Relationship Ptsd And Avoidance: Intimacy Issues

[Stacelm]

Hi all,

Any advice that anyone has for me would be tremendously appreciated.

I have been dating this guy for 10 months. He was a Marine, and just ended him contract with them about a month ago. He was in the Marines for 8 years, having been to Iraq for a year and a half in combat. During that time, he had been engaged, they even set a date for the wedding. Once he went to Iraq, however, he made peace with the fact that he may die when out there and that he won't be loved or experience love again, because he was convinced he would die. Luckily for his friends and family, he was one of the few to come home. Once he came back from Iraw about 6 years ago, he experienced some intense PTSD.

As some sufferers of PTSD do, he became an alcoholic for a few months. During that time,he cheated on his fiance and slept around with another woman. He said he was drunk at the time and it was a stupid mistake on his part. Not surprsingly, he cause his fiance so much pain. They went to couples counseling in an attempt to fix their relationship, but it didn't work out (I am still unsure as to whose choice it was ultimately in the end, but I think it was his).

Since that time (its bee about five years), he hasn't had any girlfriends...until he met me. During this time after his fiance, he was sleeping with others, but he remained emotionally detached from them, and saw sex as just something to do, rather than an emotional bond. I've done some research on PTSD and know that its common for sufferers to be avoidant emotionally, etc. For him, sex doesn't mean anything; its just a means of satisfying his natural bodily instincts.

Anyway, 10 months ago, we met, and we had an instant connection. We slept together about a month after we met, and maybe two or three more times after that. When I noticed that we hadn't done it for about a month, I asked him about it. He said that he wanted to focus more on building our relationship together into a friendship, something that would last. He didn't want sex to be a major driving force behind why we were together. This was not a typical guy's view--he wanted to focus on knowing more about each other without having the complications and drama of sex get in the way.

We became inseparable and fell in love with each other. We still don't sleep together, which for me is annoying because....well...come on. But I would rather have that loving relationship and emotional support than sex--granted it would be nice, but it's not necessary all the time. During this time, however, he would watch porn/jack off....regular guy things. While we both wanted sex, he didn't want to have sex with me because it was sex that ruined his relationship with his ex-fiance. He thouht that if he kept sex out of our relationship, we would stay together and there would be no drama. He further didn't want any labels on our relationship because he wanted us to love each other without any drama: ie he wanted to be free to live his life.

This worked out fine for us. This weekend he went on vacation to get away from work and relax by the ocean. Little did I know that while he was done there, he slept with his friend. He says that it didn't mean anything to him, he just had a desire and went with it. But for me, I am so upset because for me, sex means something, and granted its hard for me to understand that this is not the case for him, but at the same time-I dont knowhow to help myself or to help him. He says that he was so sure that by keeping sex out of our relationship, he wouldn't hurt me--but it has, and he sees that. He doesn't know what to do about it because he loves me and wantsto be with me, but he also wants to be free to do whatever he wants. He also mentioned that it is hard for him to have sex with me and he doesn't want to because for him, sex has always ruined every relationship for him. I've told him that it doesnt always need to be that way, and that we would work through whatever happens.

We are still in the talking stagings. He said he wants to think about what we should do because we are in a weird spot where we truly love each other, but hes afraid of sex breaking up our relationship. He has said that he needs me to be there by his side for the rest of his life and that I am the most important person in his life and his best friend. He has also said that he doesnt want to be just friends, but to do all of the normal boyfriend/girlfriend/relationship stuff, excluding the sex. I want to be there for him and I can do all of that for him, fine. Happy to do so even. What I am afraid of his him sleeping wih someone else (even though it doesnt mean anything to him) and me being hurt all over again. He says he just sleeps with them...there is no cuddling, no kissing, etc. If that's the case, what is wrong with just masturbating?

I am trying so hard to understand where hes coming from, but its so difficult. He doesnt go to counseling and I know he should; he just doesnt want to. Any advice on this topic or insights would be incredibly helpful. Even if I am not alone in tihis area would be a bit of a relief.

Thank you!

 

[amethist]

Hi

I have moved this thread into the supporters area, where you will get a better response from other supporters. I have also deleted your other thread as posting duplicate threads just confuses you and others who reply to you.

 

[KyGirl31]

Hi while I am new to PTSD and I have been talking to an ex marine and I'm trying to learn all about it but this is my advice to you woman to woman... If you truly love this man then don't give up on him. I would be extremely hurt by him sleeping with someone else. I would talk to him and explain that it hurts you and to please not do that again if he truly values your relationship. Be honest and strong, that's all you can do. I wanna run away from mine sometimes but he is so much more than this thing that's happened to him. I could probably walk out tomorrow and find a guy to be with and it be easy but anything worth having doesn't come easy sometimes you gotta fight for it! Ask yourself if your willing to fight for him and if the answer is YES, then don't give up on him!

 

[MoeX]

My cousin who was a Marine/suffer told me one time if I was willing to stick with my sufferer (army) then I needed to understand that it was going to be a long hard road. A lot of people cant do it. After we got the diagnosis a year ago I still struggle. Almost every day. Sometimes there is forward progress, sometimes we slide back. I have days where I wake up and dooubt that I can continue to do this. Then I remember why I do it.

I am currently in the same position as you. My sufferer and I are currently seperated. No body on his side knows. He still introduces me as his GF. We still do general GF/BF things. Currently we have no physical relationship. I was okay with this as my sufferer tends to isolate. I figure it is just something happening at this point and time. Now I have discovered that he is texting. A lot. I have my suspicions that he is texting females. This is something that we are going to discuss today. I have learned here on the forum that I need to set boundries about what is acceptable to me in our "relationship". It hurts to know that the person you care about cant express their love to you physically because as you said for you sex means something. Its worse when they show that interest in another person because you tend to start thinking there is something wrong with you.

I was probably rambaling but your partner needs to get some help. Things will not get better until he does and if youre like me you will begain to wonder why you cant make it better for him, you yourself will start to suffer feeling that way. He needs to take that step for the both of you. As for you helping him learn all you can. Take care of YOU and find support anywhere you can get it. Its much needed.

 

[Rumors]

This doesn't, in my opinion, sound like PTSD. This just sounds like poor choices and a behavioral pattern he seems to repeat.

"Just going with it" simply isn't an answer I could respect or accept. Not going to therapy just because doesn't really cut it either. Narcissism can play out in many roles. It sounds as if your marine just wants what feels good when he it suits him. You sound like a lovely person. I think you deserve more.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree with Rumors.

This guy wants his cake and eat it too.

Take the PTSD out of the equation and you have a sleeze-ball. PTSD doesn't make us manipulative. It doesn't make us tell someone "you're the one but I don't want to be with you officially so I can have unattached sex with whomever I want".

He's unwilling to get help. Accept that this is how things are or move on. (If I were you I'd move on....even though you're not sleeping with him now, all that sex with random people puts him at risk for disease...eew.)

 

[nursenurse]

Gadzooks! Why on earth would you ever want to accept your man sleeping with other women, while you do all of the rest??? Where in the PTSD handbook does it say Supporters must become doormats???? You would never accept this kind of behaviour outside of a PTSD relationship, so why accept it within?

PTSD relationships can be fraught with many complications, intimacy issues being one of them. But to accept the philandering, even if he says "It's just sex."? Please! Get a grip of yourself. Whoever said he wants his cake and eat it too is right. This is bad behaviour at its worst. Just say no and walk away. You deserve so much more in the name of love. And he isn't it.

 

[Bilby]

He further didn't want any labels on our relationship because he wanted us to love each other without any drama: ie he wanted to be free to live his life.

What does that mean exactly? Does he refer to you as his girlfriend/partner? I'm assuming from your statement, that he doesn't, but please correct me if I'm wrong. If I'm right, however, I'd strongly disagree with that.

He says that it didn't mean anything to him, he just had a desire and went with it.

What about his 'desires' when he's with you? Instead, he watches porn or masturbates?

but he also wants to be free to do whatever he wants.

That's not how a relationship works.

Quite simply, if the following is what he wants from you:

He has said that he needs me to be there by his side for the rest of his life and that I am the most important person in his life and his best friend.

Then this would never happen:

he slept with his friend. He says that it didn't mean anything to him, he just had a desire and went with it

Your fears are well-founded, if you ask me. I'm not sure how I could trust this man, given that he has a history of this kind of behaviour. It is opening you up to being hurt time and time again. That's not fair to you. I think you also need to ask yourself, that if he was faithful to you, could you live in a relationship with this man without any physical intimacy for the rest of your life?

At the end of the day, I am very sorry that he has PTSD. He needs help for that, and to actively participate in therapy for it if he wants to have some semblance of a life. Having said that, I don't think PTSD can be blamed for him being unfaithful to his fiance, or to you. Perhaps you could look at this from the point of view of a friend - if they told you all of this, what do you think your response would be?

Wishing you all the very best for a happy life.

B x

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I have been with a man for almost 3 years who has ptsd - he's never told me that he loves me, he pushes me away every time we get through a difficult time and should be moving toward, he socially isolates, but he knows cheating is an automatic end. He knows this. The one thing I know for sure is that he won't be unfaithful.

Being in a relationship with someone with PTSD is extremly hard. You can't have many "normal" expectations, in my opinion. But, you have to set limits. I'm sorry, but infidelity is a dealbreaker to me.

I can blame a lot on PTSD, but not that. It's good he told you the truth, I guess, but maybe you need to just be his friend. If he's being self-destructive and sabotaging the rel, you will not be able to help him. I'm sorry, that's my opinion.

You deserve better.

 

[KyGirl31]

Wow 3 years and never told you he loves you? I find that interesting because the guy I talk to says he doesn't think you have to say I love you. He says he's more of a doer than a sayer.

I was kinda glad to see your reply because it gave me a little perspective to realize that he may never be able to tell me he loves me and I like to hear it honestly. I'm a very affectionate person and to really think about the possibility that he could never tell me that is a little scary.

You are a very strong woman let me just tell you.I wanna be with him, I know this.
I came out of a horrible marriage where I was beat over and over and I just shut down for years when I met him and instantly something happened to me. I felt again when I was numb for so long.

I guess this time around I want to be treated well for a change and to realize I love a man who may never be able to be affectionate to me is really overwhelming.

 

[nursenurse]

I guess I have lucked out. I am loved, I am told i am loved. I don't think you need to be showered with I love you's every minute of every day, but why would any of you want a whole lifetime devoid of those three words at all? Yes they can show you in so many ways, but for some of you, you aren't even being shown. They are withdrawing, they are isolating, they are not giving you the time of day, but the big draw is them not fooling around on you???? That's the only criteria???? Trust me when I say, it will wear thin after 25 years, it will wear thin much before. It takes more strength to strike out on your own, than to be in a relationship where you get.... not much, other than the satisfaction of knowing where your love is being (mis)placed.

My guy is going through a rough patch this month, but he is present in the relationship. He's quieter, he's more depressed, due to something that happened in the military around this time almost ten years ago. These are the things you work through together, not three years of no I love yous, ignorance, hurt. "But I love him" is not enough of an answer. If they aren't looking into therapy and recovery, you are enabling. That isn't love, it is folly. KyGirl, you absolutely deserve to be treated well, and a life of no affection is no life at all. Examine your reasons for loving the man. There is inherent good in everyone, I do believe that. But you cannot fix him. If he isn't at least trying to become the person he should be, and that means therapy, self reflection, whatever it takes, then he is not fixable at the moment. Sometimes they need to hit rock bottom before they crawl their way up. And sufferers only can fix themselves.The rest of us need to keep on living life. Amen.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

KyGirl, I agree with being treated well. The man I am with goes out of his way to touch me and hug me and cuddle with me in an attempt to soften when he is distant. He has never berated me or talked down to me or raised a hand to me. I do believe he tries, but the distancing happens.

He has also told me that he thinks that his actions should show me how much he cares. He doesn't think words mean much. His issues stem from his time in the military, but also his horrible childhood. Truly I think love equals pain and betrayal to him. I don't know.

I also went through a bad situation and shut down for years. Some days I miss being numb. I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered. My past situation affected my ability to let anyone in for a long time. And, it might sound simple that I trust him to be faithful, but for me that's huge. Before this man I never thought I'd trust another human being. If we stay ttogether, which is a big if right now, I can't say or pretend he will never push me away again. But I do know he won't lie to me or intentionally hurt me. That's probably one of the reason its so hard for me to give up on this man.

I do not know what my future with him will be. But I wish you the best with or without yours. I wish you happiness.