I Found It. This Is What I Tried To Explain To My Old Therapist:

[Rumors]

Fear of the unknown. What if I actually AM what I think I am or what some people say I am? What if I get to the other side and realize my entire life has been a lie! What if I don't like who I am? What if I don't like who I am with? Very, VERY scary stuff when you NEED to have variables in your life that are certain. What if everyone around me realizes I am not what they think? Maybe they won't like me.

Best wishes! I am right there with you. I am rooting for your success!

 

[maddog]

Agreed, Kas_Can_Fly wrote an amazing post, I "like"it a hundred times.

There aren't many things I feel sure about when it comes to therapy or healing, but one of them is that pace and intensity and what is required are totally unique and different for each person. A good therapeutic relationship and context is one in which both parties work together to figure that out and to make it happen. A less successful, to varying degrees, therapeutic situation is one in which that doesn't happen.

But however much you talk about your trauma in detail or not, there is one part of healing that I think sometimes is overlooked,and it's the one the OP is getting at. Any process that deconstructs parts of who you are and who you have always been, must, by necessity, work to reconstruct those parts afterwards. Building a new, or modified, life for yourself is every bit as critical to healing as processing your trauma, and I think the reason that it is so daunting, other than those already outlined, is that some therapists forget about it, or try to move you on right at the point at which that phase of the process is required.

"Good, your trauma is all processed and your symptoms have eased... thanks for coming!"

At which time you're left wondering who you are, what to do, and how on earth to learn to live in the new, less traumatised but very unfamiliar world in which you find yourself.

The extent and impact of this is different for everyone, but I think that many of us baulk at the prospect of recovery partly for this reason, and wonder if we will ever be able to do it justice, even if we can get there.

Like everything, communication with your therapist, insight, hard work and realistic goal-setting are important. Not that I'd know of course... I'm a long way from being there, but I'd like to think that some day, figuring out how the new me is going to live in the big bad world, might be a problem I'll face.

Maddog

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I think it has to do with feeling safe and feeling vulnerable. I told my brother who is a therapist that I'm scared of getting better. He probably thought I'd lost what was left of my mind and asked me why. I told him that while my hypervigilance apparently isn't necessary this is the only way I've known how to protect myself for over 3 decades. This is all I know. If I take down my armor I'm vulnerable. That's scary. It's not that I want to have all of these symptoms forever but if they're gone how will I protect myself?

I discussed this with my therapist and she asked me if I realized I'm not in a war zone. I told her while things don't look like a war zone I'm not completely sure I'm not in danger. So armor up. I think it's very hard to even think about not doing what you've been doing. Especially when you don't have any idea there's another way or if the other way works.

 

[HëllaBubz]

while things don't look like a war zone I'm not completely sure I'm not in danger. So armor up.

Isn't this one of the core symptoms with PTSD anyway?

It's not that I want to have all of these symptoms forever but if they're gone how will I protect myself?

My T has said in the past that it's not about stripping it away, but rather substitution, old for new, until you have in place healthy and appropriate mechanisms that allow you to function from day to day.

Especially when you don't have any idea there's another way or if the other way works.

I guess that's what a good therapist is all about, showing you the other way, and helping you to trust and accept them.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Agreed, Kas_Can_Fly wrote an amazing post, I "like"it a hundred times.

:eek: ^_^ :shy: Why thank you!

summed up alot of my own fears.

I'm glad that it was helpful. On the side of letting go of your past trauma as opposed to being fearful of the ways that trauma has affected you and the loss of identity when you give up the trauma; yes PTSD is founded on fear of old trauma's but also on a whole myriad of coping mechanisms and survival strategies. These all work to varying degrees and all have varying degrees of practicality. Letting go of these is like taking off any protection, walking out into the battle field and waving a white flag - but waving that flag doesn't mean you have lost nor does it mean complete peace. It just means that the fight on some level stops. The vulnerability and problems might still be there but the battle, at least on some level is over. The journey to peace has only just begun.

Fearing that your trauma has changed you? Yes, it has. If absolutely nothing else, it has given you PTSD. Maybe you think it's kept you alive afterwards because you are on edge and ready for imminent danger when everyone else least expects it. Maybe you now know how to avoid situations that would present a risk to yourself. It's definitely changed your view of the world and of others. Why should it have not changed other people view of you? I bet it has changed your own view of you.

Putting down your trauma won't change what's at the heart of you. You will still be you. You will be less in only one regard - the way your trauma affects and keeps a hold over your life. Everything other aspect of you will finally have room to breathe and grow and flourish. Everything might be changing, shifting and falling away but only to reveal the life that you have been missing. Scary? Hell yes. Beautiful? Yes that too. Life changing? Definitely. It's ok to be afraid, but it's worth embracing whether you're 23 or 60. But at the core of this it has to be your choice and you have to be ready.

 

[Bosco2153]

It was wonderful to wake up to all of the kind words here.
My trauma is who I have always been. I was born 11 years after my father began molesting my oldest sister, and grew up being scared of the hallway outside my bedroom door where he sometimes slept on the floor waiting to invade one of our (5 girls) rooms. There is no me prior to this. I was born his victim. I might have 20 more years to live, but I have had 60 years of PTSD, from which I ran for 50 years until it finally got hold of me and took me down. Is there REALLY a 'real' me under there??? Do you think??? THAT is what scares me....that there's a deceased shell of an infant that's all that would be left of me. Do I want to be that infant trying to scratch up a new me up for maybe 20 years, or is it best to cope with being who I've always been?

 

[rh1989]

This has been an amazing read! I am new to this group, I just found it this afternoon. I am also 23 and suffered a trauma when I was 10. I witnessed my father getting shot in the head while the two men were carjacking our car. My sister was younger and doesnt remember anything. She doesnt suffer from at PTSD. However, I have suffered from it ever since. I have suffered from panic attacks since I was 10. I couldnt go to public places for awhile (being afraid I would be shot) and then after that having panic attacks around 9:00 every night (which was when the trauma happened). My mom walked me through everything for many years. I still suffer from PTSD but didnt really realize how much it controlled my life until now. I always knew I had some trust and communication issues, but now I am starting my first real relationship and its already fading because I cant branch out and be open. I have always pushed other men away in the past after while. I am scared to put myself out there in many different ways and it just feels like I am hitting a brick wall. Help!

Either way it is nice to know I am not alone in this. You all seem like amazing individuals!

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

My T has said in the past that it's not about stripping it away, but rather substitution, old for new

Absolutely. And there could be some vulnerability in initially releasing the old. Maybe not for all. Possibly for some.

showing you the other way, and helping you to trust and accept them.

And getting to a place where you do trust and accept as they guide is again something that could cause feelings of vulnerability. Whatever the speed of change it can still be scary. Even if it's for the best.

 

[Meadowsweet]

This is a good thread, I don't feel I have anything to add.

Although, last time I tried therapy, I really did let myself be led, as someone who felt quite incapable of anything. But as I'm considering therapy again, I feel that I need to be able to say what I want from therapy, in order to feel that I'm in control of my healing.