Sufferer Looking At Myself In The Mirror And At Others In The Eyes

[Bigz]

Hi guys. I'm really disturbed with this feeling. what do you think is the reason why I really don't feel looking at myself in the mirror and looking at other in the eyes? i really find it hard to cope. i also feel that other people don't want to look at me too. i feel there is something in my face that they don't want to see. I don't know but i feel its in my forehead. im really freaking out so please help me guys. Every time they look at me, they would be like *scratching their forehead* *turn away from my face*

I think they did that because they are seeing something in my face that they cant really tolerate and they cant look on so they just turn away.

Why do I feel this way. I'm always thinking of things that I can do so I can fix my face so they can look at me already. I'm not like this from the start. This is not inborn. This happens once a year or twice since I was 13 years old. but for almost 3 years until now, IT NEVER DISAPPEARED already.

I really don't know how to get back to my real self. To my happy self where I can look at anyone without being uncomfortable. :(

 

[ashdawn8287]

You are really upset. It's okay. Im 25 and when I was a teenager I felt that way all the time. When I began college I think it gave me confidence and now I stare people directly in the eye and tell those bad thoughts that they are wrong. It took a lot of force now I look people directly in the eye and don't hold my true self back. Tell yourself you're pretty nothings wring with you, it is feelings from the past.

Fight those bad thoughts with good thoughts, even if you don't believe it, you eventually will. Stop yourself when you start thinking like that and force yourself to look people in the eye and just listen to what they are saying and not worrying about what they're thinking. You can't read minds and you will never know what those people think and who cares what people think. Maybe they look at you because you're pretty not because something is wrong with you.

 

[Abstract]

The first thing I thought was Body Dysmorphia but it seems it only comes sometimes for you so that sounds unlikely.

 

[ashdawn8287]

And with looking at yourself in the mirror thing, I would smile and look myself in the eyes. Sounds really stupid but it works and it became a habit and I do it all the time.

Also, I had issues holding my head up in public. So I'd force myself to do it while acting confident. It eventually becomes habit. I can walk directly up to someone with my head up and lock eye contact. Its kind of like a confidence boost now. The longer I can maintain eye contact the more confident I get. I fed off it now.

 

[Bigz]

Thank you very much. :) but for clarification purposes, I'm already 20 years old and I'm a guy. Thank you very much for your concern and thoughts, really appreciate them. :) But I'm really interested if there's someone who has exactly the same situation as I have this time.

I'm really down and I don't know what to do. This is distracting my social life. Because of this, I just want to stay at my room the whole day and not see people because I feel that there's really something wrong in my face. I think will be comfortable and fine if I look at them and they look at me too without uneasiness.

But for all of what you've said, thanks a lot. :)

 

[ashdawn8287]

It will be okay. I wish you luck with healing and sorry for thinking you were a girl.

 

[safenow]

Hi Bigz,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. You will find a lot of good information here, as well as kind, caring people.

I used to have a problem looking at people and I still have a problem looking at myself. Due to extreme abuse, I had and have a lot of scars on my face and body, so I got some strange looks. People would either stare when they though I didn't notice, or cringe and turn away. Since then, I've had a lot of surgery, and can now look people in the eye and not see them cringe. It helps a lot.

Shame kept me from looking at people when I was a teenager and young adult. Shame for things I should not have had shame over. But I did, nonetheless. Sometimes we tend to think things that are not real. I believe perhaps you are doing that. We all tend to do that when we are young.

I recommend you do some positive affirmations. Place a note on your bathroom mirror. One that says something like, "I am a good person." or even a quote by others, such as "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched ... but are felt in the heart. (Helen Keller) "

Find things that are uplifting and post them around your house or apartment. Soon, you will feel a strength you have never felt before, and you'll find happiness in just being who you are.

Good luck,
safenow

 

[Bigz]

Thank you very much safenow. :)

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I have serious issues with seeing myself - I feel incredibly confused, bordering on distress. Most of the time I don't recognise myself and sometimes this is so strong that I'm sure that someone else is playing a nasty trick on me. I also end up very disorientated.

I also have problems with eye contact both making/maintaining it feels awkward and wrong because I get easily intimidated and eyes in general scare me. I am scared that my eyes reveal a lot about me and by looking into them people will know things that I would otherwise not reveal to them. I wrote a poem about this a while back I'll try and find it, I think it sums up my fear of eyes better.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Maybe you’ve had better luck than me,
Because now I’m trapped, never to be free.
To give me peace and lengthen this rope
I need to fall into eyes filled with hope.

They say that the eyes are the door to the soul
No matter their colour, their centre is coal
So what do the eyes disclose at a glance,
Is a glimpse enough or do you stare in a trance.

I’ve stared into eyes and found out the hell,
that vomits out evil swell after swell.
The eyes of those people disturbed by their sins,
their laughter resonating beyond their grins.
They’re equally trapped, as much as me,
Yet whilst I’m a prisoner, their minds are free,
To torture themselves at their own free will,
Their choices are theirs, mine was taken for thrill.

I’m scared of my eyes, what they say about me,
When people read them, what do they see?
Can they see what I’ve done and what I have not?
My failings unveiling like a dripping red clot,
Injured by near-fatal shot after shot.
My mind has been plagued with a damaging rot,
And is secretly filled with a murderous plot.
They say that the eyes are the door to the soul.
But all I see is a big black hole.
They show all you’ve been, all you’ve seen, all you’ve done,
The battles you’ve fought and the wars that you’ve won.
Eyes say a lot, the good and the bad,
The down-right evil and terribly sad.
That’s not to say they don’t show the good,
The pure that some have, that all of us should.
But some people get lost, at a split in the path,
Some choose to hurt others with a vengeful wrath,
Dragging them down to a purgatory state,
Filled with torture and damage and hate.
Some victims escape, with their persons unscathed,
I was broken and torn and in my blood bathed.

I wish my eyes were shiny and bright,
filled with a pureness and brilliant light.
Not to be taken again and again.
But maybe that thought is me, being vain.

 

[The Albatross]

Eye contact was a hard one for me. I had learned not to look my abusive father or first husband in the eyes... it was reinforced in boot camp by a very short drill instructor who would freak out and come unglued if you looked down at her instead of staring. straight ahead. My eyes wouldn't track either. It took a good bit of work to be able to mostly do that again.

I too have scars from traumas. The body image thing is a bit harder for me to mind bend.

The aspect of people not wanting to see you... is most likely largely perceptual. Viewing the world through the distorted perceptions we have of it or maybe projection, projecting some of what is felt onto others. It could be much simpler too though Biz... how are your social skills? Is it a bit of social anxiety?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

They show all you’ve been, all you’ve seen, all you’ve done,
The battles you’ve fought and the wars that you’ve won.
Eyes say a lot, the good and the bad,
The down-right evil and terribly sad.

Kas_Can_Fly, thank you so much for sharing this! ... it left me speechless because of it's honesty. Beautiful :) I also write stuff like this. Really helps.

Bigz, I don't have the thing where I feel people don't like looking at me... so I can't give any advice on that but probably above comments have helped you out some already. I think what safenow said is really constructive. Actually I've learned to look at my own eyes in the mirror and love myself more because of it. I feel like when I gaze into my own eyes, I feel like I can find some type of quietness, of wisdom. My brain can tell me all kinds of lies about myself, but my eyes just can't.

I am scared that my eyes reveal a lot about me and by looking into them people will know things that I would otherwise not reveal to them.

Yeah. I've practiced creating "a shield" when people look at me. I try not to allow my eyes to be "gates to my being" in some situations. You can shut these gates to your being even when people look you in the eye, but I know it isn't easy, and in some situations downright impossible. Most of the times though I just put a baseball cap on or look the other way (the long hair also helps!)