Relationship The Double Standards And Blurred Lines Of Ptsd

[Pencil]

It is the 'fuss' that gets to me, irrespective of the topic or the validity of her feelings. I just need peace an quiet. And when I'm on a roll, I just need to VENT. It is ALL horribly, horribly selfish. And children don't tolerate injustice, and will risk a LOT to counter it - and so she becomes more vocal when I'm not fair, and don't listen to her. So I'm slowly learning that if I force myself to calm down and address the issue, instead of wanting her to STOP, her issue actually gets dealt with, and with less frustration for us both. Writing this down makes it sound so simple - so why is it so difficult in practice?

 

[intothelight]

I don't think there should ever be a double standard, after all we are all human and there are times that a person just doesn't want to discuss an issue. I think that is a boundary that should be honored by both parties, but I don't ever see "shut up" being an appropriate way to address your partner. What is wrong with.."I am not ready to discuss this now and we can address it later."?

Having PTSD, there are times I know that I am emotionally not equipped to deal with a discussion or quite frankly it may not be an appropriate time or place. But having PTSD doesn't make me completely out of touch with what other people feel, so it is perfectly acceptable for someone to request that a subject be dropped. Communication goes both ways, as does respect and kindness.

Sorry, PTSD isn't a free pass to hurt someone else. The "golden rule" still applies in relationships....regardless of PTSD...treat others as you expect to be treated.

 

[Abstract]

. I think that is a boundary that should be honored by both parties

I think this is the core issue here and really important. Its about being aware of the other person and respecting their space.

 

[p-no]

I just went and did my errands

That, in my experience as (former) supporter of someone with a high degree of double standards (and the corresponding bed linen and a whole lot of other stuff), is probably the best thing to have done, for you. I can't even tell you how often I "just went" and let it go. Maybe it is another matter of finding out for oneself whether this is a battle worth fighting, or not. Which leads to...

double standards, NOT the issue of bed linen or anything else

I think it IS an issue of bed linen (to take this example you gave, but which is, of course, exchangeable by so many other things) AND double standards at the same time. It IS double standards, and at the same time, if it is double standards AND something generally not important (as is bed linens), I guess one should ask whether or not one (you yourself) needs the stress of fighting for this. I think it is difficult to discuss something with someone (non-PTSD but even more so with PTSD (or other disorders with similar/the same symptoms) generally (double standards) with a specific example (bed linens) in mind. It can be difficult for some people to focus on the bigger picture (double standards) when throwing a specific example into the whole discussion.

There are two things that came to mind when reading the thread:

1. My very first therapist said to me once not to worry about "their" (at the time my sufferer's) tantrums and all. It is them that they embarrass, not you. They are adults and if they have a fit or a tantrum in public, they embarrass themselves, not you, as people outside of your relationship realise that you're not responsible for another adult.

2. Could it be denial? Could it be not primarily about double standards or bed linens but rather about wanting to get a result that just isn't there, no matter how much you might long for it to be? In my own experience, once you've gotten rid of denial, "hoping for the best but expecting the worst", you may end up at the question: Do I really want to fight this battle? Is it worth it for me, considering what "the worst" may be?

I just read "The PTSD Relationship" by PhD Diane England and they basically said the same thing. It opened my eyes about many things, from one perspective (supporter) and the other (sufferer) and, most valuable for me personally, both together (entwined).

Have you tried the exercises in the book? I remember one that could be very relevant but just looked and couldn't find it on the Kindle.

Having said this though, and going back to me being the supporter, I think what it was with me was denial. It just sucks BIG TIME when you find that things just never seem to truly change, that you seem to be able to change only the now and yourself/your own actions in the now. I am really sorry if you feel that way.

 

[Eleanor]

PTSD or no, I agree that the ability to say "No More on this Right Now" and have it respected is vital. There are very few issues day to day that need to be dealt with right this second between adults. (Kids are different.) So the ability to disengage, rebalance and come back to it is crucial. Like our T was fond of pointing out: it is not going to get settled when you are upset - so why continue to make it worse? Just leave it for later.

There IS a double standard. There has to be. AND to make matters more confusing it needs to be a sliding scale - and it changes over time too. Because PTSD is a real illness and it does effect the sufferers ability to disengage and control their emotions and responses. But not always in the same way and to the same degree. :banghead::banghead::banghead:

For us, the ability to disengage is precisely what the PTSD wipes out when my H is bad - and so I have to leave, which triggers him more and worse.:( But what is the alternative? Nothing good. Only things that are more destructive to ME. So... Off I go. For me this is really the nastiest kind of catch 22 and I work against the resentment ALL THE TIME. (I have to bite my tongue for you ALL THE TIME, can't you just LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE for once!) But the true answer in our case is "No, he can't." Not yet. But he is working on it.

It used to be that he would be totally reactive if I so much as breathed a syllable of bad temper or frustration or hurt. I was out and out down and frustrated and depressed yesterday, and he held it together and was helpful(!) too. This is the result of... I'd have to look it up in my diary but at a guess ... a year or more of effort for me to show him what I feel, and for him to be willing and getting more able to deal with it.

I wonder if Anthony doesn't have similar trouble with disengagement? And why might the linens make him go all fuzutzy? Old stuff? We've discovered that there doesn't seem to be anything random about these attacks of irrationality in my H. There is always something... last time, it was fleas and cat pee. Go figure. Linens? or just window shopping? Or something else entirely? Or does he just generally have trouble with disengagement?

 

[Abstract]

It is them that they embarrass, not you.

With lots of help in therapy I have managed to see it that way a lot more. To start I would first go into appeasing, or taking on the emotion and becoming distressed or would feel attacked (which I was being essentially).

With lots of therapy I managed to disengage more and not take responsibility for the all the cr*p that was attempting to be dumped on me. Very hard of course.

I have also realised that if I don't let it get to me then the person doesn't have power over me. Not always possible but when it is it is a big help. Of course there are some who become physical at that point as you are not giving them what they want.

I was encouraged to clearly and firmly state that it wasn't acceptable behaviour after and that helped too.

The horrible thing about bad behaviour is that we tend to put down our foot and then things get better but they often then come back up again later in cycles. That can be trying and upsetting. I know find it better to expect the behaviour long term from someone if they are inclined to a certain behaviour and that helps steel me.

 

[Abstract]

and so I have to leave, which triggers him more and worse

Ouch. That sounds extremely hard and a disaster waiting to happen for you both. Sorry it is like that. :(

 

[HelloMo80]

I do but it's embarrassing in a shopping centre... like a child throwing a tantrum and taking off. I just went and did my errands and messaged him when I was at the grocery store as he had to get things too. I paid him no attention when we got home as I was damned if I was going to be pulled down from crap that wasn't mine to own.

I definitely understand what you mean. We have a policy that neither of us can embarrass the other in public. It seems silly that two adults need that rule, but when tempers flare even little voice inflections can seem like calls to draw blood from one another.

Since you posted this yesterday have you had a chance to speak with him regarding this issue? (Forgive me, but I haven't read through the entire thread before I commented so you may have addressed that already.)

 

[nursenurse]

Well, Nicolette, I just sifted through all the responses, and I am going to keep it to the KISS principle because it isn't that complicated or in need of a full psych dissection. He was an arse. Period. You are welcome :D

 

[EddieP]

I agree, he seems to have double standards and very arse-like behavior in this instance. I mean, speaking for guys everywhere; who gives a crap about linens? As long as there is a relatively clean set on the bed. :) However, I have found myself in similar situations with my fiancee and I typically get the same type response every time. What I have learned to do is take a deep breath, let it pass, and try to talk to her when next we are alone. Does it work all the time? Of course not! Does it help a lot? yes! I sometimes feel that she is doing some of these things on purpose just to see if I will push her buttons. Of course I know she can't help it, but I still feel that way at times. It is worse when there is an external stressor involved. She will amp up her triggers and (in my view) create new ones for each new action I take. Again, I know she isn't doing it on purpose, but from my perspective it sets up a NO WIN situation. No matter my choice, it WILL be the wrong one. If I want to talk~ she doesn't. If I leave her alone~ she just needed some company. If I hug her~ she has flashbacks to the abuse. If I stay back and let her cry~ she just needs someone to hold her. As the old saying goes; damned if you do, damned if you don't.