

'It would have been wiser' he keeps saying this over and over again. I told him he's making me feel guilty. Now he is saying that we should just not talk to each other. Maybe that's a good idea. We have nothing nice to say to each other. My therapist says that if you start fighting the best thing is to stop and then take a break for at least 25 minutes. At that point hopefully when you get together again you will be calmer and more rational. But he refuses to do this and passing it off like it's worthless advice.

This is all so stupid. He is being a complete jerk. :mad: He is making me feel like I should just be alone, all by myself. I would be lonely but at least I wouldn't be fighting with anyone. I just want to crawl into a hole and be by myself. My self esteem is totally shot right now and my stress cup is all over the place. I want to help with the bills so badly but I have no job and no income. :(

Deeply hurt and frustrated.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I want to stand up for myself and tell him he is not allowed to treat me like this. I know I get a say and he is crossing boundaries but I don't want to start another fight.

 

[p-no]

Dear Ayesha, you did nothing wrong! You did all the right things with regard to your asthma and your health! Even asthma issues that do not seem to require ER care can turn into those that need emergency medical care within seconds or else! Problem is, you will only know afterwards, so the only thing to do is go to ER immediately or have an ambulance come. You're the one in your body and you followed your instincts/perceptions of what went on in it/you. You did that extremely well!

I don't want to write one word about your husband's behaviour, it really makes me angry! Since you can't do nothing about him, maybe you can go somewhere where you will be left alone (walk? bedroom and lock door?). Take a time-out and take care of you, hug yourself (seriously, put your arms around you and rub your shoulders, if that is comforting) or find other physical touch (by you for you) that feels good (massaging my arms and legs often helps me, or stroke your cheek, or anything else that is good for you). Be kind to yourself, literally.

You're two in the marriage and obviously you have agreed in sharing finances. One time it will be you needing this financial support and at another time it will be him. Maybe it could help telling him that the past is the past and that nagging about it won't change it. But I wouldn't worry about him but come back to you. Be kind to yourself.

 

[p-no]

Ayesha, you can stand up to him also later (today, tomorrow, Saturday...). If you're too hurt, you can hardly be assertive. Be assertive another time, if now is not the time to be it and if it would most likely cause you even more pain (I think it would, from what your post tells me).

 

[JustBe]

Ayesha, I have had Asthma for my entire life. Asthma can kill you...QUICKLY! :eek:

Ask your husband how he would feel with a plastic bag duct taped around his head? Is BREATHING important??:mad:

 

[LaurieJ]

I have asthma too and you did the right thing by going to the ER. I don't think that urgent care centers are set up for such a thing. I once went to an urgent care center for a bee sting but they wouldn't treat me because I can go into shock with breathing problems. They sent me to the ER because I could stop breathing and they weren't set up for that.

As for your husband it sounds like some cooling off time might help. I hope. I hope that your asthma is better now and your situation with your husband improves.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have had some time to myself. I am calmer but still frustrated. I am unsure what he is looking for. But I do think he wants me to 'bend' to him a bit more. We are both stubborn and prideful. But I don't think pride as anything to do with what happened, more like pride is effecting the aftermath.

Does he not realize what he is implying? Can he not understand when you put the 'ER' and 'we should have been wiser' in the same breath what it means? He is lying when he keeps insisting that he doesn't mean that, otherwise why would he say all that in the same breath?

He wants to talk to me about finances. And again the word 'wiser' comes up. If someone needs to go to the ER then someone needs to go. Why does he keep bring all this up? I can see that we are going to have to be more frugal this month. That I understand.

It's making me feel so terrible. But then he is dismissing my feelings when I tell him how it is making me feel by saying 'you always blame yourself for everything', but when he is talking the way he is how can I not feel guilty? In the middle of the argument he asks me 'did you take your medication?' again, dismissing my feelings because he just thinks I am being mentally unstable.

 

[p-no]

I would suggest to take your perceptions seriously and follow up on them once you feel more stable and not so hurt anymore.

 

[nimkekaa]

What an awful position to be in! I feel very lucky right now that visiting the hospital in Canada is free. I too struggle with guilt over the financial stress my illness has caused our family. Our family would be much better off right now if was working.

I agree with everyone above that when your feeling stronger that you need to talk things through with your husband. Maybe his is insensitive or hopefully he is just so worried about your finances that he's not seeing it from your point of view. Anyway you look at it his comments are hurtful and he needs to understand how they make you feel.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Vent away! (You deserve it)

My urgent care has a list of what is an ER medical issue vs what is an urgent care medical issue. I don't remember them all, but I DO remember that not being able to breathe is DEFINITELY an ER issue. (I bet you could google it and find a similar list...print it and put it on the fridge!)

Yes, you try to save money where you can, but your health comes first, especially when it's an urgent matter such as yours.

I've felt the guilt over $$$ spent for my medical care. It definitely sucks.

And, you've got the $$$ in your savings account. Savings IS for emergencies! It's not as if you are spending money you don't have on a new wardrobe.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Husband and I went out and he wanted to talk. I told him that I am too stressed to talk. I have reached my limit for the day or even the next few days. My PTSD cup is completely overflowing.

But he kept pressing it. Kept trying to press the subjects, all serious subjects. Asking me if 'I care' about his feelings. "Why did you marry me?" "What are you expecting from me?" etc. I told him he needs to respect my boundary that I am laying of 'I don't want to have this conversation right now', which he told me that I don't know what boundaries are.

I finally gave up and agreed to have to conversation. Even though I didn't want too. So we ended up having a serious discussion about things I can't handle right now. I barely remember what we talked about to be honest. I can't process it, my head is already to full and to stressed. But we didn't fight, yell or argue during it. So that's something.

:bag::bag::bag:

 

[Philippa]

He didn't respect your boundaries again. It doesn't sound like he is listening very well to what you are saying, and you gave into him, and then goes and says you are not caring about his feelings?? Pot calling the kettle black if you ask me. Those sort of questions sound like they are designed to make you feel guilty and bad to me.

Be kind to yourself.