Relationship How Do I Control My Own Anxiety As To Not Upset Him?

[dragonfly1108]

The man I love suffers from PTSD, and although we are working on it, one of his triggers is if I get upset due to something he said or did in specific. I can be upset about anything else in the world and he is very supportive and nurturing, however, if he is the one upsetting me, his walls go up and its like I cant even tell who Im talking to anymore. I know deep down its because he feels Id be better off with someone else who could love and take care of me better, but I have told him time and time again I love him, and no amount of PTSD nonsense will ever change that.

But my question is, how do I control my own anxieties as to not upset him? When he needs his space, or when hes having a hard day and just needs to be alone, my chest gets so tight and its so hard for me to be away from him, perhaps out of worry, I am not sure. All I know is that when he has his dark days, my days are dark too and Im not sure how to handle them. We do everything together and we are inseparable 90% of the time, so these times when we are apart really tend to make me nervous. I am aware at how unhealthy this sounds, but how can I take a more logical approach to this? How can I be ok on his dark days, so we can continue this healing process? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[rightkindofme]

Err, my main advice is that it isn't a PTSD thing to be unwilling to hear criticism of yourself. That's a more than PTSD thing. He's not perfect. If he can't deal with the fact that he upsets you then how can you give him constructive feedback to make your relationship better for you?

I'm not sure figuring out how to stomp on your emotional reactions to stuff he does is the best approach. There has to be another way.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I know that my sufferer does have trouble when his PTSD issues affect me. If it's other things, we can discuss then and there and it seems like no big deal. If I'm upset over his distancing or that he forgot something he said he would do he tends to take it very hard. Especially if I'm hurt, not just pissed or annoyed. He internalizes it much more.

I do not mean that he refuses to take responsibility for his actions. But part of his issues stem from an abusive childhood before the military. A lot of emotional abuse. He seems to think, I feel, that he doesn't deserve love. Or feels he will always mess it up. So, I understand the reaction you mentioned.

Healthy or not, in my situation, it seems to work better if we not discuss it then and there. He takes it better when we discuss it over the phone or I write it out so he can digest it better. Just a thought.

You cannot be overly emotional with someone with PTSD, in my opinion. I can't help you on how to control your anxiety, other than to say you must have other things in your life as well. Co-dependency is not healthy for either of you. Especially when you add on PTSD. It's so hard not to take distancing personally, in my opinion. He cannot be your only friend, your only resource. You have to be able to function without him.

Wish you all the best!!

 

[Sweetpea76]

I suffer from a general anxiety disorder, and have found that medication helps me a lot. Luckily for me, I had my anxiety pretty much under control (well, as much as it can be) before I met my vet. Sufferers need calm supporters. I know that if my nerves are tweeked, it takes little to no time for me to tweek his nerves as well. Also, if he is stressed, me getting stressed as well makes things ten times worse.

I know that my sufferer does have trouble when his PTSD issues affect me. If it's other things, we can discuss then and there and it seems like no big deal. If I'm upset over his distancing or that he forgot something he said he would do he tends to take it very hard. Especially if I'm hurt, not just pissed or annoyed

Like BewitchedBewildered's partner, my vet gets upset when he knows he has upset me as well. This just adds more stress to the situation, like throwing gasoline on a fire.

When he needs his space, or when hes having a hard day and just needs to be alone, my chest gets so tight and its so hard for me to be away from him, perhaps out of worry, I am not sure. All I know is that when he has his dark days, my days are dark too and Im not sure how to handle them. We do everything together and we are inseparable 90% of the time, so these times when we are apart really tend to make me nervous.

It's hard to let them go off when they need to, especially if you worry about them... but the best thing for them is that space. It helps them reset. My advice is to let him go, and find a way to enjoy some alone time while he is gone. I know you won't be 'happy" while he is gone. None of us supporters are, BUT if the alternative is high stress for both of you, then learning to deal with the separation is the better option. You have to take care of yourself too. Go shopping, read a book, clean your closets, go out to dinner with girlfriends or family... whatever it takes to distract yourself.

Good luck Dragonfly! I have gotten a lot of really good advice here myself :)