Self-hate

[ms spock]

Can you please write out abbreviations in full. Does SI mean 'Self Injury', or 'Suicidal Ideation'? Please be aware that not everyone will understand abbreviations. Thanks.

Certainly cherryblossum. Sorry about that.

I was talking about SI as in terms of Suicidal Ideation.

 

[ms spock]

I have been awash with self hatred, helplessness and hopelessness this week. It has been really tough.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Today....self-hate...self-injury...hopeless...angry....bitter...hurt...

 

[nimkekaa]

self-injury

Do you have anyone you can talk to? Do you have a plan for when you self injure? It's time to do major self care and get support. Please take care of yourself. Hugs if you want them.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Thanks, (((nimkekaa))) I appreciate your response. My plan...to not leave visible marks and to stop as soon as I can. I have support but some things hurt too bad. Still paying the price of a divorce 30 years ago. Watching my son, with his wife, daughter, father & half-sister having fun in the pictures...without me.

My goal for today. No hitting....

 

[nimkekaa]

Sounds like a good goal. One step at a time.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Succeeded with no hitting...lots of stinkin' thinkin' but kept busy buying groceries, then home to bed! I think THIS round of self-hate has passed. Thanks for the support!

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

YES!!! I am better this morning! The sun is shining, and so am I! Proof that THIS storm has passed!!

 

[sawtooth]

Hate myself too. There's no word for how much I hate myself out there. It's uncontrollable anger and rage at myself. Seethes thru my blood and oozes out the eyes. Never goes away. Sometimes feel a little better, but it hits again fast, never really going anywhere in the first place. I go to nightclubs/bars or somewhere, usually later at night when everyone is boozed up and disorderly. I look for certain things then go tick someone off so they'll beat me up. I don't fight back or want to hurt anyone, that's not the point. Point is to get beat up to feel better. There's only so much I can do and tell myself before getting numb to it. It has to come from somewhere else. Someday someone will have a gun or knife or whatever and use it. Do other stuff during the day to relieve the loathing. It helps me feel better even if only for a short time. Sometimes I don't know what to do as an outlet for it and when I think it cant get any worse it does. I like feeling like this, hating myself so much. Deserve it. Maybe because I don't know anything else, not sure.

Well I'm not sure where I'm going with this, don't express things well. Things don't come out right. Not sure if this is even in the right place. Sorry.

 

[WillyKat]

Aro, it pains me to hear this. Lots of us have been on the self-hate path. I cannot say if it would work for you, but for me, it sometimes helps to know who put me on that path. That can sometimes help me re-direct the anger away from myself and toward the evil one.

I see that you're new here. Have you talked to a professional counsellor or therapist? Go to the Introductions section and post; tell us about yourself and maybe we can help.

 

[ms spock]

The self hatred and anxiety is really hard going.

The suicidal ideation is really bad at times.

I feel alone and isolated.

 

[nimkekaa]

I feel alone and isolated.

That's where I am right now also. Even though I have lots of people around me and that want to help, I feel like nobody gets it and that I don't really connect with anyone.