I Found It. This Is What I Tried To Explain To My Old Therapist:

[Bosco2153]

Fear that there will be nothing left in the advanced stages of healing. This fear is sometimes overwhelming. As survivors strip away all the old negative beliefs that have been the burdensome but familiar foundation for their lives, they begin to feel that everything they’ve ever known is shifting and nothing is certain or sure.

THIS is my biggest fear and I don't trust anyone on earth to not try to 'help' me strip away who I have always been. Who will I be THEN? :-(

 

[Pencil]

Perhaps less 'burdened' than you are now?

Perhaps the 'new' will have to be created or invented to a certain extent?

But do you want to continue the way you are?

 

[Bosco2153]

I guess I just wanted her to acknowledge my feelings and go easy and not expect me to 'start healing her way right now'. I am 60. I have been this person for 60 years and I can't just give myself over to someone I've had 10 sessions of sobbing with. I never went back and am scared to get another therapist that doesn't understand how terrified I am of 'waking up' and creating a new me. So I don't go. People seem so much more 'healed' than me I sometimes feel I drag this forum down with my moping. I'm sorry....I'm having a very difficult day and will stop now. Thank you for this place to vent.

 

[Pencil]

You don't have to stop - this is not comedy hour. I do understand needing your therapist to acknowledge where you are and who you are before anything can happen.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

There is safety in what we know. There is security in knowing that you have survived for so long the way you are, whilst letting everything go (I might add; including a part of yourself) the bad, what if you can't survive for the good. What if you have become your trauma and by letting it go, you are losing a part of yourself, your life, your history. Maybe it feels like that letting go somewhat invalidates your trauma. Maybe you are scared of becoming something better, irrationally afraid that being a better person means you have to hold yourself to your new standards - that you will have to keep up to expectations.

About moping though, I think some people come here for a safe place to talk whether about trauma or not, as well as for validation of feelings/ranting/venting/support/to know they're not alone. I frequently come here to talk about something I have a problem with and often feel that I'm not giving enough back to the community, but I've found that some the struggles I've sought answers for have in turn helped other people. Sometimes I reply to other peoples threads and talk only about myself, I feel guiltily like an attention seeker and unhelpful to the other person, but because they've felt the same way it's helped them. Time and time again after saying things are ok here, I come back in less than 24-48 hours with another miserable thread full of struggles. But it is what it is. Plus a lot of people feel better for being able to help others, so in that respect you are fulfilling their needs to feel better about themselves, by making you feel better about yourself. With the addition that you're both learning in the process.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It can be horrible! I'm 33 and when the old beliefs start dying, I question everything. It's SO easy for someone to say "oh well just take away the bad and you'll be left with good" or something along those lines. It doesn't really work that way.

Your identity disappears. You start to doubt what you once knew to be true. If ABC is false, then is everything I know wrong?!? Honestly, it's scary.

I've experienced psychosis before on meds. This is like a sober psychosis of sorts. It's scary. And, it's why I go back to old habits. They may be wrong, but I know them inside and out. And, there's comfort in that.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I never went back and am scared to get another therapist that doesn't understand how terrified I am of 'waking up' and creating a new me.

My dear, I am 23, and I can tell you now that I'm just as scared of it too!

Mainly because I don't understand the old or current 'me'.
When you understand the past and present, it allows you to create a future the past gives you goals to work towards.

 

[safenow]

I've been told that in order to heal "properly" I have to "rehash" all that old trauma. Good grief. I am 67 years old. Why the heck do I want to keep going back to that place in my past? I don't!.

safenow

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I've been told that in order to heal "properly" I have to "rehash" all that old trauma. Good grief.

Well yes and no.... I have heard stories of people who have been able to move forward without rehashing. And for some, the rehashing puts them into an even worse state. I think it's a "tread carefully" sort of thing. I was lucky to find a therapy that let me process my trauma without reliving it. If I hadn't found that therapy group, my trauma would still be unprocessed.

But, even after the trauma is processed, there's lots more work. I've rambled on long enough... I hope I didn't scare you!

 

[HëllaBubz]

I think it's a "tread carefully" sort of thing. I was lucky to find a therapy that let me process my trauma without reliving it.

It truly is!

I'm really fortunate, my psych allows me to divulge things at my own pace, and then gives me small amounts to chew on once I've gotten out of my system what ever it is that I am having difficulty dealing with that week.

And yes, there is lots of work, but if anyone told you it was going to be easy, gimme their name n number, n I'll go smack em!

 

[safenow]

I hope I didn't scare you!

No way. Girl. I have been in therapy off and on again since I was 5 years old. That is over 62 years. sigh. I've processed the process. LOL.

safenow

 

[Onigokko]

There is safety in what we know. There is security in knowing that you have survived for so long the way you are, whilst letting everything go (I might add; including a part of yourself) the bad, what if you can't survive for the good. What if you have become your trauma and by letting it go, you are losing a part of yourself, your life, your history. Maybe it feels like that letting go somewhat invalidates your trauma. Maybe you are scared of becoming something better, irrationally afraid that being a better person means you have to hold yourself to your new standards - that you will have to keep up to expectations.

This was amazing and summed up alot of my own fears.