Self-hate

[Abstract]

it is really tough going

It is miss Spock. I understand you saying your parents set this way of treating or feeling about yourself. It is not ours and we need to give it back.

like the weather

I like that. And even though it doesnt feel possible at the time ever it can get better.

like a cancer of the mind.

Yes MD. Very well described.

self-loathing

Loathe is a better more descriptive term.

Hugs to everyone if they want them and I hope we all feel more self compassion soon.

 

[ms spock]

I am grateful for the insight it will take a good 12 months to stabilize after coming off the medication as I learn to deal with everything that the medication was masking. I have really been considering what I need to do to get on top of all the overwhelming feelings of low self worth, paralysis and feeling bad about myself. I can give back to my parents their stuff that they dumped on me. I can do small things each day to make my life better. In the Happiness Advantage Shawn Archer talks about getting a guy to focus on a small area in his room and keep that clean and I am doing that with my thinking at the moment. Trying to keep one section of my thinking clear each day. It is helping.

As a result of this the self hatred is not so prominent today, in fact right now, it is not here. The feeling so bad about myself has abated. I actually feel like I can get things done today. Instead of feeling like I have to blast my way through the day.

 

[heidi]

I've never really known self-hatred until now. Especially lately I'm having these grand epiphanies about how much I suck.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Heidi))) I hope your 'storm' of '"grand epiphanies" of how you "suck" will pass. Ask yourself if there is real proof? or is this a feeling coming up from deep inside your 'well' of pain?
:hug:

 

[ms spock]

Oh the self hatred and shame is so hard today.

I feel like it is all too hard and like I don't have what it takes to go on.

My default is so low.

I know that this is coming off the meds stuff but it all feels so difficult.

 

[maddog]

My therapist told me yesterday that if I invested half as much energy in focusing on positive things as I do on beating myself up, my quality of life would improve dramatically. When I somewhat petulantly, and with extreme distress, sarcastically commented that yes, of course, I love feeling this way... he challenged me that in some sense, yes, I do, because I don't feel as though I deserve to feel better, do I...

This notion wasn't really new to me, but God, it knocked me down. I'm still down. I want to say he's wrong, but I know he isn't really. Of course I don't want to feel the absolute toxic horror of hating myself the way I do. But do I truly feel as though I deserve to feel better? I "know" I do of course, that's what my logical mind tells me, but do I "feel" as though I do?

I think I have to acknowledge that the answer is no, and that hurts, and frightens me, because if you don't feel you have the right, how can you ever possibly really pull towards it.

I don't know what to do with this.

Maddog

 

[ms spock]

It is hard to know what to do with the fact you focus so much energy on hating yourself Maddog. I struggle with this too.

 

[nimkekaa]

It sound so easy...just spend more time focusing on the positive. It was so easy then I'd do it. It's not like I want to be negative and I'm sure you feel the same way Maddog.

I do think that it's something that can be worked on. I remember hearing that you need to give a child 3 positives for every negative to maintain a healthy self esteem. I wonder if paying more attention to our negative thoughts and then giving ourselves 3 positives for every negative we thing might be worth a try. Even if it's the same 3 every time. I went to a healing lodge and we had to give ourselves affirmations everyday and it really did get easier. I found myself just saying anything in the beginning but then starting to find things about myself that I like.

I wonder if negative self talk is like a bad habit that you don't even realize your doing most of the time. Maybe just being mindful of what we are thinking and then making an effort to counter the negativity would work. Maybe we need a little support group where if you join you have to commit to saying something positive about yourself every day. I find I need someone to keep me accountable for things and then I am more likely to do it. Just a thought.

 

[maddog]

My greatest problem is that I'm good at going through the motions of engaging in positive self talk, identifying positive things about myself etc. I can teach myself to do this routinely, and to know, in my head, the things that I am telling myself.

But somehow I never "feel" them. The process becomes merely a head exercise that simply feels token and inauthentic, because I just don't feel or believe the positives that I identify, and so somehow the exercise has no meaning for me. They say that practice and repetition are the only way to change this, and I can't obviously say for sure if this will some day work or not. But I've been struggling with it for what feels like a long time now, and if anything the self-hate is becoming more ingrained, hard-wired and unconscious than ever, and that frightens me.

Part, though definitely not all, of the problem is that sometimes hating and blaming myself for things feels safer and more doable than attempting to apportion blame and responsibility to others, or to aspects of life and the world that are beyond me. As horrible as it is to hate myself, it's what I know, it's what's familiar, and so there is a tragic kind of security in feeling the wayI have always felt and owning responsibility for everything. I think I'm scared of the emotions that I feel will erupt out of me if I start to dish out that hate to where it might legitimately be deserved - emotions such as grief, and anger, and hate... there is no doubt that such emotions scare me every bit as much as self-hate, and, arguably, even more.

Maddog

 

[Abstract]

more doable than attempting to apportion blame and responsibility to others, or to aspects of life and the world that are beyond me

owning responsibility for everything

I suspect a lot of self hatred is a lot about this for many of us. I know it is for me. And I suspect it is often a means of attempting control in a sense. It is turned inwards as that is what is used to and that is what feels safest in a sense.

Feeling true anger at or hurt about others is something I have avoided like the plague and the thought of letting it out unchecked is frightening to me.

And yes it can be very habitual and therefore in a sense comfortable. Even though the idea that something so awful and damaging could be linked to that word is ridiculous.

I wonder if negative self talk is like a bad habit that you don't even realize your doing most of the time.

I have said that mine has literally been exposed in layers. Like peeling an onion. I have been totally unaware of all of/each of those layers at one time or another.

Hopefully I will be able to do more than this at some point but

just being mindful of what we are thinking and then making an effort

What mostly seems to work best for me is to first just acknowledge and accept. And then after working on that to see if I can do something self caring or see where it came from etc.

 

[cherryblossom]

It was inextricably linked with SI yesterday morning

SI always comes with the self-loathing and anger.

Can you please write out abbreviations in full. Does SI mean 'Self Injury', or 'Suicidal Ideation'? Please be aware that not everyone will understand abbreviations. Thanks.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

'SI' as I understand it is "self injury".

When I am 'pushed into it' by my self-loathing and almost hysteria, it is a way to try and get control over my overwhelming emotional pain and the tears that will NOT stop when I want, or need them to. Sometimes the emotional pain is so deep and 'scattered'; about the past, the present way I am 'failing', and fear of the future, that a hard slap to my face can 'force me out of the tears' sometimes. I am embarrassed to admit that I do that, but it is the truth.

Thankfully, my episodes are few and far between these days, but the emotions of losing my dad, and the flashbacks of being there when they were performing CPR are too vivid. When the doctor told me they had not had an oxygen level for 20 minutes, I told them to stop. Although I know it was the right thing to do, and I am glad I was there for his last moments, it causes more pain than I can hold in. I try, for his sake, not to self-injure, but sometimes I have no control.

My first episodes of that type of self-injury occurred after I held my daughter in my arms as she died 20 years ago this year. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday. I 'go back' to what I think I could have, should have, done differently. The same as I feel about my dad's passing. I know from past experience that these feelings will not get easy by any definition, but easier as time goes by.

In the past, I would do it until my face was beet red. I've never left obvious bruises which I would have had to explain. I have been able to hold it to one or two hits in the most recent episodes. I know it is NOT a 'tool' for self-control, and fight my best to keep it out of my head.

I also dig at my head until holes appear and can last for months. (this is hard to admit) I have been able to 'curb' that by having acrylic nails which are not as sharp as my own nails. It is expensive, but I figure it is better than ending up with permanent patches of hair loss, or getting a staph infection.

My T is aware, and I always admit to him that I've had a repeat episode. I then agree to try and not follow through with the 'desire', and write down the feelings I am having so that we can discuss them at the next visit. It doesn't always work.

I will never give up on the healing I desire for this behavior, and be able to say it is permanently in the past.