Self-hate

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sad for everyone dealing and struggling with this.

I do not hate myself anymore, so there is hope and a future without it.

When I go negative on myself I catch myself and correct the thought. Hugs for you all.

 

[ms spock]

I do struggle with feeling unworthy. I feel not good enough. I feel like nothing that I could do ever could be good enough. I feel angry at myself for being affected by all I have been through which is unreasonable.

 

[ms spock]

Maybe because I know how much Dad would have enjoyed it, and it felt empty without him. I suppose I'm angry with myself for still grieving although it's only been 11 weeks.

Give yourself about three years AngelkeeperJ. Eleven weeks isn't even in the ball park.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I know 11 weeks is barely into the grief process. It tookat least 5 + years plus to process my daughter's death. I have the ridiculous expectation that my brothers should call and ask how I am doing. They call my mother, but not me. I know it is always harder for the person who 'stays' to be the caretaker of the remaining parent.

I know I should call, or at least write to them. After all they never called me before, but asked to talk to me when they did. I should accept that they are grieving as I am and reach out to them. I also feel that it is easier for them because they have lived 'away' for around 20 years each. I was the one who was present at his time of death, the one who, after 20 minutes of no oxygen reading told them to stop treatment. I know that is what he would want. We (both parents) had discussed these things long ago.

I really thought they would be more compassionate, but those were silly expectations, I'm only their sister. It was agreed a couple summers ago, with them and my parents, that I would be the Medical POA, and executor of their wills. My parents aren't and were never wealthy, not even close. My father was a true Pastor, who gave his life to people in church and out of church, so there is not much tangible inheritance. He did leave a legacy of love, obvious at the outpouring of love at his funeral.

Mom, never helped Dad with anything, and when visiting my brother's never lifted a finger to help with anything. Dad chose to honor his marriage vows, and treated her well. That is just one example of a complex emotionally dead family. So, it feels like I'm emotionally alone. But I'll be getting paid and that should make me feel better, right?

I apologize for the ramble...couldn't sleep, so this is what came out. I do appreciate the support here, and any input is welcome.

It has really dampened my ability to enjoy have a grandchild which has been my dream!

I don't believe they have ever understood the depth of my emotional/mental problems. I guess I'm afraid of their response. The younger brother holds a grudge which was obvious when we did talk.

I've always felt like the 'black sheep' of the family. Married 4 times, never successful at making money. "living off my parents". All that baggage makes it feel like I'm IN the baggage sinking in the ocean. I have cared for them since they came back from his last Pastorate, and they both had medical issues. But I never expected anything in return, as they had helped me SO many times with my children, and stupid choices. I knew I could never pay them back, so it was my pleasure

The Veterans Department is going to pay my mother, and she has begun paying me for taking care of her. I've never felt like I 'deserved' anything, especially money and gifts. I believe that guilt is mucking up much of these feelings. I felt guilty about my daughter's death for many years and know that was due to my self-hate issues.

It was my pleasure to care for my parents, (Dad mostly) as he was the only parent that ever showed love and interest in my life. my mom has made a complete turnaround and that is hard to understand. I know that I am keeping her from going into a assisted living facility.

To her credit, she has been as supportive as she knows how to be. If only my brothers were respectful to me.

Thanks for taking time to read my ramble..
AKJ

 

[ms spock]

It is hard to have such deadness and lack of love AngelKeeperJ.

 

[Abstract]

On another particularly self hating spree at present...

 

[ms spock]

The self hatred has risen its ugly head with a vengenance fore me as well Abstract and it is really tough going.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

My 'round' of depression finally lifted...oh how I wish my brain would fix itself. I'm learning to reach out for hugs, and cry when I need to. Seems to 'let out' the poison of self-hate. Someday, my 'managing' tools will improve.

I hope & pray we ALL learn self-hate is sometimes like the weather. Storms, rain, hail, tornadoes, and hurricanes, but then along come sunshine, flowers & peace!

 

[maddog]

I usually avoid "me too" posts, but... me too!

Self hate is a real blockage in my lungs right now. That may sound odd, but sometimes that's how it feels, like a physical mass that constricts my ability to live and something so all-consuming that it's hard to think about anything else. And in its deepest and most malignant form, I swear it really does have mind-altering effects that make it impossible for me to think rationally about anything without its influence. To others I suspect it seems like compulsive obsessive negativity at times, but for me it feels genuinely debilitating, like a cancer of the mind.

It's hard. I wish I knew a cure, or at least something that could ease the symptoms.
Maddog

 

[ms spock]

Self hatred is a curly one for me at the moment. It was inextricably linked with SI yesterday morning but I did get on top of it as the day went on.

 

[WillyKat]

Me three. SI always comes with the self-loathing and anger. Days like today were very hard for me; angry all day w/ no outlet. Awful.

 

[ms spock]

I am finding that off the medication that I am dealing with this more and more. Yesterday was helpful that I came to an understanding that my parents set a baseline of feeling bad about myself and that now I have to begin from scratch and change this. It does seem unfair on some levels but it is good that I can work on it and change it. It will take time.

I can give back the shame and guilt to my parents. It was their job to provide security, safety and nurturing. It was not my job as a small child to meet their needs. I ended up loathing myself because they were angry that their child could not meet their needs.